YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

i have seen some doctors and the sad part of being on ghetto health care(the kind you get when you are poor..but i am grateful i have it,some states dont have shit)
is that my doctors are always changing,they are interns,or sometimes they are just bad doctors..ive had very bad luck with my doctors...nobody seems to know whats wrong with me...how do i find out what my diagnosis is so i can treat it with specific meds? i feel like my doctors are just taking shots in the dark giving me random medication..and in 3 years..nothing has worked...i feel super depressed,i feel a hopelessness that is downright scary..i get full of rage sometimes that for 30 years now all i have felt is depression,anxiety and pain...no relief..if i get relief its only for a few moments...literally...after 30 years of pain i feel like im going to blow up into a million pieces...the pressure building and building.i cant pass tests in school,so i cant get an education and get a job i enjoy..i feel trapped in my mental illness..i dont get to do things normal people do.im so fucking tired of hurting all the time.im too chickenshit to kill myself so that means i will suffer a looooooooooooooooooooooong time before i die.
i just want to find meds that help me feel even a little better.
i used to be a prostitute so i guess i am all fucked up from that,too...ptsd,trauma,bla fucking bla.
12 step meetings just make me angry and depressed.i fucking hate the 12 step shit..i do it anyway because i am afraid if i stop i may never get a chance at happiness...but after 10 years of programs it just feels like a lie.im sober i dont use anything,
my therapist fired me because he said his supervisor told him i was too fucked up to help,and he abandoned me.
they gave me referrel numbers to high dollar therapy i cant afford.
i really really liked my therapist...i guess the prostitution shit was out of his league.
can they really deny you help like that?
he was really helping me and i loved him.
when he told me his superviser told him he wasnt qualified to help me he had to let me go
but he WAS helping me!! WTF???
now i have no therapist to talk to.
my sponsor tells me the program will fix everything
and i feel like i am sinking deeper and deeper into hell.
i dont like being a crazy person.
it is really really horrible,
the voices in my head tell me i will suffer forever and to get used to it.
How the fuck am i supposed to help myself if i dont know what to do?
i take all the suggestions my sponsor gives me..i pray i meditate i do yoga
i go to meetings...but something is terribly wrong.
i feel like i am going slowly insane.
in a really fucking bad evil horror filled way.

You are doing everything right, and the world is letting you down. At least you can continue to do right by your addictions. I don't know what to tell you except that I read all you posted, and I honor your pain. All the best to you, because you deserve it.

You are reachable

What you are going through is an entirely reasonable response to everything that has brought you to this point in your life.

The only advice I can offer is pretty awful but here goes.

Let the crazy in.

If my own experience is any measure, this is a solution.

Whatever it is made up of, let the fear of going crazy play out. That way leads to pain but then, self-regulation, tolerance of ‘normal’ people and actual coping.

Avoidance breeds anxiety; eventually, annihilation anxiety.

But, letting adversity flourish, stepping out of your depth; brings adaptation. Trust your mind’s capacity to do so.

Sorry I couldn’t offer anything more practical. I’m also sorry your therapist left you hanging. You don’t have to give up. And you don’t have to pretend.