My story (trigger warning)
Posted: August 4th, 2015, 9:57 am
I am new to forums so bear with me if I ramble a little. I found my way here through the podcast, as I'm sure most of you did, and I have filled out some of the surveys from time to time, but I thought that it was time for me to be a little more open about my experiences. I was born in England but now live in the US. I am the youngest of 4 brothers, let's call my brothers M (oldest), B (next oldest) and A (youngest). I grew up in an abusive and turbulent atmosphere, being molested by my father, emotionally abused by my mother and constantly on edge with the non-stop arguing and violence around me. The abuse by my father would be in the form of him giving us special "cuddles", where his hand would slowly make it's way to my crotch where he would stroke my penis. He called this our "special game" and told me to never tell my brothers, because they would want to play. He also insisted on bathing us and washing our hair, so he could be alone with us in the bathroom, which didn't stop until high-school. He would also take me and my brother (A) on special fishing trips, which involved detours through the woods where he would make us watch him masturbate.
My mother was (and still is) an alcoholic, drug-addict and emotionally co-dependent. When I was young (probably about 8 or 9) she would get drunk and show me pictures of my Dad with other men and women, telling me he was bi-sexual and that he was sleeping with other people in their bed. She would describe sex with my Dad, about things he would do to her (bondage etc.). As I got older and developed, she would make references to my penis. If I wore slack pants or boxers, she would wag her finger from side-to-side and say "ding, dong" comparing to my penis as a ringer in a bell, swinging from side to side. She would compare my penis to my fathers and tell me that his penis was big (which I already knew, of course) and ask if mine was also. She would cry on my shoulder and tell me how sad she was, and made me feel like I had to take care of her. She would make up stories about lumps in her breasts, saying that she was afraid it was cancer and make me check the lumps. I was pre-teen at the time, and I'm sure I don't need to tell you that I grew up with all kinds of mixed signals and emotions about sexuality. She still to this day calls me crying on the phone about being so far away - as if I need any more guilt
My eldest brother (M) didn't grow up with us. He was raised by my grandparents, who lived on the same street as us. I have never been given a good reason why, other than my mother telling us that she "just couldn't cope at the time". It doesn't explain why she then went on the have 2 other kids (she already had B), and why she made no attempt to get him back. He and B were from my mother's first marriage, but her husband left her when B was 6 months old and she met my dad shortly after that. I believe that my dad was already living with her when M was sent to live with my grandparents, which makes me wonder if something happened. I do remember being told by my mother that M was "a weird kid" and would insist on keeping his underwear on when he took a bath. This leads me to believe that there was abuse there, but M died back in March this year, so I will never get to find out for sure. I has become estranged with him, and didn't get a chance to reconcile before his death. Dealing with his sudden unexpected death (he was only 52 and there is no clear cause of death, but suspected suicide) stirred up a lot of old feelings for me, and led me into counselling, which was the second best thing I ever did (marriage is the first).
My next eldest brother (B) was very volatile, very angry and later on became very violent, especially when drunk. Looking back with adult eyes, I can see now that he was self-medicating to deal with pain he was going through, but at the time I was simply a terrified 7 year old watching his 15 year old brother smash up the house and fight with his parents I don't know if he was ever abused by my father, but there was a bitter anger there that makes me wonder. He grew up to be a wonderful man, and our relationship has gone through a lot of healing over the last 30+ years. I worry about him because he has already had several heart attacks, and I don't know if I could deal with losing another brother so soon.
My youngest brother (A) is the one I am closest to, probably because we were closest in age. I knew at the time that he was also being abused by my father, because I remember hearing things and there was one time that my mother caught my father with him, but I was afraid to say anything to him about it because of what my father might do. About 7 years ago, we finally talked about our shared experiences and he confronted our father, who (of course) denied everything. It is hard being so far away from my brother sometimes (he still lives in the UK) as I wish I could support him more.
As for me, I'm doing okay. I have depression and anxiety, but a combination of meds, therapy and an understanding wife are helping me to cope. I have been dealing with a lot of old pain lately, dragged up by my brother's death, but I am learning to cope with them in productive ways. I am still taking it one day at a time, but so far I am heading in the right direction.
I look forward to contributing to this forum more in the future, hopefully I can help others with similar experiences know that they are not alone.
My mother was (and still is) an alcoholic, drug-addict and emotionally co-dependent. When I was young (probably about 8 or 9) she would get drunk and show me pictures of my Dad with other men and women, telling me he was bi-sexual and that he was sleeping with other people in their bed. She would describe sex with my Dad, about things he would do to her (bondage etc.). As I got older and developed, she would make references to my penis. If I wore slack pants or boxers, she would wag her finger from side-to-side and say "ding, dong" comparing to my penis as a ringer in a bell, swinging from side to side. She would compare my penis to my fathers and tell me that his penis was big (which I already knew, of course) and ask if mine was also. She would cry on my shoulder and tell me how sad she was, and made me feel like I had to take care of her. She would make up stories about lumps in her breasts, saying that she was afraid it was cancer and make me check the lumps. I was pre-teen at the time, and I'm sure I don't need to tell you that I grew up with all kinds of mixed signals and emotions about sexuality. She still to this day calls me crying on the phone about being so far away - as if I need any more guilt
My eldest brother (M) didn't grow up with us. He was raised by my grandparents, who lived on the same street as us. I have never been given a good reason why, other than my mother telling us that she "just couldn't cope at the time". It doesn't explain why she then went on the have 2 other kids (she already had B), and why she made no attempt to get him back. He and B were from my mother's first marriage, but her husband left her when B was 6 months old and she met my dad shortly after that. I believe that my dad was already living with her when M was sent to live with my grandparents, which makes me wonder if something happened. I do remember being told by my mother that M was "a weird kid" and would insist on keeping his underwear on when he took a bath. This leads me to believe that there was abuse there, but M died back in March this year, so I will never get to find out for sure. I has become estranged with him, and didn't get a chance to reconcile before his death. Dealing with his sudden unexpected death (he was only 52 and there is no clear cause of death, but suspected suicide) stirred up a lot of old feelings for me, and led me into counselling, which was the second best thing I ever did (marriage is the first).
My next eldest brother (B) was very volatile, very angry and later on became very violent, especially when drunk. Looking back with adult eyes, I can see now that he was self-medicating to deal with pain he was going through, but at the time I was simply a terrified 7 year old watching his 15 year old brother smash up the house and fight with his parents I don't know if he was ever abused by my father, but there was a bitter anger there that makes me wonder. He grew up to be a wonderful man, and our relationship has gone through a lot of healing over the last 30+ years. I worry about him because he has already had several heart attacks, and I don't know if I could deal with losing another brother so soon.
My youngest brother (A) is the one I am closest to, probably because we were closest in age. I knew at the time that he was also being abused by my father, because I remember hearing things and there was one time that my mother caught my father with him, but I was afraid to say anything to him about it because of what my father might do. About 7 years ago, we finally talked about our shared experiences and he confronted our father, who (of course) denied everything. It is hard being so far away from my brother sometimes (he still lives in the UK) as I wish I could support him more.
As for me, I'm doing okay. I have depression and anxiety, but a combination of meds, therapy and an understanding wife are helping me to cope. I have been dealing with a lot of old pain lately, dragged up by my brother's death, but I am learning to cope with them in productive ways. I am still taking it one day at a time, but so far I am heading in the right direction.
I look forward to contributing to this forum more in the future, hopefully I can help others with similar experiences know that they are not alone.