Trying to find my momentum...coming off meds?

[Boogi3]

Hey guys, my name is Lisa.

I am 25 years old and living with anxiety and depression/dysthimia.

I battled with a drug-induced psychosis (derealization) and panic disorder that shook my life to its core about 7 years ago.

I am still not fully recovered. To quote a line from Charlotte Bronte's Jane Eyre that really resonates with me, “[It] gave my nerves a shock, of which I feel the reverberation to this day.”

I am currently on 20mg Cipralex/Lexapro and 150mg Wellbutrin and going to a Canadian certified counsellor approximately every 4 weeks.

I have an appointment with my doctor in a little over a week from today and I plan to tell her I want to come off of my medication or try something new. I am terrified of what may happen. I have been on Cipralex for over 5 years. A year (or so) ago my dosage was upped from 10mg to 20mg and I begun taking 150mg of Wellbutrin. This was done in an attempt to combat my extreme lethargy and amotivation but I have noticed no real results. I am taking a risk to try and better myself because I am sick of life passing me by. I feel like I have lost so many years of my life to this. I sleep too much, eat too much, and have very little energy or desire for anything. (Also, ZERO sex drive, and I used to be a very highly sexual person).

I am currently extremely overweight and very uncomfortable with my body. I used to be in very good shape and quite competitive. This is a huge and very painful source of shame for me.

I have a university degree on hold, about 2/3 complete (BA English Major, Sociology Minor) because I literally could not get my shi* together to do the work, attend the classes, and above all stay awake. I could literally sleep all the time at any given moment. I currently work overnight shifts (12 AM - 8 AM) in a deli 24-32 hours a week. I am really sick of working in a grocery store. I have been there for 6 years.

I am in a loving relationship with a man I adore. We have been together 3 years.

I identify as a lesbian. I came out to friends a couple of years before meeting him. It's confusing and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't struggling. My parents do not know I am gay and it took me A LONG time to come to terms with my sexuality.

There are a million things I could write here. I have family issues, confidence issues, too many issues to count...

I started listening to podcasts when I started working overnights at my job and I'm absolutely hooked. TMIHH is one of my favourites and I'm currently listening in chronological order. (On episode 24 now).

I'm new to the forum and I'm not sure where to go from here. I would love to hear from anyone going through any similar issues (or not!). I look forward to reading through the "Introduce Yourself" posts and getting to know some of you.

As for now, I guess that's it.

Lisa

[Brooke]

Hi Lisa

I am so sorry you are terrified of changing medication. I would be too, it's a scary thing to do. As for the lethargy/amotivation and sleeping too much, I completely relate to you. I used to have no energy whatsoever. My sleeping schedule was all over the place, I would stay up all night and sleep during the day regularly. I had brain fog constantly and was scared about my brain function. I did a lot of research and it seems like sleeping during the night is imperative for energy, so shift workers who work during the night and people who have disrupted sleeping patterns tend to have lethargy and brain fog. I fought that concept for years because I didn't want to take sleeping meds, but once I got on antidepressants and sleeping meds and slept throughout the night, my years of lethargy went away. I'm like a brand new person who has the energy to function.

It might be hard for you to find a daytime job to fit your schedule, so I'm just telling you my personal story since I suffered severe lethargy as well for years. Good luck.

[Boogi3]

Hi Brooke. Thanks for the thoughtful response.

I did a lot of research and it seems like sleeping during the night is imperative for energy, so shift workers who work during the night and people who have disrupted sleeping patterns tend to have lethargy and brain fog.

Maybe one day in the future I will transition back to days, but for right now I am finding night shifts are benefiting me greatly. I will try to explain. I think i'm a rare case. Maybe someone else here can relate.

A typical day for me before my starting overnights usually went something like this:
If it was a workday, I would wake up at the last possible second after an insane amount of 'snoozes' on my alarm, go to work in a frenzy, and struggle through the morning/day. By the time I got home from work I'd usually plop down in bed for a 'nap' (these naps sometimes lasting the entire evening). Later, I would wake up at some weird time in the late evening and eat supper and do whatever. I'd want to have my 'me time' before the next days shift, so I'd stay up late, maybe until 2AM or 3AM and then only get anywhere between 4-6 hours sleep before rising for work the next day, (this sleep deprivation contributing to my exhaustion as the day went on). So yeah, next day, and the next, repeat cycle, repeat cycle, etc.
If it was a day off, more often than not I would sleep in crazy late until various times in the afternoon. I'd spend all my time awake during the evening and early morning hours, sometimes even staying awake until the sun came up.

I could NOT seem to break these habits. No matter what I did I just have never wanted to be awake in the mornings. For as long as I can remember I have wanted to sleep through them and get up much later. *Something probably completely unrelated, but kind of interesting, is that my mom told me that when I was a baby my sleeping, much to her despair, switched completely around. She told me for a long time I was up all night and sleeping all day, which completely fucked with her days, of course, lol.

Anyway, so now, working overnights, my day breaks down a little something like this:
On workdays I work 12AM-8AM. When I get home about 8:30AM, I have the choice of staying up, OR, going to bed. (*I would like to keep this part more consistent but it's hard when I have a boyfriend and friends & family who all work days.) So anyway, generally I'll stay up until on average 11AM, (though sometimes I will go to bed fairly immediately), then I'll sleep until supper time. When I get up, I eat, go about my day, relax, get things done, see my boyfriend, whatever. If I have to work that night I will have a nap before work maybe from 10PM-11-11:30PM. (*I really can't seem to break the napping habit, but I do find my naps since doing overnights are much shorter therefore it feels like I'm optimizing my time during the day more effectively instead of sleeping it away and fucking everything up.)

All in all, I just feel so much more free and relaxed about going to work and organizing my day! I've been getting more done and have been generally just happier and less stressed.

