YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

As my header says, I am new to the forum but have been listening to and loving the MIHH since August 2014. I have listened to every episode to date. I found the MIHH the day after learning about Robin Willams' suicide. I had never been sad about a celebrity passing away but when I heard my childhood hero and idol was in such pain that he did what he did I searched for any and all radio shows and interviews with him. I came across the episode where Paul interviews Jimmy Doyle and immediately felt a connection and have been a fan every since. I usually think telling my story will be boring to anyone who reads or hears it but I'd bet that's where Paul would say is a good place to start. Here it goes!

I was born in Santa Cruz, CA in 1988 (I'm 28). My mother was a legal administrator and oversaw many law firms in her career. My father was primarily a jazz drummer but held jobs at a local Ace hardware (where we both eventually worked together for a time) and drove for taxi companies in NY (before meeting my mom) and continued driving in Santa Cruz up until he passed away. I have 2 older half brothers and one younger sister. My sister is undergoing a transition from male to female. She has always felt like a woman trapped in a man's body and is loving going through with her transition and it warms my heart. We are the closest of all our siblings.

I'll skip the early years as they were kind of a blur but jumping ahead to why Robin Williams' suicide hit me particularly hard is it happened one month prior to my parents passing away 4th anniversary. Both my folks' passed away at the same time. They were together for 27 years and there was a lot of addiction, alcoholism between both of them, cheating, lying and lots of deception. At the start of 2010 my mom decided she wanted to divorce my dad. They had been seperated but not legally divorced for a handful of months. In September 2010 my mom underwent oral surgery and was in bed and pain for a couple of weeks and my dad was living at one of his friends places, seeing another woman. They hadn't spoken for quite some time. My mom was taking lots of pain meds and drinking a bunch as she was usually to do when she had free time. My dad was a dawn till dusk drinker, my mom waited till she got home from work.

I was working at training to manage a local cinema theater and was in the middle of making sure my first film movie I put together was done right and my co worker and I were in the auditorium watching Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps and at about 1:30am on September 24th my sister called me and said to come home. There had been an accident. I was able to leave work and drive to my moms place (I was out of the house and on my own for a while at this point, my sister was still there with my mom) I showed up to a half dozen police cars in front of the house. I opened the front door and my sister rushed through the crowd of cops and detectives. "Mom shot dad then herself." That's all she said as she and I held eachother for what seemed like an eternity. I wasn't sure how to process what she said and one of the detectives filled me in on the crime scene. I asked him to. He says at about 11:20 she showed up to where my dad was staying and knew he was seeing another woman. She honks a bunch and yells for him to come outside. He does. She produced a pistol, shot him twice in the chest and once in the head. She then shot herself in the head. He was pronounced dead on the scene, she later on the way to the hospital.

I drove my sister to where our older brother was staying, with his girlfriend, and filled them in on what we had just learned. We all went back to my moms place, my sister had a crew of her friends come over and my brother started calling family members. I sat at the table, blank, and absorbing all of our companies emotions but showing none of my own. I didn't have a clue. We all stayed up through the next day and probably the day after that. As family members came to town and services were held, the entire community of Santa Cruz was in shock. They both played huge parts in political campaigns and had been prominent figures in Santa Cruz for many years.

The anniversary of their passing is September 23rd. Every year seems to be about the same, mentally, at least for me. A lot has happened since. I ended up moving with my oldest brother and sister to Portland, OR, where I met my future ex-wife. We were together for 5 years, married for 3 of those and we have one amazing almost 3 year old son. I haven't seen him in almost a year. On their last anniversary (5th) I began drinking more than usual. Being a new dad with a job that paid very poorly and my wife going to nursing school, psych nursing I might add. She is an amazing woman who I really fucked things up with. I was on lots of heavy meds (since have quit and am feeling better) but along with the drinking, led me to a dark place. I lied, stole and wasn't myself. In December 2015 I had my first suicide attempt. I put my belt in the bathroom door jamb and wrapped it around my neck. No one was home or supposed to be home that night, so perfect timing, right? I hung for about 15 seconds before my belt broke and I fell to the ground. At that time, my wife and son came home early adn took me to the hospital where I had to talk to a specialist, but was released after a couple hours.

