Greetings from an Extroverted Social Anxietic
Posted: August 17th, 2012, 4:35 pm
Hey guys, I'm Vince. I'm not entirely sure where I should start in terms of describing myself (should I begin with an appetizer of neuroses, or is that a sizable enough dish to merit as a main course?). I'm 21, psychology and philosophy undergrad, loves talking about and deconstructing any kind of storytelling media, including movies, books, comics, all that kind of good stuff. I want to be a writer. I want to be one so badly I can feel it in my bones and can't imagine being happy doing anything else. I'm also terrified that I don't have what it takes, or won't take the right steps, or will otherwise fuck it up and lose out on the dream that I want. SO. FUCKING. BADLY.
I'm terrified that despite whatever accomplishments I have, creative projects I do on the side when I'm not in school, or whatever, that I am something that I despise with a level of bile and vitriol that eats me alive down in the pit of my stomach: average. That I'm just fooling myself into thinking that I have anything to say or write that has the power to make people feel something powerful or think in a different way. That me pouring every ounce of my heart and soul into a project I love wouldn't amount to the quality of the efforts of someone with ACTUAL talent on their laziest off-day.
I also feel disgusted with myself at my disdain FOR the average. I think: who the fuck am I? I'm just some dude who runs a podcast and does some scribbly writings. One of the millions of students to be saddled with debt once I finish school. I want to stand out from the crowd and create a legacy to leave behind when I'm gone, but at the same time feel this spite for myself at wanting to do so, like some corner of my consciousness spits back, "And just who the FUCK do you think you are to think you're better than anyone else? Just work your shitty, unfulfilling job day after day until you keel over like everyone else. There's no evidence to show you deserve any more than that."
Despite pouring tons of effort and energy into eating well, getting good night's rest, and exercising, I'm still the victim of the typical "geek" childhood. I still act like the chubby, awkward kid who can't look a girl in the eye even though to the outward appearance I am far and away from being that person. I still FEEL like that person though, like I would have to jump through thousands of hoops in approaching a woman to convince her that I'd be worth spending time with. Or an employer for thinking I'd be a worthwhile employee... and even then like it'd be this giant performance I was putting on. The numbers (which I track METICULOUSLY: I'm a geek and a gamer, it's how I keep myself motivated) tell me I'm making progress, but the mental patterns I've ingrained don't tell me the same.
I've just start going to counselling on my campus to help counteract the effects my ups, downs, and negative self-concept are having on my academics and ability to focus, and I hope that goes well. Also getting some blood work done to see if there are any obvious chemical imbalances that may have something to do with my... instability. I've been listening to the podcast since the early Spring of 2012, and it definitely helps to know there are others going through the same struggles I am. Hence why I'm joining here!
Here's to hoping the experience is a good one, conducive to growing and healing.
Cheers,
Vince
I'm terrified that despite whatever accomplishments I have, creative projects I do on the side when I'm not in school, or whatever, that I am something that I despise with a level of bile and vitriol that eats me alive down in the pit of my stomach: average. That I'm just fooling myself into thinking that I have anything to say or write that has the power to make people feel something powerful or think in a different way. That me pouring every ounce of my heart and soul into a project I love wouldn't amount to the quality of the efforts of someone with ACTUAL talent on their laziest off-day.
I also feel disgusted with myself at my disdain FOR the average. I think: who the fuck am I? I'm just some dude who runs a podcast and does some scribbly writings. One of the millions of students to be saddled with debt once I finish school. I want to stand out from the crowd and create a legacy to leave behind when I'm gone, but at the same time feel this spite for myself at wanting to do so, like some corner of my consciousness spits back, "And just who the FUCK do you think you are to think you're better than anyone else? Just work your shitty, unfulfilling job day after day until you keel over like everyone else. There's no evidence to show you deserve any more than that."
Despite pouring tons of effort and energy into eating well, getting good night's rest, and exercising, I'm still the victim of the typical "geek" childhood. I still act like the chubby, awkward kid who can't look a girl in the eye even though to the outward appearance I am far and away from being that person. I still FEEL like that person though, like I would have to jump through thousands of hoops in approaching a woman to convince her that I'd be worth spending time with. Or an employer for thinking I'd be a worthwhile employee... and even then like it'd be this giant performance I was putting on. The numbers (which I track METICULOUSLY: I'm a geek and a gamer, it's how I keep myself motivated) tell me I'm making progress, but the mental patterns I've ingrained don't tell me the same.
I've just start going to counselling on my campus to help counteract the effects my ups, downs, and negative self-concept are having on my academics and ability to focus, and I hope that goes well. Also getting some blood work done to see if there are any obvious chemical imbalances that may have something to do with my... instability. I've been listening to the podcast since the early Spring of 2012, and it definitely helps to know there are others going through the same struggles I am. Hence why I'm joining here!
Here's to hoping the experience is a good one, conducive to growing and healing.
Cheers,
Vince