YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

Last few hours in my head is spinning obsession phrase "i just wanna die". I know that if in the house were some "good" pills - I would have them all gone! I just want to turn off the tedious inner monologue.
I'm tired of myself. I want to use heroin, because it’s turning all off.
I am in a full blowing relapse more than a year, but the last 2 months have become more dangerous. I started using anything and everything I can get my hands on.
I know I need help, but I have no strength for something to do.
I'm drowning and choking in my own self hatred.
i just wanna die
i just wanna die
i just wanna die
I JUST WANNA DIE
I feel bad and I do understand, that I want to feel better, I will need to do something for it to happen. What should I do, if I'm afraid to tell to my friends and loved ones what's happening to me. I am afraid to put my load on them. I do not want to hurt them. But, living as I am now - I'm doing worse?

I think we put us through all these things to numb ourselves and because we learned, that if we were numb, we could survive. I also think, that because numbing ourselves is so effective, we continue to numb ourselves, even if the numbing now begins to interfere with our lives, loved ones and survival. For me rock bottom was the place, where I understood, that my old survival strategies were slowly killing me. But even then my old strategies were so powerful and a big part of my life, I couldn't just change or ask for help.

I would like you to reach out for help, but from my own experience it took time to build the courage or desperation, before I could actually do it. I numbed myself, because it was painful to be around other people, so I was stuck between a rock and a hard place, because I knew, I couldn't save myself on my own. I spend my entire thirties hoping I could simply cease to exist.

I'm in a much better place today,but I can't just tell you to reach out for help, because I still remember, how impossible and dangerous it felt. I couldn't even imagine getting help or getting better, but at some point, the urge to not die, became stronger than to urge to not feel. If reaching out right now feels too overwhelming, just hold on. Whether you like it or not, if you don't want to hurt you loved ones, you must be a good person. You just struggle and hurt too much right now. Hold on til you can ask for help and use these forums to safely practice sharing your pain, because reaching out is a skill, it takes practice and balls of steel.

If you deserve more from life, maybe I deserve it too.
At least that's what I'm preaching to myself.

Take care

Hang in there.

You are already doing good, using your words.

Keep using your words until you find someone who cares and will help.

Next time you want to pick up a substance, instead pick up the phone and call a friend, an intergroup, 211, or the number in the blue banner above.

Report back in 24 hours as to how you're doing. I'll be interested to hear.

Remember: there is hope.

Oh angerKa- I have been there. Not because of a substance, but these thoughts have spun in my head. It's the brain chemistry talking, the addiction. Please be kind to yourself. I would hug and hold you right now if I could and help you through this roller coaster.

we care about you, please check in when you are able. please keep talking.

I just relapsed a couple of days ago. I just threw the bottle of pills in the bin. I don't care how much they are worth my health is more of a priority now. I'm so sick of the hurt it causes me.
Hang in there