YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

I'm a married man in my forties. I have 2 step kids. I'm depressed and I look at porn. I enjoy listening to Paul and the podcast. I've been depressed for as long as I can remember. When I was in 6th grade, I was moping around the playground because the girl I liked didn't like me. The librarian, who was friends with my mother, called her and asked her if I was alright, and my mother yelled at me for being depressed over a girl. Sometimes I think all my problems are because of my mother. I'm a grown man, and still blaming my mother for my problems. I've been in therapy for a long time, on anti-depressants for over 10 years. My mother taught me how to feel sorry for myself. How to be ashamed of my body. My father taught me how to drown my depression in alcohol. I asked him to teach me about cars when I was a kid, by he didn't take me seriously. I am just so fed up with never living up to my own expectations. I'm constantly fantasizing of running off by myself to Europe, or Alaska, or Mexico just to get the fuck away from anyone and everyone. I'm constantly fantasizing about visiting prostitutes. I'm constantly fantasizing about being a rock star, or a writer, or just something better than what I think I am.

Anyway, I'm here. It would be great to chit chat about this bullshit I call my life.

Welcome!

It's good that you're getting help. I have similar fantasies about running away, or about being something better. (Not the prostitutes though, not my thing.) I so understand the desire to pretend to be somewhere/someone else.

Welcome, King--

I had a porno problem for a long time and even lost an important relationship because of it.
Sex and Love Annon., a 12-step group helped me end that.

As far as meds for depression go, there is a lot of scientific evidence that on the long term they actually increase your depression. See madinamerica.com.
And witness the current rash of mass killings in the US in relationship to anti-depressants. I suggest you check out theicarusproject.net or elsewhere on how to begin weaning yourself off of those meds.

I am sure you have a lot to offer the world and even a mission.
I'd suggest you look at that and act on it whenever you can.

At least get out in nature for a walk when depression sets in.

There are many self-care alternatives that doctors do not know about that can be more helpful and empowering than meds or even psychotherapy, for that matter.
Finding a good therapist who is empathic and provides tools is a great idea. The problem is finding one that's available.

Best wishes and I hope you get a lot out of this site and forum!

Hi King
I can understand the feeling of wanting to run away, I have suffered ptsd after coming into contact with childhood abuser. I was having panic attacks at 2 am every night then was unable to sleep for the rest of the night.Then 2 weeks later i spent a week with my dad as he died.
After having to organsie his funeral and then my sister verbally attacking me at the funeral. I got in the car and drove ended up 3 hours away. I only stopped when my husband realised i had run and talked me into stopping at a petrol station until he got there.
I got myself into counselling she is using cbt with me and has been helping me and i have gone onto tablets which has settled the panic attacks down. On my bad days i walk or ride my bike or do photography taking photos of animals or churchs.
Don it scares me when people tell people to go off meds, for some people counselling or outdoor activites work well but sometimes people need a combo of everything to survive or simply function. The combo of all three has saved my life after i lost twins while i was 16 weeks pregnant,counselling did not work and i had attempted to kill my self, thank god for my aunt who made me go on meds with counselling which saved my life and made me realise that life was worth living in the end. Sorry dont mean to be judgemental of what you said but if it wasn't for those meds i would not have been here.

Ps King when depression or anxiety gets bad for me i do two things i go and watch the sun rise or i watch my kids sleep. It is something that grounds me.