YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

Hello, all!

As my name might suggest, I am a composer by trade - actually, I run an arts school I started a few years ago that involves music and theater arts, and I teach piano, vocal, and songwriting lessons, as well as write/direct original musicals for my ensembles and direct a choir I started. I'm 35 now.

On the outside looking in, one would probably think I'm 'living the dream' - and objectively, I am; I'm in the field I went to school for, using my talents to help others, getting the opportunity to be creative and run my own ship, and I honestly do LOVE what I do.

But everyday, I'm suffering. And I hate it so, so much.

I've dealt with anxiety issues for most of my life, brought on by an emotionally unstable childhood with an emotionally absent father and a borderline (undiagnosed), narcissistic/controlling and emotionally abusive mother. I've been in and out of therapy and on and off of medication for the past 15+ years, and have finally come to terms after *another* breakdown this past month that my issues are likely going to be with me my whole life. This has changed my thinking from "finding a way to beat this" towards "finding a way to ACCEPT and live WITH this". Easier said than done!

Anyway, one of the best things I have found to help myself is to read about, listen to and connect with other people who have dealt with and are currently dealing with these kinds of things - hence, why I'm here and why I listen to the Mental Illness Happy Hour all the time. Just today, when on a walk to clear my head, I heard Paul read one of my survey responses on the show, and I was so, so moved.

Thanks to Paul for the show, the moderators for keeping up this forum - and for everyone here for being so brave! You all give me hope!

I'm just starting out here myself. I think you're right, a great way to help yourself is to connect with other people. But, I'm shy, so I'm gonna have to cut this short!

Thanks for your response - short is fine, too! Nice to meet you, Geoff!

Finished listening to # 239. Heard Gilmartin read your survey. Particularly liked: "carefully managed struggle between my fears and my values."

Well put!

Thank you, I appreciate that!

I'm really happy to hear that you are one of the lucky ones who loves what they do for a living!

As for the accepting rather than beating anxiety, I wholeheartedly agree. When we try to "beat" it, it becomes an enemy and your adrenaline starts pumping...then after a while, you realize what an utter failure you are because you couldn't beat it yet another time. It's so hard to accept that a part of us are broken. It took me years of resisting my depression/anxiety to finally realize that my brain is not functioning normally. I have a disease and it's not my willpower that's broken. But when I slip up and have an episode, I just feel like an utter crap of a person...

It's so hard to forgive and accept ourselves, but we need to just keep reminding ourselves. And you just reminded me of that very thing. Thank you.

Thank you, Brooke. I think that by sharing and meeting others that have been/are going through it, we all heal. I appreciate you taking the time to write that. If anything that I say or go through can help show anyone else that they can keep going, I am truly, truly honored. Have a great day.