I'VE GIVEN UP!
Posted: August 31st, 2012, 6:04 am
Hi Everybody,
I fuckin luv the Mental Illness Happy Hour. I'm almost 41, female (I can't even call myself a 'woman.' That just feels too weird since I'm developmentally delayed as far as womanhood goes, I think. Or the version of 'woman' normalized by this culture feels too weird. Anyway, something is off there.) and been tormented in one way or another pretty much my whole life. Anxiety & shyness and a child, booze and drugs and sluttiness as a teenager, depression, anxiety, eating disorder, cutting, mania and shit through my 20s and 30s. Here I am, half my life over, no longer able to hold onto the hope that I'll get at least a few good years out of my youth. Getting wrinkled and saggy, haven't had a real relationship probably EVER. I'm still waiting to get to a skinny enuf weight to start living my life. It won't happen and yet I cling to it for salvation, knowing that salvation lies in letting go. I found a bag of coke on the street the other day and spent a week chipping at that just to get me through. I live under a constant barrage of destructive forces and thoughts. And YET, I care less and less that I suffer so much. I ease the suffering of others and maybe that's my purpose here on earth if there's a such thing as purpose. I make lots of art and it seems like my audience consists of the people like me/us. Go look at my website and maybe you find some solace that there's someone just as fucked up as you layin it down and there are some funny little books, too, in the book section, that are all about the torture.
(I like this color option!)
I fuckin luv the Mental Illness Happy Hour. I'm almost 41, female (I can't even call myself a 'woman.' That just feels too weird since I'm developmentally delayed as far as womanhood goes, I think. Or the version of 'woman' normalized by this culture feels too weird. Anyway, something is off there.) and been tormented in one way or another pretty much my whole life. Anxiety & shyness and a child, booze and drugs and sluttiness as a teenager, depression, anxiety, eating disorder, cutting, mania and shit through my 20s and 30s. Here I am, half my life over, no longer able to hold onto the hope that I'll get at least a few good years out of my youth. Getting wrinkled and saggy, haven't had a real relationship probably EVER. I'm still waiting to get to a skinny enuf weight to start living my life. It won't happen and yet I cling to it for salvation, knowing that salvation lies in letting go. I found a bag of coke on the street the other day and spent a week chipping at that just to get me through. I live under a constant barrage of destructive forces and thoughts. And YET, I care less and less that I suffer so much. I ease the suffering of others and maybe that's my purpose here on earth if there's a such thing as purpose. I make lots of art and it seems like my audience consists of the people like me/us. Go look at my website and maybe you find some solace that there's someone just as fucked up as you layin it down and there are some funny little books, too, in the book section, that are all about the torture.
(I like this color option!)