YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

“Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.”

Longtime lurker here... but I feel like I'm gonna lose my shit today, I'm hoping a little venting will help, maybe someone out there can even relate?

I was an awkward kid, very shy, bullied a lot and, being a non-confrontational people pleaser, I never, ever stood up for myself. I left my hometown (and all those asshole bullies) as soon as I graduated high school and moved to New York City, where I got into art school, met a bunch of other arty weirdos, and generally had an awesome time for 10 years... then I moved to Detroit. I'd just gotten out of a long relationship and was feeling emboldened by the change. I wanted to try something completely new, not move-to-Portland new like everyone else, no -- I wanted to move to Detroit. "I'll be around REAL people," I thought, "It'll be like NYC in the 70s! Gritty! Raw! Real integrity! Inspiration!" I romanticized it, like I do with everything.

That was 5 years ago, and I feel utterly fucking traumatized by this city. I never identified as depressed or anxious before moving here, now it's practically how I introduce myself. About a year in, I met my boyfriend -- a truly wonderful dude, but a born-and-bred Detroiter with no inclination to move, especially not to NYC, which, like most Detroiters, he views as being frou-frou and phony and full of rich jerks.

I've gone from being a fun, social butterfly to a depressed recluse. Detroiters are bullies, ceaseless ball-busters, and it feels like every time I go out, I inevitably run into someone who, without knowing me at all, wants to kick my ass. Whatever made me a target to my high school bullies must be oozing out in full force here, because I am constantly confronted by total strangers who openly mock or threaten me. I still haven't gotten any better at standing up for myself, by the way.

The loneliness is the hardest part. 5 years in and I've yet to meet anyone with whom I can have a really good conversation. I used to try really hard to make friends, but these days I mostly just isolate. Why should I go out, when the last 30 times I've gone out have been anxiety inducing asshole-a-thons?

So, yeah. I'm perpetually lonely and terrified of going out and making friends. It's awesome. Anyone else feel like a square peg in a city of round bullet holes?

Hi Mary Kate - (love the handle)

First of all - that quote from (I think) Bruce Sterling really pisses me off. Oh really, so if I just move to another town I'll stop having these suicidal thoughts that have been running through my head since I can remember??

That being said - while not exactly the same as you - I live in a town full of hyper-successful bond traders, private equity investors, mutual fund managers, etc etc. I have nothing in common with most of the adult men in my town - they are (really) the same guys who brought the economy down in 2008 and are still making millions. And I'm just a lowly freelance marketing consultant with crippling depression.

Of course I feel pathetic by comparison - and I can only imagine how it seems to my wife. Scratch that - I don't even want to think about it.

At parties I find I'm either hiding in the kitchen or chain smoking out on the driveway. I really have nothing to say to most of my neighbors and for the most part I feel like a non-entity. My wife, of course, is completely at ease in any social situation and is really getting tired of my clamming up and hovering by the doorway.

So yeah, I get the completely out of place feeling. I'm stuck here with a mortgage and three kids in school. It sounds like you aren't. Maybe a move is in order.

Meh, I was brought up in a town like the one you describe... disturbingly wealthy bedroom community in Connecticut, real Stepford Wife territory. I know it sucks... but I can also tell you that just about every kid I knew in that town grew up up virtually fatherless, all those hyper-successful bond traders, private equity investors etc leaving for work at 5am, returning home well after dark. And yeah, they are really the same guys who brought down the economy in 08... not to mention the same sort of stock America (usually) plucks its presidents from... really just the very worst people of all. I know it doesn't help the loneliness/isolation thing, but maybe there is solace in the fact that you're NOT one of them?

I live right down the road from New Canaan CT - where they really did film The Stepford Wives. How ironic.

Yep - Except for the money part, I don't feel any jealousy for these folks. You're right about fatherless (and motherless) kids.

I just feel so out of place here. It's a beautiful spot to live in if it weren't for the people.

I'm another one who relocated from a vibrant east coast city to the Rust Belt, and I feel your pain. I haven't felt like I belong somewhere in a long time, but even worse, I feel like I was forcibly ripped from the situations and places where I felt comfortable/accepted and ended up where I am because I had no option. I know that's not really 100% true, but it feels like that sometimes.

Good luck, and thanks for coming on here. I feel like we have some stuff in common, and that always makes things suck a little tiny bit less.