YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

This podcast has often prompted me to think of my own shit. I have to pause it and talk myself through a vague feeling I'm having. Or talk myself through something in my past and try to make sense of it. I often end up bursting into an emotional fit listening because of how strongly i relate to a thing someone says. The show has waken me to the reality that I need to actively figure my shit out and try to get past it so I can face life unobstructed.

I have told close family members that I am morose for no reason, maybe depressed. Saying that that isn't normal - to be sad for no reason in particular - to them. My brother listens and very lovingly counsels me as best he can. My mother minimizes it and changes subjects, goes on tangents. She reminds me a lot sometimes of Paul's mother but not as bad. She never fucked around with sexual abuse or anything. My dad has been out of the picture since always. He is, I think, sociopathic and just can't seem to relate to people as more than tools to be manipulated while talking bullshit about love and forgiveness, while being a terminal drunk waste of space.

Some days, like today, I get through work and I just feel disconnected from everyone around me and tuned out. I get negative thoughts and just try to shut off or distract myself. Today I did some everyday-life-tedious shit (car registration, late again, didn't pay attention again, why do I have such a hard time with maintenence garbage minute shit?) and just tried to distract myself. I would distract myself with either that, get into a book, write something, or maybe run or compulsively masturbate or get stoned. All things I do to stay occupied from just thinking into the distance and spiralling, or stressing about $$$.

As a kid I escaped. Escapism. comics, toys (elaborate scenarios involving), books (Hobbit), drawing, VIDEO GAMES. Anything because I realized recently that I would just shut down when I couldn't handle shit. My brother and my mom would argue and fight constantly, and I would have to live in that. So I escaped into made up worlds. (When shit got too real with my most recent "relationship" and I knew it was almost over, I went to my friend's house, got suuuper high, and played Batman alllll day. The next day I realized that I escape a lot. Example.) Anyway, I think I'm getting better at that shit, cause I made my first student loan payment just on time. Haha.

I think this ties into a weird habit I have to self-sabotage, by inaction. I delayed my college graduation because I didn't advocate for myself and be proactive about my "grad checklist" or whatever. I just go ahead and don't ask for help, and when I fuck up I beat myself up HARD. I freak out about it and only sharing with someone helps. But if I do, for instance, ask for $ and help, I feel as though I'm a huge fuck-up because I've failed, even a little, in this economy, like many others, blah, blah. So I beat myself up a lot. I am critical of others but I save my harshest shit for me alone.

I think that's it for now. Hi. Haahah.

I want to add, if you couldn't tell by what I said about my Dad, I have anger. Not rage usually, but simmering, low-key depressive type anger. When I'm goign through a period of not working or something, I often wake up and go back to sleep for as long as I can. Or I will stare at the ceiling and get out of bed at the last minute, just tired as I begin the day. Unenthusiastic.

I often thank my lucky stars/count my blessings/etc. and I try to stay positive cause I don't think I have it so bad all things considered. So I am confused as to why I would be so resistant to get out of bed or just feel in a funk for no reason. The only thing that helps is a good conversation or exercise. Exercise is the go-to. I always feel amazing after that.

Anyway, some days I feel like an alien. I look at married people, people with kids, or whatever, and just stare at them like a scientist making a discovery of a new species. After my last weird, unhealthy, abusive, sexy, lustful, fucked relationship, I have taken to looking at women as distractions. Its cheesy, but I see myself as on a path, however inconsistently I walk it, that will lead me through life OK. I see women and relationships as shiny things off the path that will lead me astray. Trying to break habits of love/lust/whatever, you see? Told you it was cheesy. Trying not to engage in the same shitty romantic situations I have in the past. Trying to get my shit together.

I have constant sexual thoughts. I can't be around a semi-attractive female without thinking about coming on her face or aggressively fucking her in some fashion. I am OK with it but it also makes me feel like a pervert, which I fear translates into my "vibe", which I fear, in turn, influences people's perception of me. It's not that bad, but most of my sexual fantasies involve forcing an attractive co-worker/person I know into letting me fuck them in public. Sometimes it's about sex I've forced upon them. Nothing else too weird in that department any healthy man wouldn't be privy to.

As I said I am this close to calling up a therapist to start going to. I'm ready to, at the very least, take an active role in evolving myself. I am angry about my father, confused about why I don't self-advocate, why am I so perilously unenthusiastic, why can't I have 'drive', why do I masturbate too much and feel shame, why do I have social and borderline-agoraphobic thoughts, why am I scared of life, of being 'found out'?

Good to meet you.

Hello Wordsmith, welcome to the forum. I started getting serious my depression/anxiety/Aspergers and started professional therapy and medication at the age of 25. I am 41 now, and I just finished up a 3rd round of professional therapy. I have found it to be difficult but indispensable, because I can no longer tolerate the drifting that I subjected myself to prior to getting help.
All the best, take care, we here are all cheering for you and your greatest today and tomorrow!

Wordsmith, your name is apt, you're an awesome writer. I self-sabotage by inaction too, really badly, why do we do that?? I'm 6 months overdue to renew my license right now, which wouldn't surprise anyone who knows me IRL at all because it is just SO typical of me.

Just my two cents, but hellyeah give therapy a try. I do the escapism thing too (same stuff as you, we'd make great co-enablers: pot, video games, books, drawing), but I think that eventually either the escapism stops working, or it KEEPS working and you never really learn to connect to other people. Therapy can be really hard, there's a reason why we escape, our brains don't want to put us through the trauma of working through our shit -- but the alternative is ultimately much worse.

Also, more often than not, therapy is AWESOME! Seriously! It can be incredibly validating, and you'll learn how to process/cope with those days where you feel disconnected and tuned out. Give it a shot!