Second Hello

[Bioluminescence]

I posted a hello a while back, but felt silly and deleted it. Sooooo here goes round 2.

I'm currently on a quest to solve a mystery. That mystery is me. For years now, I've wondered if something happened to me as a kid that I repressed. I shy away from intimacy of all kinds, but particularly that of men. It feels like my sexual identity has been shattered. I haven't done the deed with anyone and I'm in my late 20's. Way too old for that to be normal. It's not like I never had the opportunity, but any overture feels like a challenge to my autonomy. It's visceral and makes no sense. Sometimes I have strange moments of feeling unconnected from my body. Not my whole body, but my arms. Sometimes I'd look down and my arms wouldn't feel like they belong to me. They feel like someone else's hands, even though I know if I move them, then the respond. The feeling quickly goes away afterwards. Another problem is that I have no idea who I'm attracted to. Men, women, or some fluid non-binary gender? I have no idea. That whole part of life is shut down and I don't know why. That's the most frustrating of all.

I was recently diagnosed with ADHD and realized that many of the symptoms of early trauma and ADHD are similar, which further entangles the whole mess. With treating my ADHD, though, it makes this quest for knowledge a little easier. But I do wonder if I'm creating a pattern where there isn't one. I want to find the truth about myself and I'm afraid I might also be muddying the waters by connecting all these dots. I reached out recently for counseling but that won't bear fruit for another week or so.....so here I am again.

[Fargin]

Hi,

I was diagnosed with ADHD, but later though a more thorough treatment diagnosed as Avoidant Personality Disorder. In hinesight my inattention was probably caused by constant worry, scanning for threats.

While I've had a few partners, in other aspects of life, I've had great difficulty expressing or knowing, what I like. In repressing or cutting off my own emotions to protect myself from other people, I think, I also cut myself off. Through therapy I've been able to reopen myself, very slowly and safely. It took sometime, because I spent a lot of time, shutting myself down. In the past I didn't really chose a partner, I was just with whoever wanted to be with me, if they said we're dating,we were dating, if they said let's move in together, we did.

I often looked myself in the mirror and tried to define myself. I felt, I was looking at a familiar face, but I wasn't sure I was looking at a person. When I was alone, I was unable to see to my own needs and when I was with people, their needs were my only priority. I lost myself around others and disappeared, when I was alone.

I deleted my own first post too.

Good luck with counseling, but not saying you don't have ADHD, I still have some ADHD traits too, but sometimes there's something else, something more. Keep searching and keep trying to solve the mystery of being you. Just remember, if you shut yourself down to protect yourself, it might be "dangerous" or scary to open up again. So don't be hard on yourself, if you get scared or uncomfortable.

Anyways welcome to the club.

[Bioluminescence]

Thank you! It's reassuring to hear similar experiences.

[ovoce]

I'm glad you reintroduced yourself

I get the whole "these aren't my hands" thing too, not really sure what that's about. Or else I'll look in the mirror for what feels like hours and not see a familiar face. It's very surreal. Let me know if you figure it out

I hope your therapy works out!

[FrecklesMcGee]

Hi there,

I can totally relate to the whole sense that your life is a mystery. I feel the same - like there are repressed memories and I am torturing myself trying to remember them. I am obsessively listening to podcasts and self help things to try to trigger memories because I just have a feeling there was some sort of sexual abuse. Paul had an interview with someone (I'm sorry, I can't remember who it was) who said she trusted that her brain was smarter than she was and that it was repressing memories to protect her. It really resonated with me and I think it made me feel like, okay just take a deep breath and trust that these memories will surface if and when you're ready to process them. Until then, I just keep working on the stuff that's in front of me. In my case, there's no shortage of material, haha.

Take good care of yourself in your healing and know you're not alone.

[Bioluminescence]

Good idea. Thank you so much for your reply.