YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

Hi guys,
I've posted before, but it's been a long time, so I thought I'd go ahead and post here, reintroduce myself and my current problem. I'm 33, and returning to school after a decade or so away. I was diagnosed with depression at 7, and have never had consistent treatment. I had a break down about a year ago, was hospitalized for 2 months for depression, and severe anxiety attacks that made them worried about a heart attack. Super not fun. I have bad insurance, so they don't want to cover much and getting support, especially med support for the last year has been difficult. I've been waiting for an appointment for the last 3 months, but it's coming up here on Nov 2nd. So here's hoping.

I started school for the summer semester and did great, 4.0, up from my previous schooling of a 3.87. I'm going for biology right now, then biochem, and I'd love to get my PhD in clinical and anatomical pathology, so it's all hard classes and general ed. This fall semester however, not only am I out of my Zoloft, and feeling the emotional effects, but I am also dealing with 2 difficult classes, and a teacher that totally hates me. So I'm getting my own negative narrative, as well as no support, and people who seem to want me to fail. I have never had such a negative experience with an instructor in my life. I couldn't get questions answered (class was online), didn't find him helpful, found his class to be a waste of time (wouldn't you? Sitting through 8 weeks only for a storm to prevent you from passing), and his lectures to be boring and outdated. I was polite and kept my opinion to myself until last Friday. Thursday was our final, I tried to do it, but there was a huge freak storm complete with mud slides, and the internet was knocked out. I went to school but found the timer on the test was up, after emailing my professor, he didn't respond until 1 hour before the midnight deadline (7 hours after I had been frantically emailing him), and because I didn't check my email at 11pm, I didn't see it until 11:57, and I am out of luck for passing the class. This alone is frustrating, but adding the entire semester of this guy brushing off questions, it made me furious. He has a real "fend for yourself" attitude, and seems really pretentious for a man teaching a mandatory computer class at a community college. I was polite at first, but the communication quickly deteriorated once he said he would not make an exception because he had already been 'so generous and gracious'. I told him what I thought of his class, and his lectures. I shouldn't have, but I was mad and it was the truth. I have a history of being way too harsh and truthful when angry at getting screwed over. I recognize it, but that doesn't mean I can always stop it while it's happening. He also insulted me multiple times, for the record, but they were completely unfounded and I dismissed them since I could understand how he might be offended at my opinion of his class. He was so offended that I didn't like his class, that he started sending me supposed praise filled messages from other students about how they loved his class. Apparently he doesn't understand what subjective means... I know my opinion bothered him, he can't take criticism, so all the more reason to brush off his insults and name calling. If only more people were understanding of the fluidity of emotion and circumstance.

After talking to my counselor, it was recommended to talk to the department head. After emailing that guy, surprise! He agrees with the jerk professor, and now a natural disaster and a bad teacher have wrecked my GPA. If I want to do anything about it, I have to file a petition to have my grade changed, which has to be approved by the 2 guys who just denied me and the principal, whom I have never met. Yeah, that seems likely. I know I shouldn't have told the guy what a waste of time his class was (not only did I not learn anything, but when a supposed college lesson includes broken links, dead databases, wikipedia and youtube as references, yet the teacher wants to grade like he is at frigging Harvard, I can not take that person seriously, and lose respect for them as an authority on anything) but it was the truth, and if I hadn't been so outraged at this guy's unreasonableness to a natural disaster, and so put off by his entire class and demeanor for so long, I wouldn't have said anything, there would have been no reason to. This is hands down the worst experience with a teacher ever. If I do want to petition, there is probably going to be no way to get around explaining my abnormal brain chemistry, and with the rash of shootings and stigma attached to mental illness, I'm not sure if this is a battle I wish to take on.

Just to add a little more background, there is of course, the history of abuse; including an emotionally distant yet hypercritical mother, a sexually abusive father who was arrested when I was 5, the physically abusive step father and his mean kids (4 kids total, 2 each parent, I was the youngest), the obligatory eating disorder (over weight) and all the negative mental narrative and bullying that entails, and PTSD symptoms. It is really frustrating to know you need help, actively seek it out, and yet get turned down or disregarded. Does it have to happen *so* many times?!

I'm not sure how to advice you and how this will affect you, it might have some unfortunate consequences, but with your background, I find a little light in you standing for yourself against this abusive a..hole even or especially if he's a person of power. I really don't know how you deal with it this situation, but you deserve better, than some lazy, incompetent and vindictive instructor.

Thank you for your reply, Fargin. I often find it easier to stand up for other people rather than myself, but either way it takes so much energy to deal with such a negative situation. I'm just not sure I have that kind of energy in me right now. I half feel I should fight it for myself, and half want to just lay down and sleep for a week. Not being on meds, every day is a struggle to simply get up. Everything seems like a battle already. I'm at the 'mountain looming over my head as soon as I wake up' phase. Certain things/people just set others up for failure, even enjoy it at times. This feels like ones of those times

Dear youCantBeSerious,

Hang in there. Concentrate mainly on the current classes you are taking, retake the old one (hopefully with a different instructor), and petition to get the grade changed to a W, with no impact on GPA.

Good for you for standing up for yourself. Teachers are in a position of power, and the should not abuse it, but some do. I've had bosses that do, and have made my life horrible. I always played along with teachers because I didn't want to hurt my grade by pissing off the instructor. I figured, if I was on the borderline for an A or a B, then if the instructor liked me, and I was a good participate and worker, I might get lucky and get the A. If I gave the teacher a hard time, then I might get a lower mark than I deserved. The politics of school.

This is just one class, so hopefully it won't screw you in the long run even if you can't get it expunged.

If you are low-income, as many students are, then you should be able to be covered by Obamacare for $3 co-payments for doctor visits and medicine. Get into the doctor and take care of yourself. Get good sleep and eats too, and take walks or exercise a little bit. And do something fun once or twice a week. Find stuff that makes you laugh a each day (I like looking at funny pictures on the internet).

Take care,
InMyMind

InMyMind,

Totally understand, I usually do the same. Just let it roll off and keep going, especially in a short class like this one, but this guy just got to me. I can't stand hypocrites and bullies. In this situation I really had nothing to lose because without the points from the final, I failed. First time ever.

I keep getting mixed messages on exactly what I can do. I've heard what you said, that I can do nothing, that I can petition to have the whole semester removed citing my mental health, that I can change it, that I can't change it, that I can change it but need the approval of the instructor... So many different things, everyone with a different twist. This is going to be a beauratic nightmare.

Thank you for your words of encouragement. I do try to do things for myself, but find I'm either too tired or have too much studying to do most of the time. I'm making an exception tomorrow for a Day of the Dead celebration. I hope it goes well. I have insurance, just bad insurance. Living here there are huge waiting lists for drs, but I only have another week and a half to wait. I have higher hopes for next semester, this one just about feels like a lost cause right now tho.