Hello my name is Brice
Posted: June 19th, 2011, 11:37 am
Hi, i would like to thank the bob and tom show for posting were to go to find you all here. I am not doing good this year, or the past years. You know your doing bad when your therapist says wow. I have dealt with depression since birth, no joke, it was my personality not really a symptom, but I learned to use it and deal with it through the years. I've had suicidal thoughts since elementry school, but they never bothered me. I even die in my dreams, and the dreams continue with out me in them. But the last 12 months have really taken a toll on me, my dad, 62, had a lung transplant last year, they figure he had weeks left before they failed, and even sending samples to exsperts around the world they still don't know why they failed. After 6 months he started getting sick and eneded up in and out of the hospital. Right before the holidays he was starting to lose the ability to communicate through aspasia, sorry I cant spell. In the end he had a very rare brain virus, in fact he was only the 3rd lung transplant patient to have it, it slowly destroys the brain piece by piece, and for transplant patients there is nothing they can do. That was horrifying in it's own right, but at the same time, after the diagnosis, my wife of 12 years picked to tell me she had no feeling for me anymore and wanted to seperate. We had never fought, and I was working 70 hour weeks so she could have and do whatever she needed or wanted, she was my world. I never was unfaithfull in anyway. I havent had a friend in 10 years, and only one since high school, I was the one teachers would stand infront of the class and insult letting the class mates join in on the fun. I was even offered a one way plane ticket in jr high as long as I didnt come back, they showed me the money. In high school it got worse, I was the one in every school people needed to hate so they could feel better about themselves, I call it the human punching bag. So family was all I had to even hope to talk to for support, but couldn't since my dad had to be priority. So I had to cover it all up tuill I had to move out in March. My dad died in april, the day after his birthday, and during that week i was having to do paper work for my divorse, and my vehicle started breaking down, loss money due to court fee's and missed work for dad. And somehow wrote my dads obituary. How bad are things now, I still work 70 hours, now to have less, still have no friends, I even tried meeting through craigslist, yup that desperate, and totaly failed there too, though found out there are a lot of hookers online in my area. A couple weeks ago I had a real bad anxiety attack,even fell to the floor. So i took meds I had,2 of them, no overdose, one was a sleep/anxiety med, the other for pain, I was in need of help for both. In ten minutes I had to concentrate to breath and my heart was skipping up to 3 beats, and doing triplets, I couldn't stand and my vision was static. I sat in my chair debating if I should call for help, and after 15 minutes of not daring closing my eyes, couldn't make myself call. I spent the next hour debating weither or not to just close my eyes, stop concentrating on breathing and let myself die and end the non stopping mental pain and lonelyness. I wanted too, I really did, in the end I couldnt since in violated my third rule of killing myself of leaving a body. So thankyou for your pod cast, I can only imagine how many people need something like it, your doing a great service to so many. I'm still not doing good, but look forward atleast to your episodes. Thankyou for what you do. And sorry this eneded up so frigging long
. Please don't worry about saying too much here. This is one place where everyone is free to open up as much as they want. I'm sorry you've had so much pain in your life, especially recently, but just know that as bad as things may look at any given time they're never so bad that they cannot get better. It's just that usually "better" doesn't come about like you'd expect or plan. Also, the most important part of this forum and podcast is remembering that you truly are not alone in what you're going through. 