Hello
Posted: November 12th, 2011, 10:36 pm
Hi, all--
I'm a big fan of the podcast and really appreciate...well, just the fact that it exists. Even if it's hard for me to truly accept the kind words and deeds of other people, it's still good to hear that I'm not alone. It's possible to know something intellectually while at the same time feeling that the opposite is true...so, it's good to hear and be told that I'm not alone, even if I feel completely isolated.
I've been in sort of a "mood" lately...I don't really know what to call it. I'm away at college, and this whole semester I've had this feeling that any bit of drive or ambition I might have had is just gone. As such, I can't seem to get any work done. I'm so horrified and embarrassed by this situation, and I'm really upset with myself--I've been able to be a good student and do what I should in the past, why can't I do it now? What's wrong with me? But even the smallest task seems insurmountable to me right now, so that the only thing I seem to be capable of doing is sitting in my armchair, huddled in a blanket, watching British sitcoms on Hulu.
Just today I've accepted the fact that I'm probably depressed again. I didn't get out of bed until around four o'clock, and when I woke up, I cried because I was just so disgusted with how lazy I am and that I have no idea where my life is going (despite the fact that I've identified that I want to go into a field I love and have a strong support in one of my professors). I don't want to fail my courses, but if I don't pull it together, I might. It's like I can see the train coming, but can't summon the energy to get off the tracks.
Leaving school right now is not really an option. I already had to leave school mid-semester in spring of 2010, after having a major depressive episode. I was suicidal, and had a couple of stints in the hospital, one following an actual attempt. I came back to school this year really wanting to just go ahead and get back to finishing my degree. I knew that I wasn't fully "better" (whatever that means), but, since I've been struggling with anxiety and depression my whole life, I knew that I would have to plow ahead, and learn to live and deal with anxious and depressed feelings. I know that's probably not the best thing I could be doing for myself, but I despair of ever really getting over my depression...if I waited to do at least try to accomplish anything until I got "better," I'd never do anything. Anyway, I don't want to have to leave school AGAIN and put trying to build my adult life on hold for yet another year or two. I've had so many stops and starts just in trying to get my BA that I am loath to leave school again.
Sigh. I've gone and written a book. Sorry, all. Mostly I'm sorry that it's all negative. As for the stuff about me that's not clouded in depression, I'm 26, and am a philosophy major and theatre minor in college. I'm more interested in theatre, and want to be a dramaturg (theatre historian) or theatre professor when I grow up. I'm a giant nerd who likes reading, writing, and writing about what she's read, particularly if what I've read is about musical theatre. I also love films and try to watch one a day, usually before I go to bed. I'm also a HUGE anglophile (hence the British sitcoms) and worship regularly at the Church of PG Wodehouse; I've never been to Britain, but would of course love to go someday. This past year away from school, I worked at a vintage store and learned so much about fashion, music and pop culture--it's one of the more valuable experiences I've ever had. I came away with a lot of great stuff, too...I remember joking to my mom at one point, "wow, I have all this interesting stuff! Now all I have to do is become an interesting person." That I might actually be interesting or at all worthwhile is hard for me to accept, sometimes.
Sigh, again. All right, I'm done covering the internet in sad, sad words. Thank you for reading this, even if you just skimmed straight to the end. I guess I didn't realize just how much I needed to say.
I'm a big fan of the podcast and really appreciate...well, just the fact that it exists. Even if it's hard for me to truly accept the kind words and deeds of other people, it's still good to hear that I'm not alone. It's possible to know something intellectually while at the same time feeling that the opposite is true...so, it's good to hear and be told that I'm not alone, even if I feel completely isolated.
I've been in sort of a "mood" lately...I don't really know what to call it. I'm away at college, and this whole semester I've had this feeling that any bit of drive or ambition I might have had is just gone. As such, I can't seem to get any work done. I'm so horrified and embarrassed by this situation, and I'm really upset with myself--I've been able to be a good student and do what I should in the past, why can't I do it now? What's wrong with me? But even the smallest task seems insurmountable to me right now, so that the only thing I seem to be capable of doing is sitting in my armchair, huddled in a blanket, watching British sitcoms on Hulu.
Just today I've accepted the fact that I'm probably depressed again. I didn't get out of bed until around four o'clock, and when I woke up, I cried because I was just so disgusted with how lazy I am and that I have no idea where my life is going (despite the fact that I've identified that I want to go into a field I love and have a strong support in one of my professors). I don't want to fail my courses, but if I don't pull it together, I might. It's like I can see the train coming, but can't summon the energy to get off the tracks.
Leaving school right now is not really an option. I already had to leave school mid-semester in spring of 2010, after having a major depressive episode. I was suicidal, and had a couple of stints in the hospital, one following an actual attempt. I came back to school this year really wanting to just go ahead and get back to finishing my degree. I knew that I wasn't fully "better" (whatever that means), but, since I've been struggling with anxiety and depression my whole life, I knew that I would have to plow ahead, and learn to live and deal with anxious and depressed feelings. I know that's probably not the best thing I could be doing for myself, but I despair of ever really getting over my depression...if I waited to do at least try to accomplish anything until I got "better," I'd never do anything. Anyway, I don't want to have to leave school AGAIN and put trying to build my adult life on hold for yet another year or two. I've had so many stops and starts just in trying to get my BA that I am loath to leave school again.
Sigh. I've gone and written a book. Sorry, all. Mostly I'm sorry that it's all negative. As for the stuff about me that's not clouded in depression, I'm 26, and am a philosophy major and theatre minor in college. I'm more interested in theatre, and want to be a dramaturg (theatre historian) or theatre professor when I grow up. I'm a giant nerd who likes reading, writing, and writing about what she's read, particularly if what I've read is about musical theatre. I also love films and try to watch one a day, usually before I go to bed. I'm also a HUGE anglophile (hence the British sitcoms) and worship regularly at the Church of PG Wodehouse; I've never been to Britain, but would of course love to go someday. This past year away from school, I worked at a vintage store and learned so much about fashion, music and pop culture--it's one of the more valuable experiences I've ever had. I came away with a lot of great stuff, too...I remember joking to my mom at one point, "wow, I have all this interesting stuff! Now all I have to do is become an interesting person." That I might actually be interesting or at all worthwhile is hard for me to accept, sometimes.
Sigh, again. All right, I'm done covering the internet in sad, sad words. Thank you for reading this, even if you just skimmed straight to the end. I guess I didn't realize just how much I needed to say.
I still don't know if I'm completely "better," but right now I am.