Hi everyone
Posted: July 21st, 2012, 10:36 pm
So, where to begin...
I'm a 30 years old born American living across the Atlantic. I heard of this podcast on Marc Maron's first, and right away thought it was a fantastic idea. In order to be a good cook I think it's important that you develop a love for the process. I'm a terrible cook, but I have that love for the process when it comes to surviving, and everything that has to do with it. It has served me well. Still, it's nice to see (or hear) someone else's head bob in and out of the deep blue sea at times, maybe someone else reaching for the sky.
I've had that before when dealing with some aspects and it was a big help. Other people who were going through similar things. Being understood makes a big difference. I've had my own struggles over the years, and almost all of them born out of just life experience. Those were the the easy ones, for myself in any case. Well, maybe not easy, but possible. I was just holding on through some phases, nothing else to do but hold on, but there was this idea that this was finite, that there was hope, and that was a big aid. I found it possible to outgrow a lot of baggage from my childhood, a severely messed up relationship that lasted way too long, and some other bits and pieces. PTSD, that wasn't so hard. Sex addiction, codependency, been there, done that, done with it.
And then there are some things where outgrowing or overcoming or resolving in some form just isn't an option that's available. Stuff your stuck with forever and the only option is to just deal with it. Manage. After 12 years of trying to fix it I've come to accept that some things there ain't no fix for. I don't think it's born out of experience anymore, since I've changed a lot as a person, but this issue has remained untouched by that. In my case, that's sexual sadism. Not really something that has a community. Too shameful to talk about, too scary for someone to hear, not really a problem. Pick a reason.
I remember this one time I was in a sexual abuse survivor group, which is what's closest to my own experience, and those that weren't stuck in an identity crisis of some sort were trying to process the past and trying to overcome patterns of behavior that would have them end up in abusive situations again if they didn't watch out. I was sitting there and feeling like a wolf sitting amongst lambs. Not really a place for me to connect, or work on what I found important. Hey fellow survivors, all these things that rip you screaming out of what little sleep you have? Your nightmares are making my mouth water. Anyone else deal with that? You can see how that might mess with someones safe space. As I saw it then, few people deal with the fear of the monster under the bed by becoming it. I'm not so sure that's really what happened anymore, but at the time, that's what I thought.
That's been my experience for a long time now. No place to connect when it comes to this aspect. A lot of sexual sadists that sort of have their stuff together end up in BDSM, but this also wasn't a group, or a set of ideas, that was open to someone trying to overcome what they have embraced, often in a dysfunctional manner with no regard for boundaries in my opinion, and sometimes after great struggles with acceptance and coming to terms of their own. Been there, done that, done with it. Sexual Sadism and boundaries, they just don't go hand in hand, and if for no other reason, I've come to like boundaries because I like people who are dependable. Someone you can lean on for a change. Try doing that with someone for whom you're a pillar, and see how that works out.
So, that's my mental health issue. My central conflict. There are therapies, but the treatment is not proportional to the problem, since I'm no actual danger to anyone. I scare the crap out of myself sometimes due to what resonates with me. I have to keep a close eye on my attraction to anyone. Am I attracted to this person because she's intelligent, kind, fun, whatever, or because I sense something about her that marks her as prey. The Sirens are constantly singing, but you get used to it. These are manageable things. I wish I wouldn't have to manage, it would make my life a lot easier, but whatcha gonna do. I don't have high hopes, but maybe, who knows, I'll come across someone here who has a relateable experience. If not, the mind, the puzzle, the struggle, it always make for a very interesting and sometimes entertaining topic, and with that, I think this introduction is done.
I'm a 30 years old born American living across the Atlantic. I heard of this podcast on Marc Maron's first, and right away thought it was a fantastic idea. In order to be a good cook I think it's important that you develop a love for the process. I'm a terrible cook, but I have that love for the process when it comes to surviving, and everything that has to do with it. It has served me well. Still, it's nice to see (or hear) someone else's head bob in and out of the deep blue sea at times, maybe someone else reaching for the sky.
I've had that before when dealing with some aspects and it was a big help. Other people who were going through similar things. Being understood makes a big difference. I've had my own struggles over the years, and almost all of them born out of just life experience. Those were the the easy ones, for myself in any case. Well, maybe not easy, but possible. I was just holding on through some phases, nothing else to do but hold on, but there was this idea that this was finite, that there was hope, and that was a big aid. I found it possible to outgrow a lot of baggage from my childhood, a severely messed up relationship that lasted way too long, and some other bits and pieces. PTSD, that wasn't so hard. Sex addiction, codependency, been there, done that, done with it.
And then there are some things where outgrowing or overcoming or resolving in some form just isn't an option that's available. Stuff your stuck with forever and the only option is to just deal with it. Manage. After 12 years of trying to fix it I've come to accept that some things there ain't no fix for. I don't think it's born out of experience anymore, since I've changed a lot as a person, but this issue has remained untouched by that. In my case, that's sexual sadism. Not really something that has a community. Too shameful to talk about, too scary for someone to hear, not really a problem. Pick a reason.
I remember this one time I was in a sexual abuse survivor group, which is what's closest to my own experience, and those that weren't stuck in an identity crisis of some sort were trying to process the past and trying to overcome patterns of behavior that would have them end up in abusive situations again if they didn't watch out. I was sitting there and feeling like a wolf sitting amongst lambs. Not really a place for me to connect, or work on what I found important. Hey fellow survivors, all these things that rip you screaming out of what little sleep you have? Your nightmares are making my mouth water. Anyone else deal with that? You can see how that might mess with someones safe space. As I saw it then, few people deal with the fear of the monster under the bed by becoming it. I'm not so sure that's really what happened anymore, but at the time, that's what I thought.
That's been my experience for a long time now. No place to connect when it comes to this aspect. A lot of sexual sadists that sort of have their stuff together end up in BDSM, but this also wasn't a group, or a set of ideas, that was open to someone trying to overcome what they have embraced, often in a dysfunctional manner with no regard for boundaries in my opinion, and sometimes after great struggles with acceptance and coming to terms of their own. Been there, done that, done with it. Sexual Sadism and boundaries, they just don't go hand in hand, and if for no other reason, I've come to like boundaries because I like people who are dependable. Someone you can lean on for a change. Try doing that with someone for whom you're a pillar, and see how that works out.
So, that's my mental health issue. My central conflict. There are therapies, but the treatment is not proportional to the problem, since I'm no actual danger to anyone. I scare the crap out of myself sometimes due to what resonates with me. I have to keep a close eye on my attraction to anyone. Am I attracted to this person because she's intelligent, kind, fun, whatever, or because I sense something about her that marks her as prey. The Sirens are constantly singing, but you get used to it. These are manageable things. I wish I wouldn't have to manage, it would make my life a lot easier, but whatcha gonna do. I don't have high hopes, but maybe, who knows, I'll come across someone here who has a relateable experience. If not, the mind, the puzzle, the struggle, it always make for a very interesting and sometimes entertaining topic, and with that, I think this introduction is done.
