YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

Greetings everyone.

I really feel like I am here right now because the last three months have been leading up to the discovery of this podcast. I recently asked the universe to point me in a direction that would pull me out of myself and get me on the road to understanding and dealing with my deeply hidden and deeply problematic mental issues. I don't talk about the troubling paranoia and anxiety that I experience on a daily basis. Hearing other people talk about it is helping me get there. I have a lot of issues but this is an introduction so I'll just give you the basics. I am 28 years old, a mother of three radiant points of light (children), I have a wonderful husband, I have a B.A. that I don't know what to do with... I love funny people, they are my people. Otherwise, I am socially and emotionally totally dysfunctional and I need to change it for them and for me. It's getting worse with age when I thought that these were things I would grow out of. I am also beginning to think that I've been suffering from a constant low grade depression since I was about 13 years old. So that's me in some sense. Fear basically rules my life. I can't make friends because it feels like it takes all of my energy just to maintain a superficial conversation. I come alive when I can talk about things with real meaning but I cannot get past the barrier of small-talk without needing to completely shut down afterward. I'm rambling. I just wanted to connect and be honest because I really respect what is going on here.

-Moon Unit

> I come alive when I can talk about things with real meaning but I cannot get past the barrier of small-talk without needing to completely shut down afterward.

Sometimes I just "throw all my chips in" and just launch into talking about exactly where I am right now. It is risky, because there is a lot of rejection, but if the alternative is not making any type of connection at all, then basically you have rejected yourself, so what do you have to lose?

All the best, take care, cheers!

Moon Unit,

I feel like I'm reading my own bio. I'm a 40-yr-old mom of 3. My husband is probably more supportive than I deserve. Before we had kids, we used to move quite frequently because of his career. So every 2 years or so, I had to put myself out there and make new friends. We have lived in our current location for over 9 years and I have yet to make any meaningful connections. Sometimes I feel extremely lonlely and isolated. I always feel like I've violated some hidden social code by being too open and honest (not about my anxiety/depression, just in general). After we go to a social function, I'm always quizzing my husband as to whether or not I acted appropriately (i.e. Did I talk too much? Did I say the wrong thing? Did I do anything to embarrass you?, etc.). Putting myself out there over and over, has left me emotionally bankrupt.

I'd like to tell you that dealing with your problems gets easier with age, but that would be a lie. I've been on anti-depressants for also almost 9 years and while that helps with the normal day to day fear and anxiety, it's not a cure. After my latest mental meltdown (and after listening to this podcast), I've started seeing a psychologist to get serious about breaking this cycle.

Find someone to talk to (a professional or an old friend). Sometimes just getting our thoughts and fears out in the open really puts things in perspective. The other person can help you figure out if your fears are rational and look at situations from different angles.

Whenever you a feel a little down on yourself, do what I do... Look at your kids and say to yourself, "I MADE these people! They are happy and smart, because they come from me, so I must not be all bad." (They certainly didn't get all that from their father.)

Hang in there. You're not alone.

Thank you for taking the time to read and reply to my intro. It is heartening to know that someone cared enough to offer some advice and encouragement. I look forward to what develops on this forum and on Paul's podcast which I really enjoy and from which I have already gleaned so much insight and wisdom!

Moon Unit,

In your original post, you mentioned that you felt like you were "rambling." I actually thought what you wrote was quite good! I get extremely self-critical of myself regarding what I say and what I write so I sometimes have to play this little game where I try very hard to have perspective, objectivity and compassion for myself. Sorry if this sounds totally "out there"...or (Oh, crap!) judgmental or preachy.

Were you open about your feelings?
Yes. You shared some things with us that are clearly very close to your heart.

Were you genuine?
A silly question really. I think it's a safe assumption that you didn't make up bold-face lies about yourself!

Did you connect on a personal level to others in the forum?
Yes! Definitely GladImNotAlone, manuel_moe_g and I were touched by what you wrote. I would bet anything that there were others too.

