I am becoming a sociopath?
Posted: March 25th, 2012, 1:44 pm
Male, late twenties. Life is deviating from plan, in similar ways people have described. I'm optimistic, maybe unrealistically so.
I'm not depressed. In my early twenties I used to feel sad and lonely, to the point of nearly crying, but I'm well over it. I rarely get strong feelings of either happiness or sadness. No medication.
My issues are with intimacy and kindness. I haven't had a girlfriend since my teens. I'm not a "womanizer". I pend between idealising girls and being disgusted. All this is probably rooted in my relationship with my mother, who is likely some form of bipolar, and was mentally abusive (as I've realised). I was partly raised by my grandmother, faultless in my eyes.
As I've learned to see the patterns, and articulate these things, I've also learned to see other people as patchworks of fantasies they hope the world will believe in. As I become more honest with myself, it becomes more clear how dishonest others are, and this slowly feeds my calibration of what is appropriate to think. I censor myself, to the point of being overly polite, but I think it is mostly based in fear of rejection, which I am slowly losing. It is mostly awkwardness, not empathy, that prevents me from telling someone they're fat because they are lazy, or that I can see in your eyes that you have doubts about your true worth, and so on.
I have a strong capacity for empathy, but it is predicated on whether the "story" is honest. Most of my suffering in adolescence, I'm starting to see, was because I bought into other peoples ideas about who I should be, and who they were. Now you want me buy your fantasy about whatever? F* you. I know more about you than yourself.
I want to be kind, to have deep connections, to feel empathy, but I'm growing less and less curious about people.
Maybe this is not the right place, but it felt good to write. I hope to learn alot, and offer encouragement when I can.
(In case you think I sound retarded, english is not my first language.)
I'm not depressed. In my early twenties I used to feel sad and lonely, to the point of nearly crying, but I'm well over it. I rarely get strong feelings of either happiness or sadness. No medication.
My issues are with intimacy and kindness. I haven't had a girlfriend since my teens. I'm not a "womanizer". I pend between idealising girls and being disgusted. All this is probably rooted in my relationship with my mother, who is likely some form of bipolar, and was mentally abusive (as I've realised). I was partly raised by my grandmother, faultless in my eyes.
As I've learned to see the patterns, and articulate these things, I've also learned to see other people as patchworks of fantasies they hope the world will believe in. As I become more honest with myself, it becomes more clear how dishonest others are, and this slowly feeds my calibration of what is appropriate to think. I censor myself, to the point of being overly polite, but I think it is mostly based in fear of rejection, which I am slowly losing. It is mostly awkwardness, not empathy, that prevents me from telling someone they're fat because they are lazy, or that I can see in your eyes that you have doubts about your true worth, and so on.
I have a strong capacity for empathy, but it is predicated on whether the "story" is honest. Most of my suffering in adolescence, I'm starting to see, was because I bought into other peoples ideas about who I should be, and who they were. Now you want me buy your fantasy about whatever? F* you. I know more about you than yourself.
I want to be kind, to have deep connections, to feel empathy, but I'm growing less and less curious about people.
Maybe this is not the right place, but it felt good to write. I hope to learn alot, and offer encouragement when I can.
(In case you think I sound retarded, english is not my first language.)
