YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

I'm 38 years of age (old and young depending on the situation . I grew up in Texas with an alcoholic genius who abused all 6 of us children emotionally and physically with the added bonus of sexual abuse for me. I took the molestation and abuse quietly until my older brother fished the details out of me and then resisted and speak out against our father for it.

Bad shit happens, I can take it. I get through it. I was lucky to have my brother as a champion back then and later I had a best friend who stood by me and helped me escape after high school. When I made my move into prison overseas, I was again lucky to have a sympathetic missionary and consul officers who knew my situation and wanted to help. Now, though, in the real world without forced interaction like growing up together, school or prison visits, I find myself weathering my lifestorms alone and while I am good at it and CAN manage, I must say I am tired of it. I don't want to drag anyone down or be a drag - in fact most my friends consider me the life of the party - but I really want a relationship that needs and
feeds me.

It is an unexpected surprise to find I want to engage in such a forum. i hope my posts will illuminate the topics in helpful ways and look forward to reading what others are sharing.

I find you really interesting, and feel you should elaborate. For instance, you wrote "when I made my move into prison overseas..." without going into any detail! lol. I don't mean to be flippant. You seem like a strong and positive person.

Hello mxwhtv!

I agree with cyanidebreathmint, your story sounds intense, and you glossed over a lot of details.

My problems sound very very minor compared to your challenges, but I have been feeling it too that my life feels like climbing and climbing a rope - my arms are very very tired, but my arms automatically keep me from letting go. I don't even have the possible relief of suicide to rescue me!

All my motivations are anxiety based, so all I really want to do is sleep and sleep and sleep my life away. But I am cutting myself a lot more slack lately, so I don't throw away techniques for improvement if they don't make me burst into action - even if all I can manage is 3 minutes productive work a day, I am happy for it - the trying is the success, ignore the external judgments.

mxwhtv wrote:It is an unexpected surprise to find I want to engage in such a forum.

Why is that? Why is it unexpected?

MXWHTV,

Welcome. I'm glad you like the forum. You sound like you know the direction you need to start heading in, and that's an important first step; letting people know what's really going on with you.

Paul