YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

Hey everyone! I just discovered this podcast today, even though I heard Paul on another podcast talk about it, I wasn't entirely sure what it was all about until today. Needless to say, as a failed comic and an unemployed therapist, this podcast apparently was pulled straight from my brain. Ive been reading some posts here and im really touched by how supportive everyone is. Thank you all for being so great.

Anyway, im kind of in this ridiculous quarterlife crisis here that i cant seem to get unstuck from. Ever since I was about ten or so, the only thing i thought would make me feel like my life was worth it was being a stand-up comedian. i watched the same specials over and over on comedy central, tried writing jokes as a kid (totally hack...) and dreamed of the day i would have my own comedy special on HBO. but life got away from me. ive had depression most of my life, and due to some abandonment issues, there has never been a moment in my life when i didnt absolutely think i sucked. ive had depression since 19, and im sure it was there before it was diagnosed in some other form. I played with the idea of getting on stage in my midsize city, and a few times i did, at 17, 21, and 23. only once during those years. but i never thought i could ever be as funny as my idols. so why bother? then, while in grad school, i decided that if i was going to start, i might as well go ahead and start, and i started doing the local open mic every week. i started doing other shows as well and was pretty happy with where things were going. i was friends with great local comics who thought i was funny too. so whats next? new york city, of course. i was going to get good at what i loved doing, and be that much better for it. so i took my not-dead-yet dreams and my now husband and we moved to nyc to try out comedy with the big boys.

oh did i mention how much i hate myself? turns out that feeling gets exacerbated when you go through the ringer that is the nyc comedy scene. i would go to these mics, play to a room full of other comics, and get complete silence for five minutes. i said "ok, im not funny then" and threw out all of the jokes i wrote in my hometown that did well and started over. i was going to write the kind of jokes that would make even the most cynical comic chuckle. but it was no use. most of the time when i was on stage in the city, i bombed. if i did the very rare show that was in front of non-comics, i did ok, but these mics were horrendous. i was less and less motivated to get out there and get good. i thought it was impossible for me to ever be funny enough, no matter how much i got up there, no matter how many times i sit down and write, i would always suck. because i started to slide backwards, going MONTHS without getting onstage, i never made it beyond being an open miker.

so we moved. we moved far away. and i cant get up the courage to do comedy in my new town. i think "whats the point?". and i cant for the life of me reconcile the fact that i have failed at the only thing i ever thought i was even remotely good at. the one thing i wanted to do since i was a child. on another podcast i listen to, one of the hosts who is a professional comedian made reference to the fact that it gets easier to be a good comic when the other 90 percent of "other" comics quit eventually. well, at least i got out of the way for someone good to get a few more minutes of stage time. i can at least take comfort in that. but without comedy, i have no idea who im supposed to be. kind of a bummer.

i guess my point is that listening to this podcast is giving me hope that im not the only one out there feeling like i could be something more than i am. freaking paul f tomkins feels like hes not doing enough in his career?!?! that dude is amazing. any respectable comedian that ive met is a fan of his. how can it get any better than that?

anyway thanks for reading.

I imagine it would be a very hard thing to do. Kindof strange how there is pressure put on people to write jokes. That seems like something that should be organic.

I feel kindof like you do. I would like to do comedy, but it's soooo hard and I live in Kansas. Haha. I really don't wanna move. Also, I was a musician and I would like to play.. but it just seems pointless because I know I don't wanna do it full time. I don't wanna be considered a hack or something.


Anyways, welcome!

Hello scarlito,

have you thought about joining an improv group? stand-up comedy is really intense, it is hardly a badge of shame to fail at it, because only a few hundred in the whole USA can make a living at it.

cheers, all the best!

ihcl -

thanks for the welcome! i feel the same way. i know its no longer something i can really make a living at, so thats why im so hesitant to get back on stage. im afraid ill remember how much i love it and then set myself up for some more pain. but i know thats irrational and i need to get over it. as for your music, why would someone consider you a hack? if you create something you genuinely love, no one has the right to judge you. besides, it might be fun to at least try and get on stage. even if it doesnt work out, youll have some fun stories.

manuel -

actually i am terrible at improv. im just too slow in my brains. i DID think about sketch for a minute or two, and even took a class at the UCB, but i think stand up is what i really love. i guess i can try again and see how it works out.

thank you guys for reading my lame post, i kinda feel embarrassed and whiny about it now. i appreciate yall and hope to actually contribute here in the future.

scarlito wrote:but i think stand up is what i really love

Maybe record it like a monologue without an audience, like the Bill Burr podcast, or a YouTube video monologue like Pat Condell. Also, getting into the discipline of tweeting jokes everyday can be another way to build up the discipline for a comedy career, like Matt Roller @rolldiggity I try to do it at twitter too @manuelmoeg but I suck at keeping it up (but this is a good reminder for me to start up again )

Take care, be awesome, all the best!

comedy blogging could be a good way to go, too. i admire you having the balls to have gone out to NYC and tried at all. and i think sometimes we tie our idea of success too closely to what others think, or to money. but having it in you to live life well and give things a try is something we underrate and underestimate. that's really a big deal, because so many of us will only ever think about things and go about our daily business not even taking the most minute step toward our dreams.

Scarlito,

Welcome! You're being so hard on yourself I feel like I'm listening to myself! The advice I always give to people who want to do stand-up is to ask yourself what you want to get out it? Money? Fame? Moving the craft forward? Expressing yourself? If we can be honest about that, then it's easier to decide what routes to take. If you don't care about fame or money, it's a lot easier to do standup because you give yourself more room to experiment and more patience to grow.

If you're doing it for fame or money, I think that puts tremendous pressure on the aspects of it that we don't control. If we're doing it to see how we can express ourselves, then we only have ourselves to please and that is way, way easier than pursuing it for fame or money. Or maybe you want to give it up. There's nothing wrong with that. I've pretty much given up doing road work because I just don't like so much of what it involves. I feel kind of like a quitter, but it's ceased to be the medium for me. At 48 I'm discovering podcasting is a better medium to express myself. So be patient with yourself. Life almost never happens on our timetable. Once I accept that, I have a chance at being happy.

And if it makes you feel better, I had a set in L.A. one night in front of a bunch of industry people that went so badly, I didn't get back onstage in L.A. for two years.

Sometimes what feels like failure is just the board being erased so we can begin another phase of our lives that is more suited to who we are.

Paul

thanks everyone! you all are amazing...

i am happy to report that i just came back from doing a short, tiny little set at the comedy club in our new town (just a showcase thing). i had a great time and i did very well. i hope to be back soon. i think ill be getting on stage again soon at one of the open mics as well. i love this feeling of being excited about comedy again.

i think that i always dreamed of at least making a living at comedy. not to be rich, but to have a paycheck that says "you get this money because your job is comedian". like a monetary justification that you are worth something. but i now realize that thats not always the way you prove to yourself that youre good at it. LOTS of people get paid for comedy that just do street jokes and premises stolen from south park on stage. tonight i got laughs. from actual people. and handshakes from comics i just met. and you know what? i felt funny. and no one handed me any money.

thank you all for your kind words and support. ill keep checking in to see if theres any way i can pay it forward:)

scarlito

scarlito wrote:tonight i got laughs. from actual people. and handshakes from comics i just met. and you know what? i felt funny. and no one handed me any money.

This is amazingly awesome! I am so excited and happy for you!

thanks manuel! it was great:)