Hi! Looking for solutions

[concernedsis]

Hello. I have suffered from depression and anxiety. Right now, through meds and therapy, I am doing well. However, I also have a sister who - due to finances - I live with. She has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder (she told them THEY were crazy and she didn't have it) as well as OCD. In addition, she is a hoarder. I have dealt with most issues but right now, there's one I don't know how to deal with. She has a very offensive and strong body odor. She recently broke her knee. I noticed that there is a patch of dead, brown skin on it and she says it'll wear off. She says she can't stand to touch or even look at it. She says she hates looking at herself in the shower. There's a spot on her chest that a doctor had to scrape several years ago during a surgical procedure (for something else) and he said it smelled awful and he thought it was a massive cancer growth. Then he realized it was dirt. She says that area feel weird because of a surgery she had and she doesn't let anything touch it. I cannot convince her to seek treatment. How can we help her understand that she needs to bathe with soap? Other people have made comments to me about her odor. I think it's preventing her from getting a job. She won't take meds or see a therapist. She doesn't think she has any problems. What can I do?

[Geoff 02]

concernedsis, I wish I knew what to tell you.

You've already done a lot. You've set a good example by getting help for your depression and anxiety. You've talked to people who have treated her, and you understand her diagnosis of bipolar disorder. And, you have been able to talk with her about this very personal issue. Wow! A lot of people, even when it comes to family members, would not be able to do that.

I'm racking my brain. What if there was a job counselor who'd see her, ostensibly to, say, look at her résumé, but who would then move on talk to her about the impression she'll make in a job interview, how to dress, etc., and then get around to this tougher issue? Would that be something to try?

Stay strong!

[Murphy]

That sounds like a tough one, since she doesn't seem to respond well to authority...The job counselor Geoff mentioned above may be useful, even if she looks like it as a hoop to jump through, rather than something she should just do in general in life.

How does she tend to respond if you give her advice? Have you broached this specific subject with her at all, or are you holding off because it's insensitive? (I couldn't tell, and I'd understand if you haven't yet.) I would just be honest about it, both in terms of offending other people and in terms of health implications. Can you maybe have her come to therapy with you, rather than seeing a therapist on her own? Maybe she'd be willing to go to help you, and then you can speak to her about her issues, as well as how they make you feel.

Good luck with this!

[kb9vgh]

Gosh, I would think a doctor might be able to speak directly if a letter was sent ahead of time and the doctor could bring it up at the exam. Just tell the doctor your concerns in a letter and how much more your sis would respect the suggestion (to clean properly) than coming from a family member. Maybe worth a try?

[rc409]

This is what I so admire about the people here. Us not being of the group where we have problems, but working on them is far more scary than living them.

I had a relative die a few weeks go. She was a bitch to be around. You could not even go in her house because you might have "cooties" (her word)

She had her life scheduled around cleaning her house, up to and including scrubbing all baseboards, with a toothbrush, at 10am Saturday morning. Apparently this was a 45+ year tradition.

It was sad being at her funeral just thinking about what she might have been without this cleaning thing.

[concernedsis]

Thank you! I will try the job counselor. Not sure if there are any in this area - but that's what google is for! I hadn't thought of it.

I did try to get her to go to my therapist. Her initial excuse was "I don't have money/insurance." So a therapist I see when I can go to group therapy said she would see my sister if I came. She could bill it under my insurance as having me there (But I would "go to the restroom" to give them privacy) and that it would help me if my sister got help. She still refused. She threw medication back at the doctor and said he was the "crazy" one, not her. She was forced a long time ago (maybe 20 years) to go to therapy for road rage but she dropped out as soon as the requirement was satified. She didn't take any meds they gave her.

My therapist said I could have her involuntarily committed. But I don't think I can do that. For one thing, she owns the house and I've just started working after a period of unemployment. I don't have savings to go elsewhere and she WOULD kick me out if I did that. For the other, it's just hard to do. I am dealing with my issues (except the mail, but that's a separate story) and I can't do it with her.

Yes, I've spoken to her. Her response is she showers. Well, I hear water running. Her hair is never wet so I don't know how she washes it if it's still dry when she gets out. She uses gloves when she must wash a dish. I do the dishes mostly and maintain the kitchen. She vacuums as I have asthma. I didn't realize at first because we split chores that way.

I appreciate all your suggestions and I will follow up on them. Here's hoping something works! Just FYI, my younger sister was also diagnosed with OCD and we can't pull her out of the shower. What a night/day extreme they are! LOL! I'm just she doesn't live here too!

[rivergirl]

Hi concernedsis,
Just a few ideas:

There's a 12-step group called Clutterer's Anonymous, and if it's like other 12-step groups, some of their meetings are probably open to family and friends of people with clutter/hoarding issues:
http://clutterersanonymous.org/

NAMI has support groups and other resources for family and friends of people with mental illness:
http://www.nami.org/

You might also try calling 211 (nationwide social services referral line) to see if they have any suggestions about a local agency or organization that can provide any assistance in your area. Some counties like the one I live in now have Hoarding Task Forces that provide training to staff in local agencies about how to assist people with hoarding issues.

Please take care of yourself, you're in a tough situation. Sending a big hug and good thoughts to you and your sister.

rivergirl