Tickling the anus of Satan
Posted: June 12th, 2012, 8:14 pm
Hi,
I am a 27 year old dude and feel very fortunate for finding this podcast. I was raised in an alcoholic home and had an alienating childhood and adolescence. I feel that I never made any connections with anyone since being a small child and I am not sure exactly how much it has to do with my upbringing. I have never been in a serious relationship and feel that I have no real sense of self. From adolescence up until the age of about 25 I was primarily driven by anger and was not aware of the negative energy and blame I was projecting on others. This was constant as a sober person. After learning to enjoy smoking pot at 25, which felt like a victory since any of the times I had tried it previously in school or whatever I was overwhelmed with panic and severe anxiety, I used it frequently for a few months until I noticed that I felt somewhat dependent on it to balance my mood. It felt like a relief because I promised myself I was going to go into some type of therapy again after a few previous unsuccessful attempts and it gave me reason to do so. I looked up MA listings and since there were none in my area, I decided to go to AA since it was advised that it would have the same benefits.
Going to meetings regularly, I felt an acceptance that gradually brought out my own honesty in hearing it through others. I don't know if it mattered that their focus was alcohol, but I drew a connection to the discontent and irritable feelings. I never had a problem with alcohol, but have abused drugs and am currently afraid about the adhd medication I am taking as prescribed. What I got out of the meetings brought out a transformation from selflessness and rage that has me trying to answer all of the questions that keep coming up about myself. I have not been able to relax and be at ease for most of my adult life, and yet what I am feeling now is still better than what I have had in the past.
What I am absolutely certain of is that I can't continue going on this way. I have a sense that things are going to get infinitely better or worse. That is what I choose, if I have a choice. I started getting panic attacks toward the end of highschool along with prolonged social anxiety for which psychiatrists were ineffective. In the process of this a lot of that has disappeared. There are times when I am present in the absolute sense. Other times if I am in a state fueled by ego I can sometimes recognize it and remind myself that I am the same as everybody else, or that I am just an asshole who hasn't found his truth yet. I feel that the methodology in AA that was helpful in getting others to break their habits triggered something in myself to not allow myself to waste anymore time. What I feel I need now is to take that energy to someone who knows something about recovery and surrender and let it transform.
Going to Alanon again after trying it briefly a couple years back, I made myself get a sponsor and feel like I can start making lasting connections with people. It seems like I will be balancing shame or guilt ridden feelings with a lot of anger once doors are opened. I think I have gotten a sense of the clarity that follows, however brief. I can't let myself stop now knowing the freedom that is just within reach.
I look forward to continue posting here and listening to the podcast. I would like to say Thank You to Paul for your honesty, awareness, and wonderful guests.
I am a 27 year old dude and feel very fortunate for finding this podcast. I was raised in an alcoholic home and had an alienating childhood and adolescence. I feel that I never made any connections with anyone since being a small child and I am not sure exactly how much it has to do with my upbringing. I have never been in a serious relationship and feel that I have no real sense of self. From adolescence up until the age of about 25 I was primarily driven by anger and was not aware of the negative energy and blame I was projecting on others. This was constant as a sober person. After learning to enjoy smoking pot at 25, which felt like a victory since any of the times I had tried it previously in school or whatever I was overwhelmed with panic and severe anxiety, I used it frequently for a few months until I noticed that I felt somewhat dependent on it to balance my mood. It felt like a relief because I promised myself I was going to go into some type of therapy again after a few previous unsuccessful attempts and it gave me reason to do so. I looked up MA listings and since there were none in my area, I decided to go to AA since it was advised that it would have the same benefits.
Going to meetings regularly, I felt an acceptance that gradually brought out my own honesty in hearing it through others. I don't know if it mattered that their focus was alcohol, but I drew a connection to the discontent and irritable feelings. I never had a problem with alcohol, but have abused drugs and am currently afraid about the adhd medication I am taking as prescribed. What I got out of the meetings brought out a transformation from selflessness and rage that has me trying to answer all of the questions that keep coming up about myself. I have not been able to relax and be at ease for most of my adult life, and yet what I am feeling now is still better than what I have had in the past.
What I am absolutely certain of is that I can't continue going on this way. I have a sense that things are going to get infinitely better or worse. That is what I choose, if I have a choice. I started getting panic attacks toward the end of highschool along with prolonged social anxiety for which psychiatrists were ineffective. In the process of this a lot of that has disappeared. There are times when I am present in the absolute sense. Other times if I am in a state fueled by ego I can sometimes recognize it and remind myself that I am the same as everybody else, or that I am just an asshole who hasn't found his truth yet. I feel that the methodology in AA that was helpful in getting others to break their habits triggered something in myself to not allow myself to waste anymore time. What I feel I need now is to take that energy to someone who knows something about recovery and surrender and let it transform.
Going to Alanon again after trying it briefly a couple years back, I made myself get a sponsor and feel like I can start making lasting connections with people. It seems like I will be balancing shame or guilt ridden feelings with a lot of anger once doors are opened. I think I have gotten a sense of the clarity that follows, however brief. I can't let myself stop now knowing the freedom that is just within reach.
I look forward to continue posting here and listening to the podcast. I would like to say Thank You to Paul for your honesty, awareness, and wonderful guests.