YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

I'm so glad I found this site. I'm going through the shows one by one and so far, every person I've listened to has said something that rings true in my life. I'm a depressed, introverted, self effacing, workaholic artist in New York City who had a messed up childhood. Whoopee!

Over the years I've managed to push away anyone from my life who showed even the slightest bit of interest or affection towards me. After all, if they like me there must be something wrong with them. This is something I'm working on changing. During good times it's not so bad to have no friends, family, partner or community for support but when times get tough (like they are right now) then you really feel it. Anyway, I think I have a new addiction: The Mental Illness Happy Hour!

Hello danjay!

danjay wrote:Over the years I've managed to push away anyone from my life who showed even the slightest bit of interest or affection towards me.

You need to practice more - I have perfected rejecting people before they have a chance to reject me, and I am so good at it I reject them before they even have a chance to see me, before they get within 100 miles of me!

My loneliness caused me to break down at the age of 25. I am 40 now, with a wife that doesn't take any of my shit - it doesn't feel good when she yells at me (like this morning) but I much prefer it to the coma I sink into when I am left to my own devices. I hope I can become a better man - my living situation has improved greatly because of my wife and daughter.

danjay wrote:This is something I'm working on changing. [...] Anyway, I think I have a new addiction: The Mental Illness Happy Hour!

Please keep working to change your situation, we are all cheering for you! It is going to be awesome when you start treating yourself in a loving way like you deserve, and kick the barn doors open and let the sunshine in! All the best!

Danjay,
Welcome to the forum! I'm so happy to be your dealer! Seriously, I'm glad you're relating to the show. It warms my heart. Some days I am in awe at how good it can feel to just talk about my fear, doubt and pain. In those moments it shapeshifts to something beautiful. I'm not a religious person, but that to me, is God. It's bigger than me. I don't understand it. But I need it and it gives me strength.

Paul

Thanks manuel_moe_g and Paul for the nice responses. It's so important to know that there are others out there who understand what you're going through and will take the time to listen. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by the challenges I'm facing. I never thought I would be 48 without a steady income, yet here I am. How did this happen? Where did I go wrong? 15 years ago, I was at the top of my game, turning down work from major design studios because I had too many other cool projects to work on. Now, I get into these panics about how I'm over the hill and I'll never find work again. I'm also dealing with 3 immediate family members, all of whom are facing serious illness.

My brother is mentally ill with Asperger's, although no one knew what it was when we were growing up. My parents gave just about all their attention to him, figuring that I was okay and didn't need so much. Consequently, I was left alone a lot. I learned to cope by becoming independent and developing the ability to spend long periods of time by myself. That's probably why I became a visual artist. Unlike music or performing, painting and visual art is something that's almost always done alone. I've heard similar stories from other visual artists as well. Being left alone a lot as a kid made the solitary, private world of painting and drawing a kind of magical wonderland. It's a peaceful refuge where the chaos and confusion of the real world can't get you. It replaces the friends and family you don't have. Being able to block out the world and focus on your artwork is a good thing. You get a lot done and you increase your skills. The down side is that when you really need people, you don't have them.

Of course there are lots of artists who also have great friends, relationships, family, etc so the two aren't mutually exclusive. I'm working on it. Opening up and letting others into your life can be the most terrifying thing in the world. Isn't the human brain strange? We follow habits and patterns of behavior that may be self destructive or painful, just because that's what we're familiar with. I'm not a religious person either. To me, inspiration is all about the ability and achievements of people. So, the fact that someone can create a forum like this and that lots of other people can come together to listen and communicate is very inspiring. I'm really glad I'm part of it and I hope I can contribute something useful to others here.

danjay wrote:My parents gave just about all their attention to him, figuring that I was okay and didn't need so much. Consequently, I was left alone a lot.

I have nothing to contribute about this, I want to honor your pain.

danjay wrote:Of course there are lots of artists who also have great friends, relationships, family, etc so the two aren't mutually exclusive. I'm working on it. Opening up and letting others into your life can be the most terrifying thing in the world. Isn't the human brain strange? We follow habits and patterns of behavior that may be self destructive or painful, just because that's what we're familiar with.

Yeah, one of the things I am working on is experiencing the pain of moving myself out of my comfort zone in loving ways, toward accomplishment and meaning - so later I can avoid the suffering of the pain of regret. I am so happy you have an insight into the most loving action you need to take.

All the best, cheers, would love to see you around here regularly!