Time to ante up
Posted: August 28th, 2012, 2:18 pm
Hi all. Been reading boards here for a while and listening to the podcasts a lot. Have felt that I should intro myself but it's seemed too burdensome to do so--summing myself up is a scary task, and ... tend to be alternately a voyeur or an advice-giver and certainly am tempted to do strictly that stuff on here. That little bit right there, the inability to sit and write an intro yet wishing to be part of this community... I think that says a lot about me ,right-fucking-there (insertion of "fucking" like that is a tribute to Paul, whose voice now lives in my head--thanks Paul, guests, and boarders for your honesty and for taking the risks you have. Or maybe I don't appreciate you at all and am just trying to convince myself and everyone else that I'm solicitous and thankful. I am, I'm not--I honestly don't know).
All right, let's go, the hard facts; Male, mid-forties (I'd like to keep my exact age private--somehow feels a lot safer to leave that out. I don't want to lie at all here. I will omit, at most, and indicate when I do), single, in a long-term relat.; hetero in deed, bi in fantasy life. No drug or alcohol problems--if I can enjoy myself smoking weed or drinking w/friends etc, that's a very healthy sign in my case. My habits--eating, procrastinating, fantasizing, worrying, compulsively exercising, picking my nose, reading, listening to NPR, shallow interactions online, obsessing over work task or details of something else and thereby not looking at my life as a whole and where the fuck I'm going. And listening to podcasts of course. Keeping the world at a distance is what I feel that all adds up to, yet so eager for intimacy too--ride my bike on path where I interact a little bit w/other riders, bullshit w/co-workers etc., message to online Scrabble partners, banter with storekeepers. I need that contact. I need to belong. Yet my belonging is always predicated on who I present myself as. So the fear that I'm a shit-in-my-pants, crybaby, incompetent, unmasculine, potential-waster-with-life-essentially over... that stays hidden and remains the undefeated champ. Have unhealthy amounts of grandiosity that alternate with depressive thoughts in the form of fantasies etc. Now that I'm older and the fantasies are even less probable the oversupply of grandiosity is more and more apparent -- "I could've been" has generally replaced "I should be". That thought makes me want to kill myself. Grew up with a somewhat weak but loving and dependable father, and a moody, raging, sometimes abusive mother. Was a very conceited kid with behavioral problems, but could ace my schoolwork so I always got a pass.
Have been depressed for many years. Have taken many meds; current combo of antidepressants and ADHD meds seems to be a good mix. Through 20s and 30s was on disability much of time, worked sometimes, and didn't use those vital years to put together a career or much else. Have been drawn to radical politics, alternative medicine and other things in a way that tended to be consuming but temporary. Now finally stable money-wise in a fairly demanding job (in the mental health field, but administrative, not as a therapist.) I usually make friends by listening to other people's problems, being "incredibly understanding" and non-judgmental, etc. while revealing little about what I have trouble with. A "sensitive guy" I guess. Ugh--what a pussy. I will *seem* to reveal; I'll talk about being nervous or indecisive about this or that. But only if I know that it's safe. Only if I've heard other people discuss a particular fear, or know from books or magazines--or MIHH--that others share this fear and that it's therefore "OK" to have that fear. I am deathly afraid of ostracism and feel as if I can say or do something wrong that will have me banished in an instant in vague existential proportions, not even sure what I'm afraid will happen. Not completely open with my completely open girlfriend, see her infrequently, but increasing open with my therapist--MIHH has really helped. I think I'm actually becoming truly open, not just "seeming", at least with my therapist. And I'd be so ashamed of that difficulty had I not heard Dr. Zucker and others discuss how evasive many people are in therapy. Bottom line: life feels like this huge task that I'm nowhere near motivated or skillful enough to do well with.
All right, I did it--that actually suffices for an intro, doesn't it (too much, says voice in my head)? I'm out of gas. But now I can guiltlessly write elsewhere on this here forum. Yeah, another thing--"Glock therapy". I'm a bit ashamed of that. I'm not suicidal (that's what my little pun refers to), though I do not know how to fucking live and often console myself with *thought* of suicide as an alternative. It's just an unduly provocative name for a timid indecisive dude like me.
That's about it. Thanks.
All right, let's go, the hard facts; Male, mid-forties (I'd like to keep my exact age private--somehow feels a lot safer to leave that out. I don't want to lie at all here. I will omit, at most, and indicate when I do), single, in a long-term relat.; hetero in deed, bi in fantasy life. No drug or alcohol problems--if I can enjoy myself smoking weed or drinking w/friends etc, that's a very healthy sign in my case. My habits--eating, procrastinating, fantasizing, worrying, compulsively exercising, picking my nose, reading, listening to NPR, shallow interactions online, obsessing over work task or details of something else and thereby not looking at my life as a whole and where the fuck I'm going. And listening to podcasts of course. Keeping the world at a distance is what I feel that all adds up to, yet so eager for intimacy too--ride my bike on path where I interact a little bit w/other riders, bullshit w/co-workers etc., message to online Scrabble partners, banter with storekeepers. I need that contact. I need to belong. Yet my belonging is always predicated on who I present myself as. So the fear that I'm a shit-in-my-pants, crybaby, incompetent, unmasculine, potential-waster-with-life-essentially over... that stays hidden and remains the undefeated champ. Have unhealthy amounts of grandiosity that alternate with depressive thoughts in the form of fantasies etc. Now that I'm older and the fantasies are even less probable the oversupply of grandiosity is more and more apparent -- "I could've been" has generally replaced "I should be". That thought makes me want to kill myself. Grew up with a somewhat weak but loving and dependable father, and a moody, raging, sometimes abusive mother. Was a very conceited kid with behavioral problems, but could ace my schoolwork so I always got a pass.
Have been depressed for many years. Have taken many meds; current combo of antidepressants and ADHD meds seems to be a good mix. Through 20s and 30s was on disability much of time, worked sometimes, and didn't use those vital years to put together a career or much else. Have been drawn to radical politics, alternative medicine and other things in a way that tended to be consuming but temporary. Now finally stable money-wise in a fairly demanding job (in the mental health field, but administrative, not as a therapist.) I usually make friends by listening to other people's problems, being "incredibly understanding" and non-judgmental, etc. while revealing little about what I have trouble with. A "sensitive guy" I guess. Ugh--what a pussy. I will *seem* to reveal; I'll talk about being nervous or indecisive about this or that. But only if I know that it's safe. Only if I've heard other people discuss a particular fear, or know from books or magazines--or MIHH--that others share this fear and that it's therefore "OK" to have that fear. I am deathly afraid of ostracism and feel as if I can say or do something wrong that will have me banished in an instant in vague existential proportions, not even sure what I'm afraid will happen. Not completely open with my completely open girlfriend, see her infrequently, but increasing open with my therapist--MIHH has really helped. I think I'm actually becoming truly open, not just "seeming", at least with my therapist. And I'd be so ashamed of that difficulty had I not heard Dr. Zucker and others discuss how evasive many people are in therapy. Bottom line: life feels like this huge task that I'm nowhere near motivated or skillful enough to do well with.
All right, I did it--that actually suffices for an intro, doesn't it (too much, says voice in my head)? I'm out of gas. But now I can guiltlessly write elsewhere on this here forum. Yeah, another thing--"Glock therapy". I'm a bit ashamed of that. I'm not suicidal (that's what my little pun refers to), though I do not know how to fucking live and often console myself with *thought* of suicide as an alternative. It's just an unduly provocative name for a timid indecisive dude like me.
That's about it. Thanks.