depressed and confused
Posted: August 8th, 2015, 9:39 am
Hello all! I will state the obvious: I just joined the forum. I've been listening to the podcast for about a month and I'm catching up on old episodes.
My story isn't unique but it's mine. My dad was a drunk and killed himself in 1994. My mother was/is a drunk (she doesn't drink much right now, but that could change anytime) and we've had a difficult relationship as long as I can remember. I have a brother 6 years older than me and he has a genius level IQ with zero ambition. He has shown of paranoia and I know at one time he was prescribed anti-psychotics but I don't know much about his mental health. I've had to limit my involvement in his life, but that is a very long story for another day.
The members of my family took on very specific and stereotypical roles of living with a drunk. My brother was the trouble maker and I was the golden child. Perfect grades, perfect teacher's pet, perfect social child. My brother and I both played our roles with gusto until they stopped working. My perfect grades and behavior didn't stop dad's drinking or taking his life so why bother?
I've spent the last 20 years trying to put the pieces of my life together after my dad's suicide. I didn't fully morn his loss until many years later when my own depression took hold. I tried killing myself several times in college, but no one knew. I overdosed on pills that were available, but it was never enough to do the deed. I was able to blow it off as having the flu so my friends never knew. I've been hospitalized twice when my suicide attempts didn't go unnoticed. I've been in and out of treatment with therapists and psychiatrists for 17 years but haven't had much luck until recently. About 5 years ago I decided to become my own best advocate and demand something better than a doctor telling me that the anti-depressant I was on was the best option even though I still wanted to die. I found a great doctor who worked with me for many months to find the right combo, but after years on that combo it isn't working so great. I've never fully understood my diagnosis. I have major depression with anxiety, but my depression doesn't fall completely under a depression diagnosis and I'm not bi-polar. I wish I had an easy way to explain to people that my depression is a little complicated but I've just given up. I'm on 6 different medications and this week my doctor as determined that we need to switch out one. Clearly there is a problem as I feel completely paralyzed. I'm overwhelmed with life and am getting the bare minimum done. I can get to work most days, but my house is a disaster because I come home from work and lay on couch.
I have hypothyroidism which is a lovely side-effect of lithium. Hypothyroidism in and of itself is not a big deal. It generally just makes me tired but I take a pill and start feeling better. The problem I have now is I'm losing my hair and I believe it is related to my thyroid. My thyroid doctor and general doc have been no help - told me to wait it out. I've done research and know there are things that can be done, but this has been my tipping point and has pushed me over the edge. I've reached my limit of dealing with this crap. Anyone who has done the head med shuffle knows how difficult it is to find the right doc & cocktail and this thyroid thing feels like the same thing all over again. I burst into tears just thinking about it. I met with my psychiatrist yesterday and he has made some changes in doses of current meds as well as adding a new one. Later yesterday I received a call that my insurance needs a few more hoops to be jumped through before they will cover this new drug. I was at work and burst into tears, sobbing that everything is so damn difficult. I sobbed in the bathroom for a good 10 mins trying to decide if life is worth living if it's always going to be this hard, but I sucked it up and went back to work.
So now I'm stuffing my face with food to avoid feeling all that is going on. That is the other fun part of my story - I have a major food addiction. I eat my feelings. When I feel better I eat healthier. When I feel crappy I eat crappy food. I'm trying to address this addiction, but I need to want to live in order to deal with my addiction.
I sort of believe things will get better, but that belief is fading. I'm crossing my fingers that my belief for a better life doesn't go the way of my belief in Santa - down the pooper.
My story isn't unique but it's mine. My dad was a drunk and killed himself in 1994. My mother was/is a drunk (she doesn't drink much right now, but that could change anytime) and we've had a difficult relationship as long as I can remember. I have a brother 6 years older than me and he has a genius level IQ with zero ambition. He has shown of paranoia and I know at one time he was prescribed anti-psychotics but I don't know much about his mental health. I've had to limit my involvement in his life, but that is a very long story for another day.
The members of my family took on very specific and stereotypical roles of living with a drunk. My brother was the trouble maker and I was the golden child. Perfect grades, perfect teacher's pet, perfect social child. My brother and I both played our roles with gusto until they stopped working. My perfect grades and behavior didn't stop dad's drinking or taking his life so why bother?
I've spent the last 20 years trying to put the pieces of my life together after my dad's suicide. I didn't fully morn his loss until many years later when my own depression took hold. I tried killing myself several times in college, but no one knew. I overdosed on pills that were available, but it was never enough to do the deed. I was able to blow it off as having the flu so my friends never knew. I've been hospitalized twice when my suicide attempts didn't go unnoticed. I've been in and out of treatment with therapists and psychiatrists for 17 years but haven't had much luck until recently. About 5 years ago I decided to become my own best advocate and demand something better than a doctor telling me that the anti-depressant I was on was the best option even though I still wanted to die. I found a great doctor who worked with me for many months to find the right combo, but after years on that combo it isn't working so great. I've never fully understood my diagnosis. I have major depression with anxiety, but my depression doesn't fall completely under a depression diagnosis and I'm not bi-polar. I wish I had an easy way to explain to people that my depression is a little complicated but I've just given up. I'm on 6 different medications and this week my doctor as determined that we need to switch out one. Clearly there is a problem as I feel completely paralyzed. I'm overwhelmed with life and am getting the bare minimum done. I can get to work most days, but my house is a disaster because I come home from work and lay on couch.
I have hypothyroidism which is a lovely side-effect of lithium. Hypothyroidism in and of itself is not a big deal. It generally just makes me tired but I take a pill and start feeling better. The problem I have now is I'm losing my hair and I believe it is related to my thyroid. My thyroid doctor and general doc have been no help - told me to wait it out. I've done research and know there are things that can be done, but this has been my tipping point and has pushed me over the edge. I've reached my limit of dealing with this crap. Anyone who has done the head med shuffle knows how difficult it is to find the right doc & cocktail and this thyroid thing feels like the same thing all over again. I burst into tears just thinking about it. I met with my psychiatrist yesterday and he has made some changes in doses of current meds as well as adding a new one. Later yesterday I received a call that my insurance needs a few more hoops to be jumped through before they will cover this new drug. I was at work and burst into tears, sobbing that everything is so damn difficult. I sobbed in the bathroom for a good 10 mins trying to decide if life is worth living if it's always going to be this hard, but I sucked it up and went back to work.
So now I'm stuffing my face with food to avoid feeling all that is going on. That is the other fun part of my story - I have a major food addiction. I eat my feelings. When I feel better I eat healthier. When I feel crappy I eat crappy food. I'm trying to address this addiction, but I need to want to live in order to deal with my addiction.
I sort of believe things will get better, but that belief is fading. I'm crossing my fingers that my belief for a better life doesn't go the way of my belief in Santa - down the pooper.