Greetings All. I've been listening to the podcast for a few months now and I wish I had found it sooner. I have but not diagnosed, borderline personality disorder, bipolar, and developmental trauma disorder. I'm not very good at describing myself or even talking about myself because I've been co-dependent for the last 15 years. I am the only child of two parents who divorced when I was 23. My father was emotionally neglectful towards me and my mother covertly relied on me to be the support she didn't receive from her husband. My mother has bipolar and borderline personality disorder. I suspect the reason behind my father abandoning me emotionally is because he resented the relationship between her and I. I would often times hear my mother cry in her bedroom after an argument with him and I would cry myself. I would then go to the store and get a rose and a candy bar to try and cheer her up. This ultimately became a habit and the two of us drifted farther apart from him. I no longer have contact with him and that's how I prefer to keep it. I saw him in a store a couple of years ago. This extreme fear and panic raced through me and I tried everything I could do to avoid him.
Currently I live with my mother because I can't afford to live alone due to several circumstances and I am now beginning to see what my father endured with my mom all those years during their marriage. I find talking to her difficult because she always tries to minimize how I feel by comparing what she went through with what I'm going through. She also tries to steal the importance spotlight with her narcissistic ways and I often keep my thoughts to myself. I have spent so many years putting others first that I find it difficult to see myself and my issues as important. I am not on medication because I cannot afford insurance and I manage my symptoms the best I can.
I look forward to exploring the forum and connecting with others here. I welcome any questions.
The Silent One
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CardinalRose
- Posts: 21
- Joined: November 16th, 2015, 6:38 pm
- Gender: female
- Issues: bpd, binge eating, anxiety, depression, cptsd
- preferred pronoun: she
- Location: Arkansas
The Silent One
~^*^~ Cardinal Rose
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Applecider
- Posts: 35
- Joined: October 22nd, 2015, 1:30 pm
- Gender: Female
- Issues: Depression, Anxiety, Co-dependent, problems maintaining relationships.
- preferred pronoun: She
Re: The Silent One
You are such a sweet person. I definitely can relate on some level - at least with the living with my Mom part and having a close relationship with her. My father passed away 7 years before my Mom did, so for a while it was just us ladies and we had some of the funnest times. It is so hard to have someone minimize your feelings and thoughts, while emphasizing their own in an unhealthy balance - sort of reminds me of my Grandmother.
Welcome, and I reiterate what I first said: You are such a sweet person.
Welcome, and I reiterate what I first said: You are such a sweet person.
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CardinalRose
- Posts: 21
- Joined: November 16th, 2015, 6:38 pm
- Gender: female
- Issues: bpd, binge eating, anxiety, depression, cptsd
- preferred pronoun: she
- Location: Arkansas
Re: The Silent One
Morning Applecider and thank you for the kind words. I am sorry to hear about your dad and mom. Losing any parent let alone two can never be easy. I don't have much family left and I find being close to the family I have left overwhelming and invasive. Does that make sense? I have lived so long without them that finding space in my life now difficult. What do in a positive way when you are in need of comfort?
~^*^~ Cardinal Rose
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Applecider
- Posts: 35
- Joined: October 22nd, 2015, 1:30 pm
- Gender: Female
- Issues: Depression, Anxiety, Co-dependent, problems maintaining relationships.
- preferred pronoun: She
Re: The Silent One
It does make sense. My father's family has never been close. I only see them once a year and as far as I'm concerned, it can stay like that. My maternal grandmother I'm much closer to, but while I love her, I do not like her. We have very different personalities and I can't rely on her comfort.
Positive ways for comfort - I'm still learning that I think. I have a wonderful dog and cat who have been such a support lately. I was seeing a man earlier this year and he was a source of comfort, but he became more distant the more I wanted to grow our relationship. He suffers from his own depressions and demons, and based on listening to the Mini-episode about rejection, I think I am slightly dependent, and he love avoidant and more dependent than me. Right now.. if I am feeling down or like I can't stand my ruminating, I tend to play Team Fortress. It's sort of my go to distraction and it's better than wandering around my house, which I used to do before I reinstalled the game. I also got a fit-bit and was walking my ass (And my dog's ass off) while listening to podcasts..I listen to a lot of podcasts because they make me feel less alone. I'm very isolating - Something I hope to begin to address with my new therapist. I'm tired of being alone. I wish you luck with your own issues.
Positive ways for comfort - I'm still learning that I think. I have a wonderful dog and cat who have been such a support lately. I was seeing a man earlier this year and he was a source of comfort, but he became more distant the more I wanted to grow our relationship. He suffers from his own depressions and demons, and based on listening to the Mini-episode about rejection, I think I am slightly dependent, and he love avoidant and more dependent than me. Right now.. if I am feeling down or like I can't stand my ruminating, I tend to play Team Fortress. It's sort of my go to distraction and it's better than wandering around my house, which I used to do before I reinstalled the game. I also got a fit-bit and was walking my ass (And my dog's ass off) while listening to podcasts..I listen to a lot of podcasts because they make me feel less alone. I'm very isolating - Something I hope to begin to address with my new therapist. I'm tired of being alone. I wish you luck with your own issues.