I wish when I tried to compliment someone it didn't come out so weird. I'm glad you've joined the forum. Thank you for what you wrote.

Cheers,
Dan

Thanks Dan. I would say that your reply to my intro. has the same elements of self-criticism. It seems impossible to avoid . I don't find anything you said to be judgmental, preachy, or out-there. I appreciate your feedback. I recently moved to a new community and I made a "resolution" to make an effort to be more social and so far I have pretty much kept to my same old behaviours. Every time a social function or whatever comes up I desperately try to avoid going. I know this makes others feel alienated or rejected and I often get pegged as a snob or aloof at the least. The truth is that I love people generally, but only one on one when meeting new people. I hate group dynamics especially when going into a group that is established and I am the new person. My stomach is getting knotted as I think about it. I have had this issue from my early teens and I never got past it. Now it is really holding me back. Have you had anything similar? Do you know if this is a common effect of depression or anxiety?

-Amber

Amber,

Yes, I do think I have a similar problem. It seems like what we're talking about is sometimes called social anxiety. I could list the various social situations I've avoided or felt like avoiding, but it's pretty much everything. I agree with you that groups are harder than one-on-one. Sometimes though, if I can just sort of get lost in a crowd and not have to really talk to anyone it's almost as easy as being alone. Special situations where there's a lot of scrutiny, e.g. job interviews and first dates, are insanely uncomfortable for me. People tell me that it's normal to be nervous at such times and I guess that's true. But here's the thing: there are varying degrees of nervousness, right? And if it's severe enough you'll choose to avoid social things even if you see other people enjoying it, even if there's pressure to socialize, even if you're lonely.

Do I think difficulty socializing is a common result of depression or anxiety? I should mention that I'm not a mental health expert of any kind. I have given this topic a lot of thought though. It does seem like a lot of depressed people have difficulty socializing. Likewise for anxious people. As I think I mentioned before, I can be extremely self-critical. For what its worth, my own pet theory is that if I could shut off that cruel inner voice, I would see that I am actually a decent person and that would go a long way toward fixing all of the above problems.

-Dan

I often get pegged as a snob or aloof at the least

This feeling is always a big challenge for me, because it leads naturally into hating myself, feeling sorry for myself, giving up on myself.

Rationally, most of the feeling of "getting pegged as a snob" is imagined, and, if it is real, if there are really people jumping at the chance to reject you and call you a snob, those are exactly the type of people you would want to avoid anyway.

So, own your "snobbiness" and lunge into connecting with people, even if it is as awkward as a marionette with tangled strings, let the chips fall where they may.

Easier said than done. {{shrug }} But today it really struck me how I have not been loving to myself because I have not been pushing myself to go outside of my comfort zone.

A belated welcome to the forum! I can easily relate to many of the things you said, especially about social anxiety. I can talk myself out of going anywhere with anyone at any time because I always focus on the negatives (Will I be able to find a parking space? What if I talk too much? What if my clothes aren't nice enough?) instead of whether it would be fun or I would learn something new or meeting someone interesting. Plus I'm an introvert and it takes so much energy to be around others. I'm sure some people in the past have thought I was aloof but really I was just trying to deal with the ever-present fatigue that comes from social situations. It's a major hindrance and I'm trying very hard to find a coping mechanism, but I've been this way for many years. Like others have said, it's just so hard to turn that inner critic off, whose voice is a lovely cocktail of both depression and anxiety.

But as Paul says, you're not alone. I hope you are able to connect with people in your new home, and find a group or activity that brings you joy. We'll be here if you need us.

Plus I'm an introvert and it takes so much energy to be around others.

Sometimes I feel so ashamed that social situations are so taxing to me I need hours of extra sleep the next day.

I was in Toastmasters for a bit, I gave it up when I realized that it felt to me more about speaking than listening, and had very little overlap with personal improvement (was probably the particular group I joined than the organization). After a speech, I barely had the energy for showing up to work the next day, to my shame.