YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

Hi, I'm Jessie. I'm sad every day but Sunday. Ok, I'm sad on Sundays too; I just like how that sounded.

I have depression and self-harm issues. I see a therapist and have been in therapy since 2008. It has quite literally saved my life. Depression, for me, feels like a chronic pain. I'll be great for a week, and then out of nowhere, it'll flare up and I just wanna die for 2 straight months. I am at the mercy of my own faulty chemistry; as if my brain has no parent, and the fickle-ass kids are in charge. I am in a phase right now where I have very little friends, and I am lonely. I live in a competitive environment, and it just sucks trying to find real friends in this environment. I also do not have a good relationship with any of my family. I dream of creating a family with wonderful friends one day. In therapy, I'm currently working on how to be my own parent, lover, and friend. I think it's actually starting to work. I am married to a giving, kind, emotionally frozen man whom I love very much. And I keep hoping maybe he'll work that emotional shit out one day. Because it's damn hard. I work in a creative field, and the insecurity that comes with that can be rough. I struggle with getting easily overwhelmed and panicking, and when I panic, I whack the shit out my head. I'm also very sensitive, and I can feel deeply about things very quickly and not understand what is logically going on until a lot later. That type of scenario also triggers my urge to hit my head. My therapist is teaching me how to "shake off" negative energy. I hope it works.

Past - I grew up very anxious. When I was 5 until about 8 years old, I became deathly afraid of clouds. Yes, those fluffy things in the sky. I thought every one of them was going to produce a tornado that was going to kill me. That's also a great metaphor for my growing up years.
I developed anorexia in high school. After reaching a ridiculously low weight, losing my period, and developing hypothyroidism, my parents took me to therapy for 2 months. The therapist told them to read a book about anorexia. They wouldn't do it. The therapist then told them to stop coming if they couldn't read the book. My dad then skimmed the book, made a joke about how funny it was that they refused to read the book, took me to a couple more sessions, then just stopped.

Mom and dad made fun of me. A lot. They were bullies. My sister then started bullying me. My parents thought it was funny that she was so "quick-witted" and continued to encourage it. My acne, my weight, my personality - nothing was off-limits. I felt so unsafe.

I have and always have had a poor relationship with my mother. She is critical and shaming of me, while also being completely obsessed with me, to the point where it makes my skin crawl. She is prison to me.
I have a poor relationship with my dad as well. He is a "functioning" alcoholic who has a few more endearing qualities than my mom. He can have moments of genuine love. I believe he is quite depressed. He is also passive and has a terrible view of women. I don't know how he and my mom are still together.
I have a sister whom I speak with on a fairly regular basis. She is married to an alcoholic, and she is very explosive like my mother. She is a very angry person, and I'm not sure why on earth I keep talking to her.

I hope I can meet some fellow strugglers, some others who have felt the darkness at the bottom of the well. Maybe we can help each other climb out.

I think, I call the depressive side of me for the great abyss. It's the whole inside me, I'd hope my parents had filled with safety and hope. I think, I'm trying to somehow fill that hole inside me through therapy. I don't know if it's possible to ever fill it, but at least I'm trying, so I hopefully don't pass my abyss on to the next generation.

Welcome!

It's funny how parents think they're only teasing you when they make fun of you. My dad called me 'gut' for most of my life because I have a stomach that's not flat. Little did he know that calling me that name would stick with me my entire life. I haven't gone to the beach in 10 years because I'm afraid to take my shirt off. I'm a grown man and there are a lot of people who are in worse shape than I am, but I can still hear that voice calling me 'gut'. What's funny is, it was a term of endearment. He was proud to have a son who was big. Anyway, hi. I'm new too.

Sending You a big virtual hug sad,
I was reading your story going i so understand things you were typing. I'm married to an amazing man who i have been with since i was 15 but he family is very emotionally not there. My daughter told her boyfriend dont be offended if dad doesnt talk much he is emotionally retarded i was horrified but it is very true.
My sister is very toxic for me she gets angry alot and im always the one she will attack when she is amgry . i went 3 months not talking to her after my dad died due to her verbally attacking me at the funeral because i organised the songs and didnt ask her.( she wanted nothing to do with organsing the funeral ) told everyone i was a bitch who hadnt even cried since dad died and wanted all the lime light. haha she got to see the emotional me after everyone left.
The day of my dads funeral my grandmother who was my dads mum said oh gee havent you put some weight on lately,havent you been looking after your self.
I so wanted to climb in that coffin with dad and die that day, my best friend heard this and dragged me away before i could respond telling me that my mum needed me.
hope you are doing ok.
ps was that coffee you were drinking in the photo

You are definitely not alone! I can relate to your fear of clouds when you were little, not clouds for me but other things. My mom made fun of me but my dad never did. I don't know about you but my mom's behavior made me a more compassionate person. Excuse the pun, but that was my cloud's silver lining