A month later, my wife had been taking my son to a home where there was plenty of alcohol and guns around. I was not comfortable with this but my wife insisted that they stay there. So attempt number 2 was me taking half a bottle of benadryl, 9 beers and some oven cleaner. I went to lay down and at that moment, they walk into the apartment. Into an ambulance and to the hospital I went again. I was there under suicide watch for a day. Afterwards my doctor had me admitted to the OHSU psych ward, where I spent the next week. It should have been a life changing time. I saw otherwise. Two weeks after my release I had been let go from my job and my wife and son were almost never home. I took what little cash IO had, bought a pistol and some ammo and headed back to my apartment. No one home, just me, my thoughts and a new gun. Brand new, never been shot. I have shot guns before and was aware of how to load and all that. I put one bullet in the clip. That's all I needed, so I thought. I loaded the pistol, put it in my mouth and pulled the trigger. It jammed. I had never been more upset in my life. I told my wife and started walking to sell the thing back. When I got back to the apartment I saw an ambulance, a sheriff and a couple social workers i had worked with before. I didn't let them see me and instead walked away until late in the evening when I knew they wouldn't be there any longer.

As I got home I must have not seen them but I got a knock at the door. Either I opened it or they'd let themselves in. I, the charmer I am, talked them out of taking me anywhere and they left me with a phone. An old friend of mine called me saying he was coming to bring me to San Francisco, since Oregon wasn't a good place for me. The next day we headed down and I've been living out of my 20 year old Toyota since. I got a job managing a well respected BBQ restaurant and love the crew I work with. I'm feeling much better now that I'm off the meds I was on, have taken some time away from drinking though I have had the occasional beer here and there with events we do, but have not had any hard alcohol nor been anywhere near intoxicated since I got here earlier this year. As a culinary student and lover of all things food I find it's not as easy to give up drinking all together. I've been through addiction with harder drugs and have many years clean from those. I'm learning to manage I suppose.

There's a bunch of stuff in between but this is the basis of my story. I love this podcast and the surveys are what I look forward to every Friday. I'm not sure why it's taken me this long to start posting in the forum but better late than not at all! Thank you to anyone who made it though reading this and to any and all who keep this forum going. It's been so nice knowing I'm not alone. I love support groups and need to find one as soon as I get back to Oregon, and feel like this might be a great new home away from home away from home.

Wow, that's a hell of an intro, friend! You've had more than your share of major trauma to try to work through. Sounds like you are on a better path. You didn't say why you are going back to Oregon (or maybe I missed it). Anyway, I hope you find a great support group there, or a good therapist, or both. Keep sharing your journey.

Thanks AC!

I'm heading back to Oregon to be closer to my son. It's been almost a year since I last saw him and it's been both the shittiest and most needed year for my road to becoming the father he needs. I'm in a funk because I have to start over, again, but with a better state of mind and goals I want to reach, rather than goals I thought others wanted to see me achieve. I didn't understand who I wanted to be since my parents were both so shitty at raising us, and I still don't know who I fully want to be aside from my little man's father. I don't want him to have some shit head raise him the way my father raised me. Which is how I'm telling myself this year came to me. Perhaps my dad shifting me in the direction he maybe wanted to go but wasn't able to. One of my favorite quotes comes from Jim Rohn who said "If you want it you'll find a way. If you don't you'll find an excuse." I'm tired of making excuses and now I have someone who puts that all into perspective for me.

First up, your name is pure genius. You have a fine mind, and a delightful sense of humor.

Seeing your name, I am of course compelled to listen to him, and we all know what that means: I'll start with Cal Tjader, then listen to some Dave Brubeck, then I'll be a little bit happier. I mean, did I really live until I heard him and Stan Getz play "I've Grown Accustomed to Her Face"? (Answer: no, I hadn't.)

Some thoughts, as I read.

Much like you, good sir, I was so saddened by Robin Williams' death. He was so kind, generous, and vulnerable in The Fisher King. The Birdcage, besides being hilarious (especially when Gene Hackman flirts with Nathan Lane) expanded my horizons (in those benighted days of the mid-90s) about LGBT folks.

There was something so devastating about his death. Lots of celebrities have died but goodness, there was something about his death. Words can hardly express.

I wish your sister well as she transitions.

While there is no good time hear such news, I can hardly imagine any worse time than at 1:30 am after a Wall Street movie.

I am very sorry for the loss of your parents. That was just plain awful.

I am glad you survived your suicide attempt.

I am also very glad the gun jammed. Thank goodness.

I am glad to hear work is going well, and that you have cut way back on the alcohol. (I am straight-edge for years now, so if you are ever tempted to pick up a bottle instead pick up a computer mouse and pm me.)

I think you're going to make it. I think you have a lot going for you.

Thanks so much for posting. It was very interesting. Sometimes heartbreaking, but I am glad you got it all out.

At the risk of sounding trite, I think you should write a book. You are an excellent writer and have a great story to tell. People need to hear what you have to say.

Thanks Oak!

It's exciting when people know where my name comes from! I can count on both hands how many people (outside of family & friends) who know where it comes from.

