YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

i'm a 26 year old female fighting a 10-year battle (war) with bulimia. i spent 9 years hiding my eating disorder without telling a soul. it defined me. it still does, and back then i made absolute certain that nobody would take it away from me. i succeeded. as the years passed, bulimia and i grew closer and closer to each other. we went to prom, lost our virginity, graduated high school, walked with a purpose. we moved away from home, had an abortion, loved, lost, graduated from college, graduated from grad school, and became a certified allied health professional. still we were far from satisfied, but i was tired. mentally emotionally cognitively intellectually physiologically angrily analytically emphatically...unfortunately regretfully tired.
i drug myself to the doctor after what turned out to be panic attacks had me convinced that i was going to die any day from cardiac arrest and my heart was just fucking with me for the abuse i instilled on it for so many years.
i started seeing a psychiatrist, psychologist, dentist, gynecologist. i started taking more pills in a single day than i normally did in half a year. i told my boyfriend about my eating disorder when i realized i loved him...something i didn't think i was capable of. he responded like any decent person would,"we'll get through this together," etc. but then he left. so i slept. alone. no boyfriend. no bulimia. several months passed. eventually bulimia came back, but i was more interested in her alter ego anorexia.

then came december 25, 2011 when i woke up after god knows how long, balled up on my couch in my apartment 500 miles away from the airport where my dad was supposed to be picking me up. i had hit rock bottom.

HEY fmp and hello!!

That's one eye popping intro......

What will you do?

Hey there,
I saw your reply to one of my posts, and I really wanted to read a bit of your story. You said we sound similar, and I have to agree. I'm kind of still in denial about this anorexia thing (because I'm still chubby), but I do consider it a "we". Bulimia was definitely a "we", but I just don't feel the need, or the want or the urge, to put food in my mouth anymore, and I'm too emotionally and physically drained to purge. It started out as one thing ("I've been laid off, and I can't afford to eat more than once a day. This sucks! I'm hungry!!!") and in a month, became a monster ("I can't afford to eat more than once a day. This sucks...Hey, I've lost 10 pounds in 3 weeks! Why am I so tired? Why does my stomach hurt so badly? I'll eat something. Why am I so wired?! I don't need food or sleep or anything!").

It's interesting to see someone who, on paper, is a lot further ahead with the degrees and independence...a place I've always been desperate to be in (like it'll magically change my life in the most amazing ways). But you're just as depressed, self-hating, and EXHAUSTED as I am. You are intelligent, very articulate, and tortured as all hell. I can't offer any inspirational "you can do it!" jibber-jabber. But I will say to you what you said to me, because this is how I really do try to live my life.

"life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. it's about learning to dance in the rain."

You are the first person to send me a reply with a quote like that. I've tried to articulate what my life is like on my best days, and that quote sums it up nicely.

Fmperfect,

Welcome. Your entry is heartbreakingly beautiful. I think we all would like to read more. I hope you give some of the people in the forum a chance to lend you emotional support. Either way, we're glad you introduced yourself.

Paul

Hi. I don't have an eating disorder persay, but struggle with body image issues. All I can honestly say, is be strong, and you are far from being alone. Too many of us struggle with things ranging from strong body insecurity, to bulimia, to anorexia, and back. I started taking adderall to help with ADD like symptoms I had, and I lost appetite and some weight on it, which led me to feel body image issues stronger, cause I now am scared of gaining that weight back, and want to keep on losing weight. But still want to eat normal. But sometimes I started to restrict. Seems to be getting closer to normal now, but its constant battle in a sense. All this in saying in my own small way I think I can relate.