Digging myself out of another hole.

[GladImNotAlone]

Hi! I'm a 40-yr-old mom of three, married 14 years, never seem to get enough done, never feel like I fit in with the straight-laced, soccer moms all around me. Originally from NC, I've lived in OH for over 9 years (coincidentally about the same amount of time I've been on antidepressants) and have yet to make any close friends. The lonliness and isolation are killing me.

I've worked, joined a mommies' group, gone back to school, joined the PTO, etc., etc., and have never found anyone I can truly be myself around. When I do start to open up to someone, they start to pull away. It's like there is some unspoken social code that I'm violating. Maybe I come off as too desparate and it scares them away. I also feel like I have the tendency to start testing the friendship, by pushing the boundaries with things I do or say. Then when they are gone, I can rationalize by telling myself that they were never a true friend anyway. Luckily, I do have a handful of friends who I can still spill my guts to, but they all live 400 miles away. Thank FSM for modern technology!

I've also taken on many endeavors in the past few years (i.e. work, school, PTO). Each time something starts going well for me, I begin to self-destructively tear it apart, along with any relationships associated with it. It's like a voice in my head starts telling me that I don't deserve it, so I destroy it before it will eventually fail anyway. I am currently trying to dig my way out of the rubble of my latest act of self-sabotage, forcing myself out of bed to face the world, trying not to cry in front of my 4-yr-old.

I've seen a couple of psychologists and a psychiatrist in the past. I've recently started seeing a psychologist again. Hopefully, now that I'm older and wiser(?) I can work through my issues and break this cycle.

I'm so glad I found this Podcast. Thanks, Paul.

[Moon Unit]

You know. I had a really hard time starting this reply for several reasons. The top two being that my thoughts were telling me that anything I say will be trite and useless and the second being that this means that I have to give out some energy and possibly risk some kind of rejection. So here it is anyway. I genuinely want you to feel better and I want your quality of life to improve because we all deserve to have a good life and feel good about ourselves and our lives. I know that we are all beautiful, not perfect but still beautiful and deserving of love and acceptance. I want to tell you that when you are rejected by the people that you "over share" with, that it is them and not you. They are rejecting something that they are afraid of or are not ready to recognize in themselves. That being said, if you are going to be vulnerable with people try not to give your energy to those you know will just abuse it. I also believe that other people setting boundaries with you is okay and is part of their own journey, it is not your fault. Do try not to go into situations anticipating that you will be rejected. I know this is hard when the opposite has so often been your experience. Through my university studies in psychology I have learned that if we go into a situation having predetermined the outcome, we've often set ourselves up to fulfill that outcome. I can tell in your writings that you are a deeply feeling and compassionate individual and it is hard to be that way in this world. More power to you!

[manuel_moe_g]

> When I do start to open up to someone, they start to pull away. It's like there is some unspoken social code that I'm violating. Maybe I come off as too desparate and it scares them away. I also feel like I have the tendency to start testing the friendship, by pushing the boundaries with things I do or say. Then when they are gone, I can rationalize by telling myself that they were never a true friend anyway.

This seems very healthy. Maybe come at it more like a science experiment, and try sometimes increasing the openness and sometimes dialing back the openness and then being open only later. But, yeah, I would agree, if you are looking for openness then be open, or else you are very very unlikely to get it.

Cheers, and take care!

[manuel_moe_g]

> Through my university studies in psychology I have learned that if we go into a situation having predetermined the outcome, we've often set ourselves up to fulfill that outcome.

Good to remember. Thanks Moon!

[GladImNotAlone]

Thanks to you both for your advice. Coming from the South, the common cultural practice is that if you spend more than 5 minutes with someone, you share your life story, they share their life story, and then you're friends for life. Midwesterners seem to be much more reserved. I could actually be connecting with people and not even know it, so I'll keep putting myself out there.

I've been staying home for the past 4 years. I think a change of scenery will make a world of difference. I've applied to some jobs in the scientific research field (my old life). I should at least be able to find more like-minded people there. Freaks and geeks are my peeps.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Glad,
Welcome. I think a lot of people can relate to what you're feeling and going through. And I think it's great that you're recommitting yourself to therapy. It can really help break a lot of stuff open for us. I think support groups are also really good, because we then sometimes get to spend time with those people outside of the group meeting and get to put what we're learning to the test and get feedback. Sometimes painful, but usually helpful. And there's nothing like being in a room full of people who aren't pretending they have their shit together.

Paul