Side note, I now have all ten fingers filled with those folks! I've always had to find a way to explain how to say it since the T throws people off. I'm personally not much of a star wars fan but the name fits so well, both as a reference to pronunciation and to the fact that I feel like Darth Vader is probably my spirit animal.

I also love meeting people who either play, appreciate or genuinely love jazz. It's all over the place, like my and many others' emotions! And what a better way to feel like I'm listening to something that matches where my head is at. Standard time songs are great, but when I feel standard, which isn't as often as it used to be.

Thank you for your kind words as well. It feels so nice being here and sharing my story with the people I hear from every week, and new folks too! I wish I had joined a long time ago but am glad I finally got the courage to start. I love support groups and the feels that come from them. This feels like it will be a really great place to come for safety and support.

I'd like to write either a book or a musical (as much as I despise most musicals) about my story. My folks' part is pretty Romeo and Juliette in itself. I'd also like to think that the opening of Bohemian Rhapsody was written by me through Freddy Mercury. It made so much more sense after my parents passed.

Mama, just killed a man,
Put a gun against his head,
Pulled my trigger, now he's dead.
Mama, life had just begun,
But now I've gone and thrown it all away.

Mama, ooh,
Didn't mean to make you cry,
If I'm not back again this time tomorrow,
Carry on, carry on as if nothing really matters.

Too late, my time has come,
Sends shivers down my spine,
Body's aching all the time.
Goodbye, everybody, I've got to go,
Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth.

Mama, ooh (any way the wind blows),
I don't wanna die,
I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all.

Hey! I think I found my new signature!

Welcome to the forum! That's an intense story and I'm so glad you're here now.

That story makes my jaw drop and breaks my heart. There was so much dense, heavy emotional trauma that you've encountered and lived through it's an inspirational testament to the extremes our minds can take us. I hope you and your son are able to reconnect and build a healthy relationship, you seem like you have a lot of passions to share with him (cooking and jazz) and I hope you're able to open up to him when the time is right about what you've been through, invite him to share things that he's experinced and give him that safe place you never had growing up. I'm so glad that after I read through all of struggles and battles that you're able to reverse course and head upwards into giving yourself a meaningful and happy life.

Thanks everyone!

I'm really glad to have a place where I can share my stories and not feel isolated and alone. Six days into this new year and I've had 3 good hours, spent wth my son after 253 days away from him. His mom kept telling me I would be a stranger to him that whole time. As soon as he saw me, he ran to my arms, sang twinkle twinkle little star and his abc's. It was the greatest day of my life next to the day he was born.

The divorce papers being signed has made his mom and my relationship almost better than it was at the end, granted I was incredibly unwell at the end. And my punishment of coming to SF has been a huge wake up call. Also, San Francisco is not as amazing as some make it out to be. The bridge is cool but it's a filthy, shit stained city that has, or had potential to come back but it's become too soft (cue any castro jokes here).

I will say that I was incredibly lucky to land a job at one of the more iconic restuarants, Memphis Minnie's BBQ, which has been named the best barbecue joint in california many times overy it's 16 year standing, and I've made some great connections here but unless you make seven figures a year, it's not worth living here. After 8 months living out of a 20 year old car I finally got a room in an apartment for 1400 per month. Great roommates, the guy is a cop and his lady teaches yoga part time (pretty sf right there) but they're from Boston and don't have their hearts here. I'm mentioning that because my heart, being from the area originally, is not here. It's with my son up in portland. Another city that's pretty dirty and disorganized but it's where his mom and I met and where he was born.

As I almost turn 29, on January 11, I've learned that life isn't always as shitty as our heads make it out to be. I've had to succumb to living through the elements in a car, trying to keep up on child support and bills, been called everything from a klan member (being a white kid managing a 'black establishment') to a piece of shit, a faggot (in sf too of all places) and it bring me back to the playground saying, sticks and stones etc.

We have to become familiar with our obsessions. We all have something, one thing or more, that we obsess over and this country is full of nay sayers and haters. I say take their words and use them to fuel our desires, our passions and obsessions. For me, I'm obsessed with being my son's only father and raising him to not make the same mistakes I've made. If I listened to the haters and assholes throughout even this year alone, I'd have slit my wrists in the back of my car away from it all but instead I've learned that managing bi polar, manic depression and addiction with my obsession of raising my boy has only made me stronger and more aware of what's important, that life isn't short, it's the longest thing we do and we have to make it what we want to see. Every opportunity is there because someone else has already been there. The 1% wanted to be there so they made it happen. Having a shitty background or past doesn't mean it's not possible. Break down impossible to I'm possible. We all have the potential and having support from folks like all of you help keep that dream more of all reality.

Wishing all of you MIHH fans a great new year and remember that you can either be obsessed or average. Both options are there for you to choose. Choose wisely!