31, Widowed Mom of 2 with One on the Way
Posted: August 22nd, 2012, 8:41 pm
Hello,
I'm a 31 year old mom of two who has suffered from severe depression for as long as I can remember.
My life was a continuous spew of drama from the time I was born up until about four years ago. I was born to a severely depressed mother and both my parents did drugs. My mother walked out the door when I was five and i was left to live with a father who sexually abused me. He re-married a witch when I was seven and they both beat me up until I was nine. My father then drove me to a small city about four away from our town and left me at a bus stop. He called my aunt and asked her to come get me. I never saw him again until my 18th birthday (thank god).
My mom died when I was 16 from a heart attack brought on by her lifestyle and smoking. I continued in her pattern and became an addict (of everything). I was addicted to drugs, alcohol, men, affection, excitement and just about anything I could get my hands on. I dated abusive men and the worse they were, the more I liked them. It was like I had a deathwish. I dropped out of school and started working full time when I was 17. Thankfully, I went back and finished school at a later date and never managed to get fired from a job (although I would show up hung over and late on a regular basis).
When I was 20 I met a guy who happened to be a drug dealer as well as a gang leader and boy was I happy. This was the worst of the worst, and i loved it. Needless to say, I got pregnant four months later and my son was born. This is when my life changed. I had always not cared about myself but then I realized I was responsible for the well being of this little soul. My husband went to jail and he was "inside" until my son was 2.5. I waited for him like a good "wife" and got pregnant with my daughter the day he was released. Four months later, I moved out in the middle of the night when I realized things weren't going to change in his life. I no longer did drugs and I was working a decent job. My life didn't make sense anymore to me and I felt like I lived a double life - good during the day at work and then going home to a drug dealer who went against everything I had grown to believe. It wasn't really my husband's fault as I knew what I was getting into but I didn't want to subject my kids to him anymore. I left and went to live in government housing. I gave up my house, cars and financial freedom to make my little family's life better.
About a month later my husband was murdered. Even though I had left him, I was completely crushed. I had to identify his bullet ridden body and go through grief with two young kids to raise. That was the lowest point of my life. I romantisized him and it took me a long time to realize he had brought on a lot of the darkness in his life. When I look back, i realize that my kids and I would have never been really able to get away from him as he always found us. He also suffered from depression.
I've gotten involved with a new good guy that I've known since high school and he is everything that I need. But I'm still suffering a lot from mind numbing depression. I'm also expecting my 3rd child who is due in December. I've never been able to keep up friendships and have secluded myself. I work full time and look after my kids but feel like I'm a hermit. I don't have a life outside my house anymore as I work from home. I take Effexor and go to therapy but still go through highs and lows.
Just now, I ended a friendship with someone that drained the life out of me, but I'm feeling awful about it. I told her that I couldn't handle her negativity anymore and I needed to walk away. But now I feel guilty like I did something wrong.
Sorry for the ranting. This ended up being a much longer post than I intended! I look forward to getting to know some of you! So happy I found this place.
I'm a 31 year old mom of two who has suffered from severe depression for as long as I can remember.
My life was a continuous spew of drama from the time I was born up until about four years ago. I was born to a severely depressed mother and both my parents did drugs. My mother walked out the door when I was five and i was left to live with a father who sexually abused me. He re-married a witch when I was seven and they both beat me up until I was nine. My father then drove me to a small city about four away from our town and left me at a bus stop. He called my aunt and asked her to come get me. I never saw him again until my 18th birthday (thank god).
My mom died when I was 16 from a heart attack brought on by her lifestyle and smoking. I continued in her pattern and became an addict (of everything). I was addicted to drugs, alcohol, men, affection, excitement and just about anything I could get my hands on. I dated abusive men and the worse they were, the more I liked them. It was like I had a deathwish. I dropped out of school and started working full time when I was 17. Thankfully, I went back and finished school at a later date and never managed to get fired from a job (although I would show up hung over and late on a regular basis).
When I was 20 I met a guy who happened to be a drug dealer as well as a gang leader and boy was I happy. This was the worst of the worst, and i loved it. Needless to say, I got pregnant four months later and my son was born. This is when my life changed. I had always not cared about myself but then I realized I was responsible for the well being of this little soul. My husband went to jail and he was "inside" until my son was 2.5. I waited for him like a good "wife" and got pregnant with my daughter the day he was released. Four months later, I moved out in the middle of the night when I realized things weren't going to change in his life. I no longer did drugs and I was working a decent job. My life didn't make sense anymore to me and I felt like I lived a double life - good during the day at work and then going home to a drug dealer who went against everything I had grown to believe. It wasn't really my husband's fault as I knew what I was getting into but I didn't want to subject my kids to him anymore. I left and went to live in government housing. I gave up my house, cars and financial freedom to make my little family's life better.
About a month later my husband was murdered. Even though I had left him, I was completely crushed. I had to identify his bullet ridden body and go through grief with two young kids to raise. That was the lowest point of my life. I romantisized him and it took me a long time to realize he had brought on a lot of the darkness in his life. When I look back, i realize that my kids and I would have never been really able to get away from him as he always found us. He also suffered from depression.
I've gotten involved with a new good guy that I've known since high school and he is everything that I need. But I'm still suffering a lot from mind numbing depression. I'm also expecting my 3rd child who is due in December. I've never been able to keep up friendships and have secluded myself. I work full time and look after my kids but feel like I'm a hermit. I don't have a life outside my house anymore as I work from home. I take Effexor and go to therapy but still go through highs and lows.
Just now, I ended a friendship with someone that drained the life out of me, but I'm feeling awful about it. I told her that I couldn't handle her negativity anymore and I needed to walk away. But now I feel guilty like I did something wrong.
Sorry for the ranting. This ended up being a much longer post than I intended! I look forward to getting to know some of you! So happy I found this place.
Continue to share, we all would love to hear your journey!