Hey y'all
Posted: March 4th, 2012, 7:11 pm
Where to begin? Well I'm a male in my mid 30s from North Carolina. I inherited a genetic eye condition from my mom which is causing me to slowly go blind. As I type this I'm actually legally blind because my visual field is less than 20 degrees. Normal vision is 180 degrees. But to say that I'm functionally blind at this point wouldn't fit me....I get around without a cain or dog although I could probably benefit from either if I didn't want the stigma that both of those things carry.
I didn't start losing my vision until around 13 or so but I managed to keep that secret until I was about 30. I remember back in college being able to pass it off as being drunk or stoned if I tripped over something or couldn't find my way in the dark. As it got worse in my early 20s I would just avoid any circumstance that could possibly cause me trouble. At the ripe old age of 36 I can't really hide it anymore and to be honest I grew so tired of hiding it for so many years that I'm very open about it now. My problem deals with my lack of acceptance of my condition on the deepest of levels. I don't consider myself worthy of love on any level due to my "defect" and up until last year I self medicated with benzos, opiates and alcohol. It came to a head after my mom died of breast cancer late last year. I overdosed and my daughter was the one who had the unfortunate job of finding me in a state so far gone she couldn't wake me up. I was rushed to the hospital and brought back to life.
Since then I have quit pills and scaled way back on the alcohol but my self image and thoughts about my future remain very dark. In my relationships I only attract and am only attracted to extremely broken people that have only ended up making my life more miserable. I only recently recognized this pattern so now I force myself to be alone rather than form bonds with people that end up dragging me further down. This pretty much just deals with my romantic relationships as I would rather focus on someone else's problems than my own. It's a recipe for disaster. If I meet and start dating someone who does have their shit together then I look to end it as quick as possible. I have the constant thought that I will go the suicide route once my remaining functional vision is gone.
Am I fucked up enough to hang here?
I didn't start losing my vision until around 13 or so but I managed to keep that secret until I was about 30. I remember back in college being able to pass it off as being drunk or stoned if I tripped over something or couldn't find my way in the dark. As it got worse in my early 20s I would just avoid any circumstance that could possibly cause me trouble. At the ripe old age of 36 I can't really hide it anymore and to be honest I grew so tired of hiding it for so many years that I'm very open about it now. My problem deals with my lack of acceptance of my condition on the deepest of levels. I don't consider myself worthy of love on any level due to my "defect" and up until last year I self medicated with benzos, opiates and alcohol. It came to a head after my mom died of breast cancer late last year. I overdosed and my daughter was the one who had the unfortunate job of finding me in a state so far gone she couldn't wake me up. I was rushed to the hospital and brought back to life.
Since then I have quit pills and scaled way back on the alcohol but my self image and thoughts about my future remain very dark. In my relationships I only attract and am only attracted to extremely broken people that have only ended up making my life more miserable. I only recently recognized this pattern so now I force myself to be alone rather than form bonds with people that end up dragging me further down. This pretty much just deals with my romantic relationships as I would rather focus on someone else's problems than my own. It's a recipe for disaster. If I meet and start dating someone who does have their shit together then I look to end it as quick as possible. I have the constant thought that I will go the suicide route once my remaining functional vision is gone.
Am I fucked up enough to hang here?