YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

Hello Paul and the rest of the members

I discovered the itunes podcast last night and have now signed up on the website. I downloaded an older podcast with Greg Behrent and listened to it while cycling today. It was hard to stay focused on cycling because so much of what was being said made me feel in such good company.

I am a "once-successful-now-not-so-much-royally-fucked-up-"professional"-actor and singer". With a 25 year career at my feet, a degree, and an impressive resume I've not worked significantly in over 2 years. As Greg said about his theatre degree upon graduation ("Here, take this rock..at least it does something...my degree does nothing!).

I am quite surprised at just how numb person can become. I've stalled, in every sense of the word. Its like I've lost all feeling...like the reality of my situation is so heavy that I've shut down. Once, the life of the party, I can go a month without every hearing from a sole.

I'm not terminally unique. Of that I am sure.

I'm afraid I'll never work again, die penniless after once making 6 figures a year. I used to be afraid I'd never love again...now I'm just afraid I'll never love ME again. It's not self-pity...it's not just complaining...it's about no relief after day in and day out of trying.

I'm most afraid of the fact that I'm going to loose my very senior parents before they see me out from under this dark veil.

So that's me. My introduction. I don't like what I wrote. I want to be the person who has it together to help someone else. Right now, I don't have it together to clean my bathroom sink.

I scrubbed the toilet today. That was an effort. It was an effort to care.

Only Karen Carpenter's songs make sense to me. Now THAT'S saying a lot!

Hey dear.

I'm new to this board too.

I know what you mean about being professionally stalled, and wanting your parents to see you succeed before they pass on. (unfortunately, i am in a hell of my own creation there)

And I totally feel you about not having the energy to do basic things like habitat maintenance. Although I know I'll feel better if it's done, it's still so much effort.

I too have songs that I play repeatedly when I'm in my worst moods. What KC songs do you love?

Powerpac7,
You had me at Karen Carpenter. Holy Shit do those songs strike a chord in me. I know the feelings you describe all too well. It is such a drag when everything is an effort. If you're not seeing a mental health professional, I would highly recommend seeing one, because my experience is that we don't get out of these things by ourselves, and isolating is the WORST thing we can do, even though it feels the most sensible and comfortable, but it is quicksand. Yes, its warm and gooey, and feels kinda good at first, but it is quicksand. These all sound like things that I thought were just "me", but were in fact my untreated depression (and addictions).

Paul

Thanks for the feedback Paul. Actually the first podcast of yours that I listened to was the inspiration for the Karen Carpenter title here. You referenced her in your own context referring to early feelings you had about not feeling "dateable". I find myself relating to so much of what you share on the podcasts that I most assuredly don't feel alone in my feelings of uniqueness.

I was diagnosed with non-responsive depression meaning that my body doesn't not metabolize meds in a way that is effective. After trying 7 of them for significant periods of time the side effects are at best, completely ineffective and at worst, exacerbate the symtoms.

I so related to one of your guests who commented on a therapist who would fall asleep during his sessions. One of my first psych.'s did that too. We would talk about recipies, then she would fall asleep at at the end of the sessions she would offer me xanax (which she also took)...2 years of that was enough.

Then there was the most recent who encourages a dream journal, writing about living your passion rather than playing it safe. Well, DUH! 25 years in the entertainment industry WAS the dream, and far from being safe. so his reply was: "you peaked too soon", and started a blackboard and chalk study of the human brain and the primal instincts we have to react the way we do. I'm all over the fight or flight theory, but what about when it applies to the therapist you are sitting in front of?!

So for now, even though I no you bear no responsibility here, personally or on the podcast, I turn to these places to feel less alone while I wade through my shit.

As for the meds...I'm simply not prepared to go through any more "brain shocks", lethargy, anxiety, etc that they provoke even 1 year into them. Besides which, no medical insurance means no way of paying for them.

Hey Powerpac7,

Welcome to the forum, albeit a little late of a welcome ! Sorry to hear about what all you're going through. I too can relate to the feelings of numbness and withdrawal. Thanks for sharing and I look forward to seeing you around!

-EL

My first visit to the forum. Before introducing myself I thought I'd look at a few posts to get the idea, and the Karen Carpenter reference made this one a must-read.

When I was in the mental hospital, a large hi-fi radio played most of the time, echoing throughout the ward thanks to the ubiquitous hard surfaces one finds in such places. Two songs seemed to be playing constantly (this will place the time period as 1971) - "Who'll Stop the Rain" by Creedence...and "Rainy Days and Mondays" by the Carpenters.
For a long time after my time in lockup, hearing either one of those songs made me sad. Then somehow the feelings evoked by these songs became liberating. Not to go on and on about it but I guess I'm trying to say that like my late father kept saying to me when I was in the depths of acute mental illness, "This too shall pass."

For me, at least, lots of time did indeed make a difference. Dad made no pretense at being especially good at coping with his son's mental illness. But his soothing repetition was wonderful. Years later I realized that Dad was depressive too. He's gone now but always loved in my heart, and he did live long enough to see me leave his little company and strike out on my own, which made him so glad. Even though then and now I have never gotten anywhere close to six-figures, it seems okay most of the time. Although yesterday was one of my bad days, so as I like to say with a little humor, "Your mileage may vary."

I read somewhere that one of the most significant differences between men and women is that women can simply listen sympathetically, while men feel compelleted to try to fix things. In my mind this is expressed by a little game-man avatar (the guy wearing overalls - PacMan himself? I dunno) holding up a wrench. "Ready to jump in and start fixing stuff! Whaddaya need?"

In truth we're only doing the best we can, often not good enough to be really helpful, and I try to remember that every time I want to jump in and start turning my wrench. But what I will say is that Paul's mantra, "You are not alone," is truly helpful to me and I hope it will be to you too. Good to have your company, my friend.

so great to read your reply my friend. This is short as I'm off to try and get some sleep, which these days is so very hard for me. Living in my own "crapulance". But your comment "your mileage may vary" made me laugh. Yes, I don't get much happiness to the gallon these days. I'm glad that Karen Carpenter reference caught your attention. The songs do make me sad. But there is something about her story which I relate to. Could it be my fucking eating disorder?! Besides mental issues, she was one of the most distinctive female voices of all time. And when ever I need to have a good pity party, I know her recordings are always there to help me set the tone.

This too shall pass?? Really???? Could it please pass for longer than a day or two. I've paid the fair, rode the ride, and I'd like to fucking get off please!

Hugs to all of you.