YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

hey pals

i'm a long time podcast lover, but for some reason it hadn't occurred to me until recently that I should listen to stuff about mental illness. It's something that effects me and that I am extremely interested in learning more about, just like my other podcasts that talk about true crime or history. So it took me a while but I finally found this wonderful podcast while looking for any podcasts with Maria Bamford on them (her episode is amazing, she is amazing, i love her). I don't really know how to do an intro here but I'll try my best

I'm 23, femme (she/her and they/them pronouns), white, and I'm bisexual (out to all my friends but not my family). I've dealt with general anxiety and panic attacks since middle school and depression and self injury since high school (I've been on klonopin and lexapro for about 3 years now). I've also had issues with eating disorders and am in recovery now and trying my best! I've tried therapy on three seperate occasions and I've never been able to connect with a therapist, I have some serious issues with opening up, trusting and articulating my emotions, especially to a stranger. BUT I'm trying again! It's been two years and I finally decided I'd make an appointment, which is this saturday, and i'm NERVOUS. I've been recovering from a suicide attempt / breakdown that occurred a few months back that i've been dealing with mainly on my own and have only opened up to a few very wonderful and understanding friends about. I really keep everything inside until I explode and since this (suicide attempt) has happened before, I figure I should really try to break the cycle again because I really never want to feel the way I feel when it gets that far again, it's truly unbearable as many of you may know. I also think there is something else going on with me other than depression and anxiety. I a lot of dramatic mood changes and experience these attacks that I call panic attacks, but symptomatically line up more with an intense mixed state of agitations, depression, mania, etc.

Anyway that's what has been going on with me lately, trying to take care of myself and getting nervous about trusting a therapist again.

ah! that was a lot, I didn't know what I was going to type until I started. I hope this wasn't too much for a first intro. Everyone here seems so understanding and welcoming.

Hello dogsdogsdogs,
Your intro isn't too much, and you're not too much. As far as I'm concerned, you're perfect for this forum just the way you are and I'm glad you're here! Making an appointment for therapy can feel overwhelming, so congratulations on taking that first step again. Please let us know how it goes, and welcome!

rivergirl

Welcome to the forum. The Maria Banford episode was the first one I listened too. I stumbled across it on youtube a couple of years back. I hope the therapist works out for you. You deserve a better life.

Welcome, dogsdogsdogs. I'm glad you found the podcast and the forum. Both have been a great comfort to me.

Maria really is amazing. I remember her from way way back when comedians in front of brick walls were on TV all the time and before the internet, but I digress.

It is okay to be nervous or even terrified of going to therapy and opening up. It isn't easy. It's fucking hard. I'm often so tired after a session that I just want to lay down. There seems to be a perception therapy is supposed to make you "feel better" but, at least for me, it's work. Important work. Opening up is something that takes significant practice. I don't know about you, but between my family and my own mental health, I didn't have a lot of practice with relating to people normally when I was growing up. I joked with my therapist yesterday that one of the reasons I'm still seeing her when I'm past the crisis point is she's a "practice person" for me. This is 100% true.

thanks everyone! you guys are so kind and lovely, thanks for the replies. I will definitely come back and recap how therapy goes this weekend (fingers crossed). It's going to be work and I can't expect to immediately have this wonderful open and trusting relationship with a therapist, but I just SO wish it worked like that lol. bigeekgirl I love your description of what therapy is like after working through a crisis, I always saw it as mental health maintenance, not exactly improving life, but just to keep it from getting real fucking shitty again lol.

OH and I think I forgot a few things!

I went to art school, lived on my own for 5 years in a big city and loved it, but now I'm back home, unemployed and looking for a job that will allow me to move out again. It's fucking hard! It's been 6 months of living with my family and I'm still applying for jobs, I knew choosing a career in the arts would be hard, so I can't really complain too much about it. Anyway the worst part is living with my family and dealing with their shit. So any solidarity with anyone else who is or has had to move back in with their family after a long period of independence would be great!

also my username is dogsdogsdogs for obvious reasons, I fucking love dogs, they are the best creatures on this planet and literally a reason for living. Mine is snoring right next to me right now and warming my heart. He's a wonderful shoulder to cry on without judgement. that's my dog rant

thanks again for listening <3

Say no more! Moving back with family is crazy making in the best of circumstances (not that I would know what those are like).

Would love to hear more about your dogs and your art.

yes living with family has truly been testing every aspect of my mental health lol

I'm not very good at talking about my art but here is my website URL!
http://caseymeyersphotography.com

As you can see my name is not actually dogsdogsdogs, but i'm fine with not being completely anonymous on here so feel free to check it out!

Thank you for sharing your amazing art, dogs. It resonates with me in many ways.

UPDATE!
my first session with new therapist went so great! She's the fourth therapist I've tried in a span of 9 years and this is honestly the first time I felt comfortable speaking honestly to a therapist. I'm sure it has a lot to do with the fact that I'm older and actually WANT to get help right now, nonetheless it was great and she really seems kind and dedicated. I just wanted to share my joy with ya'll

rivergirl: thanks so much, I love hearing that about my work <3