A huge perk about all this is that I'm working in a grocery store that is closed overnight so there are no customers and I can listen to my headphones all night long (that means PODCASTS , and Spotify etc.). So, even though i'm at work, (making a buck more an hour as an overnight premium by the way), and i'm working my ass off doing whatever, I still get to have 'me time' in the form of feeding my brain with knowledge, entertainment, music, etc.!

I've only been doing the overnights since late June, so almost half a year now. No idea if i'll love it forever, but for right now there's no going back!

Also, my day job fucking sucked and caused me quite a bit of stress, so the job change itself I'm sure is also playing a huge roll in my contentedness.

[Boogi3]

Also,

I am so sorry you are terrified of changing medication. I would be too, it's a scary thing to do

Yeah, I don't even know what to do about this side of things. I would rather be med free preferably. Though I'm not ruling out changing to something new.
I just truly believe the Cipralex (Lexapro) isn't letting me live to my full potential. I'm just so tired all the time But with that said, maybe this lethargy is completely unrelated to the meds. Maybe it's mental, or some other physical aspect/habit/illness. Ughhhh it's such a dilemma. I'd rather live sluggish and tired than live in a constant state of anxiety and panic, if that's what I'd be like off the meds. I've been through that and I don't know if I can do it again.
I'm also terrified of falling into a deep depression that I won't be able to pull myself out of. But maybe it's worth the risk? I don't know. I've been flip flopping back and forth on the matter for months.

*If it's helpful info for anyone, i've been on the meds for 5+ years now. I'm not sure if I was tired like this all throughout this time or even before the meds. It's all so fuzzy. Also, I was madly in love with someone and on cloud nine most of the time during the first few years of Cipralex, so I think that honestly used to give me unyielding energy because I would have done anything for her and was constantly excited to be alive, haha.

[Boogi3]

Also x2, to add on to the original "Introducing Myself" post, I figured I'd share (for anyone who has read this far and feels a connection to my story) my responses to Paul's "Struggle in a Sentence" survey that I took a couple of days ago:

If you struggle with any of these, in a FEW words, describe what it feels like.

Depression (specify what kind):

I have dysthima (a persistent mild depression). In a few words, generally just feels like i'm plodding along, fatigued, beaten down, hopeless for the future. I'm often stuck in my head and negativity. Major thought: 'With the state of the world, what's the point?...' I'm like a sponge. I absorb things and they weigh me down.

Anxiety:

*Sorry for length, need to categorize by age. Childhood anxiety: overachiever, perfectionist, worry wort, terrified of disappointing my father. Teenage anxiety: MAJOR battles and denial regarding sexuality and poor body image (on top of prior issues mentioned). 'True monster unleashed anxiety' (late teens): complete breakdown, mild psychosis, panic attacks that never seemed to end, never thought i'd be okay again, thought I was going crazy, persistent distress, generalized anxiety. Today (25 years old): left picking up the debris still, all these years later. Trying to live. Trying to be happy. Generally successful, though have a generally low-ish mood. Appreciate life and feel purpose and love. Almost no more fear.

Alcoholism/Drug Addiction:

Drink occasionally to let loose and to take a break from my head. Would not call myself an alcoholic, but can't imagine never drinking again. It's a refreshing vacation from ALWAYS thinking.

OCD:

When stress levels are high I can't help but line things up. For example, the pepperoni on pizzas I make at work have to be perfectly spaced and flat, matts on floor have to be lined up, things on counter straight and in order, etc. Can usually fight urges to do these things, but it's difficult and causes mild anxiety.

Other Compulsive Behaviors (specify):

I CANNOT run my hands across fabrics. Goes back to when my hands would feel tingly during panic attacks, I think.

PTSD:

Not sure if it counts, but I was sincerely fucked up from the psychotic break and panic disorder I went though in my late teens. Even when I got better I was residually fucked up.

Live With an Abuser (specify):

My father is a narcissist who has never said the words "I'm sorry" in his life. I felt and feel both emotionally and verbally abused by both him and by brother.

Anger Issues:

Can snap quickly. Don't know how to hold things in. Blood boils and I need to hit something or exert myself in some way. Feels unhealthy, my lack of control. It's a joke for me to sit down and try to breathe. I HAVE to let it out.

Give us a snapshot moment from your life that highlights one of your issues/struggles:

One of my first panic attacks: Summer '07 or '08, 17 or 18 years old, working at a movie store. Start to feel like I can't breathe, heart races, full on panic sets in. This isn't the first time this has happened, i'd been feeling mild versions of this for a few weeks prior. This time it crosses a threshold and my willpower to stay calm depletes. I think I'm dying, have to leave the store immediately. I'm hyperventilating and crying as I call my mother for help. She can't leave work so she contacts my brother to come and pick me up and bring me to the hospital. He arrives, irritated and angry because he had just picked up burgers and was about to sit down to eat them. He is extremely pissed off and yells at me all the while to the hospital as I struggle to breathe with my head out the window, crying. When I say "I can't breathe" he tells me obviously I can if I'm talking. He has zero sympathy. The rest is fuzzy but the hospital workers were all harsh and irritated with me and my not being a real emergency. Someone shoves a paper bag at me to breathe into. I sit alone in a room until I tire myself out. The rest is fuzzy, but I leave the hospital being told it's all in my head, it was just a panic attack. I feel like I wasted everyone's time. This was one of many trips to the hospital in the coming weeks. No one was kind to me, only one doctor gave me ONE Ativan to bring home. I remember taking that pill and collapsing almost instantly on my bed and passing out. This was the beginning of a year (more? less? I can't remember) of utter and constant terror. I hate my brother for this. I hate him for a lot of other things too. He was 21 or 22 at the time.