Greetings and Salutations!
Posted: April 2nd, 2012, 11:16 pm
Have you ever hugged a tree? Just wrapped your arms around a trunk and put your face in the bark and felt the strength and the solidity and the LIFE? I highly recommend it. The forest and the ocean give me strength when I think I cannot possibly go on for one more day. The birds and the insects focus my attention to the incomprehensible beauty that surrounds me everywhere, at all times.
I am a 36 year old woman, and I work as a park ranger naturalist in a big western national park. During the busy summer season, I do public education programs on trails and in campgrounds, sometimes for over 100 people. Sometimes I go to local schools, or welcome students to the park, for education programs about plants and animals. I also spend hours at a time in our busy visitor centers, answering questions about trails and roads and campgrounds and anything else that park visitors can ask. I help them all with a smile and a joke, and I go home drained and exhausted.
In the past few years, I have finally started to understand that the people around me see me in a much different way than I see myself. THEY see a kind, intelligent, funny, gentle, generous, loving woman. I volunteer in my community. I say yes whenever someone asks for help. I am a good friend, daughter, sister, aunt, and an all-around decent human being. What I see is a fat, ugly, nerdy weirdo who waxes poetic about bugs (bugs!!!!) and looks terrible in my uniform. When I wake up in the morning I just want to crawl back into bed and hide from the world, embarrassed and ashamed of the horribly ugly person I am, inside and out. When I get home from work, I am so totally spent, I often collapse on my couch and fall asleep. I spend all of my energy focusing on making it through the day--I have no concept of “the future.” I lay awake at night, worrying and crying and making up scenarios about how much people dislike me. I am so incredibly lonely, and I isolate myself because I fear people getting to know me. I’m afraid they will see the hateful ugliness that is constantly threatening to boil over.
I’ve been in therapy for a few years. It’s helping (I think), but veeeerrryyy slowly…. This pod cast has been a big help for me, because it reminds me that people CAN indeed overcome their demons. I’ve been doubting that a lot lately.
I am a 36 year old woman, and I work as a park ranger naturalist in a big western national park. During the busy summer season, I do public education programs on trails and in campgrounds, sometimes for over 100 people. Sometimes I go to local schools, or welcome students to the park, for education programs about plants and animals. I also spend hours at a time in our busy visitor centers, answering questions about trails and roads and campgrounds and anything else that park visitors can ask. I help them all with a smile and a joke, and I go home drained and exhausted.
In the past few years, I have finally started to understand that the people around me see me in a much different way than I see myself. THEY see a kind, intelligent, funny, gentle, generous, loving woman. I volunteer in my community. I say yes whenever someone asks for help. I am a good friend, daughter, sister, aunt, and an all-around decent human being. What I see is a fat, ugly, nerdy weirdo who waxes poetic about bugs (bugs!!!!) and looks terrible in my uniform. When I wake up in the morning I just want to crawl back into bed and hide from the world, embarrassed and ashamed of the horribly ugly person I am, inside and out. When I get home from work, I am so totally spent, I often collapse on my couch and fall asleep. I spend all of my energy focusing on making it through the day--I have no concept of “the future.” I lay awake at night, worrying and crying and making up scenarios about how much people dislike me. I am so incredibly lonely, and I isolate myself because I fear people getting to know me. I’m afraid they will see the hateful ugliness that is constantly threatening to boil over.
I’ve been in therapy for a few years. It’s helping (I think), but veeeerrryyy slowly…. This pod cast has been a big help for me, because it reminds me that people CAN indeed overcome their demons. I’ve been doubting that a lot lately.
