YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

Hello all, I have been a long time listener of the show, it got me through a lot of bad and good times [yes, both, somehow ]. These days, when I wake up I tend to wake up and listen to a podcast, I listen to Paul's among my very few picks [because other days I just wake up to music and also because I got a shit attention span ].

At any rate, I was raised by a narcissistic family [parents, brother, grandmother, great grandparents, etc], I went no contact a bunch of years ago. Coming to terms with the fact that I had never really been loved or even wanted was a battle I don't wish on anyone [well...maybe, nah, just kidding ], and what came next was a cascading shitstorm of realizations. Among the aforementioned was the fact that I had been abused by my own family, there had been some emotional incest, childhood sexual abuse, and physical violence was a given [I was raised in a culture that thought it was normal to beat/hit children].
As many survivors of narc parents, I developed an eating disorder, low self-esteem, and became obsessed with perfection, specially in school. I tried to be type A all throughout my school career, if we can call it that, but as I would find out later, I was actually a gifted child [when they told me I called bullshit, but hey, turned out to be true] and barely got by as a high B student, never quite making it into the As as I was bored a lot of the time.

Consequently, I thought, for most of my life, that I was stupid.
My narc parents, specially my mother, reinforced this of course. Specially when it came to math, I got hit over the head repeatedly for that, but anyway, this is when I fast forward to now in a series of keywords because honestly there is just way too much shit to shuffle through and I don't want to make any of you read a novel:

After: physical violence by sibling, dropping out of college, finding a partner, having major surgery, seeing horribly bloody things I shouldn't have had to see, being traumatized even more, leaving my home state w/partner, going no contact with narc fam, many many therapists, more doctors, more therapists, recovering from eating disorder, coming out to myself finally as queer, I find myself here, in treatment for depression/PTSD.

I have had a long journey, as I know a lot of us out there have; it is still hard to feel like I have no family, because I don't, not that really love me unconditionally [and I know what that is now! ], and I don't feel like anyone really understands.

After talking myself out of posting this many times throughout the years of listening to the podcast...I have finally just let it rip. So, here we go, fuck shame.

Hello Admiral,
Fuck shame. I'm sorry to hear about all that you've had to go through. I suffer from depression as well. My childhood wasn't as bad as yours, but we all have our own shit to deal with. I have no contact with my father. I only see the rest of my family a few times a year and when I see them I feel like an outsider. Years ago, I tried to keep in touch with them and wanted to be part of the family, but at a certain point I realized I was the only one trying. So I just let it slide into what it is today. If they want to see me they can call me or email and I'll come, but I'm not going to put my energy into having a relationship that's only in my imagination.
I can kind of relate to the thing where you were a gifted student but nobody told you. I was above average intelligence, but I was never encouraged in anyway. If I brought home a good or bad report card nobody cared. They just wanted me to stay out of the way and not cause them any trouble. My father didn't care if I went to college or flipped hamburgers as long as I got out of his house.
I feel like this post has been to much about me. Just wanted to say welcome and you are not alone.

Hey BrownBlob, thanks for the welcome.

No worries about making it about yourself! I find comfort in knowing others understand where I am coming from, fuck shame! ^-^

Yeah, I totally get about just family not trying, I tried for so long, most of life honestly and I don't regret it, but it's over now you know? I could only try so hard, I gave it everything I had and that was the only way I could honestly say: hey, I tried in a lot of ways, but none of you were even a tiny bit interested in repairing or even creating a non-existent relationship with me, so, I am out of here, I don't wish you anything bad, but now I take care of me.

They didn't like that of course, I had turned into the family therapist, the family caregiver, the family problem solver, I mean I was dedicated to them 150%, just to hear that they loved me, and it wasn't even real love. It was conditional love, which is nothing like what I have now with my friends/loved ones; when I got a taste of what real unconditional love was...man, that completely changed who I was trying to be and how I saw the world.

But as much as that hurt, freedom was so much sweeter for me. Now I am just trying to navigate what my values are.

It's hard, every day I have to fight against the depression, but, I am taking meds and going to therapy and all, so I am fighting the good fight, sometimes I just need a place that gets it. I have tried support groups but they don't work for me, so here I am.