YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

Hiya. I'm Lady aka Bunny aka Foxy aka Hanna. Feel free to call me any of these names as people in real life call me all of them (a bit weird off the bat eh?).

I'm a 28 year old unemployed rare disease survivor. It was a rare tumor that had to be treated as a cancer (chemo, radiation, etc.) and it basically stopped my life in it's tracks. I was a strong, confident person finishing my bachelors degree when it struck and within a year after my tumor was gone (so 2006-2007) I was feeling trapped, severely depressed, given over to a severe panic disorder, showed strong signs of PTSD and completely lost the person I had been so proud of.

I spent a while dancing with antidepressants...not willing to accept that my existence (I mean being a survivor means you are grateful to be alive right?!) was only able to continue after taking a pill every day. I am currently on buproprion (sp?) and have been for over a year but I am thinking of going off it because when I get stressed it destroys my appetite. I had a rough patch from last Sept through January of this year and dropped about 5 pound every 2 weeks. Started getting worried when I was approaching my weight from high school (135 lbs and 5'9) and I love food so it was clearly blocking something. However, once I removed myself from the stress (literally...I'm writing this from my hostel in Europe where I have been since February) my appetite returned and my panic attacks which were raging hard core have stopped. So I'm not sure what my path is with these meds.

I take valium for my panic disorder. Nothing but valium works for me. It is a super rare day when I require more than 1 valium in a day though. To give you an idea...my prescription is for 3 a day every day but I take it as needed as I am not comfortable with medications and possible addictions.

I am pretty much an open book if anyone has any questions about things. I don't feel like drowning anyone in information they don't want or need.

Things I feel are important to know about me: Due to my illness, I cannot bear children which is a huge relief for me. I lead a bit of a double life where I am Bunny (not a schitzophrenic (sp?) way) who is a confident, secure burlesque dancer; why I cannot access this confidence as my normal self is baffling to me. I isolate myself severely from people my age as I have an old soul and have grown extremely old before my time, I just cannot relate with people that aren't older. The only parts of my identity (outside of Bunny) that I am truly proud of are the part of me that is a huge huge nerd and the part of me that would freely and easily give anything and everything I have to anyone who asks (yes this sets me up to be used but it is so important to me to be there for everyone).

So yeah...um...hi and cookies if you read this far.

Oh and my life's philosophy (what? people with master's degrees in cinema can't go long without dropping a movie quote)...

Justin Bond: "As my dear departed friend Lotus Weinstock used to say: "I used to wanna change the world. Now I just wanna leave the room with a little dignity." -Shortbus

Hello Bunny!!

Your story and how nicely it's written reveals a new member of the forum with a huge experience! As you must know, you're in great company.

Welcome to a world of human compassion that has many things to ponder for a better time of it! I hope/wonder that you will find a good measure of this!

Welcome, Lady aka Bunny aka Foxy aka Hanna!!!

Thank you kindly for the welcome. You can definitely say I've not only been round the block but also out around the entire neighborhood a few times. Glad to be around a few people who can relate to whatever level.

I'm already quite enjoying my time here and look forward to the future.

Oh, glad I'm not the only one who says random lines, lol

One of my favorites comes from the opera Dido & Aeneas - "Great minds against themselves conspire, and shun the cure they most desire....."



I like to delude myself into thinking I'm one of those "brilliant minds," HAHAHA


"and completely lost the person I had been so proud of...."

Same here, Lady, so much. I haven't endured a horrible life event like yours so I'm completely amazed that you've kept going....that in itself is a feat worth pride. That you haven't given up.

Funny thing being...when I was going to chemo and nearly dead from that experience or when I was just beyond nauseated for radiation or weeping b/c my stomach muscles were gone and it hurt like mad...in those moments I wanted to go on.

When it all stopped hurting and I was back in school and ready to go forward with my life...survivors guilt and other things crashed into me and I became very very encompassed in darkness. After about a year and a half of being tumor free I stopped eating without meaning to almost completely. There were days I stayed alive solely because I had a new dog and he had been neglected so I didn't want him to be hurt again.

Depression is a fucked up thing...it really is. No matter if you have a basis for it or not (no one needs a reason to have depression) it is just so life derailing if you let it. Thanks for the kind words...I'm working towards feeling like I am worthy of life every day. These days I'm at about 75-80% in terms of I'm worth it...hopefully that will increase with time.

Lady, Bunny, Hanna,

Glad you're here. I didn't know it was you when I read your reply to fifthsonata's post. Thanks for the heads up about the valium thing. Good to know some people can handle it and not get addicted.

Paul

It's like anything really. You have to make sure you use it for the prescribed purpose and not go over board. I used to have a bottle of liquid morphine as well...now that stuff terrified me (for two reasons...addictive qualities and it did feck all for my pain). I suppose being someone who has to be forced to take advil for a headache has served me well. Now my caffeine addiction is another thing. *LOL*


Glad to be here.