Dark Times on the Graveyard Shift
Posted: November 3rd, 2012, 2:31 pm
I tend to march to the beat of my own drummer. I'm 29.I have been on and off medication since 2009 when I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and Social Anxiety. I am back on medication. I am also in therapy and attend a support group.
I am finding it hard to be alone lately and it is hard to keep my thoughts positive when I am by myself. My mood gets better when my husband is home from work. I feel like I am relying on him too much to lift my spirits, however, he is extremely supportive. I am thankful for this. He has stuck with me since my diagnosis and I am confident he will still stick with me through the bad times.
Through the summer and just recently I was a basket case, couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, couldn't work. I am currently on a leave of absence from work to get healthy again. I have read a lot of posts here, and I see how many are unemployed. It must be hard for folks to have to worry about this. I am very empathetic , and feel for each and every one here in this community board.
A lot of my identity has been devoted to work. I am trying to fix this and am working on finding new friends. I feel like I am eager to make personal connections. I would go to my family for support, but, my brother and mom are pretty heavy drinkers and extremely narcissistic. My father is not all there emotionally. He is very funny guy, life of the party type, and does not like conflict.
I realize that I am extremely critical of people, and this may contribute to my anxiety around people. I am working on changing my view of the world, and am trying to find compassion for myself. Some days are hard, but the good news is, I am being as proactive as I can to help myself.
I work for a company right now that is run by a very large corporation. I am in a labor union that has solidified my seniority, and that gives me job security. I feel bad for bitching about my job to others. My gut is telling me that I am being selfish and rubbing it in. But, my job prevents me from being around the waking world, so I feel like a lot of my personal problems have been the result of my job.
I also have some childhood trauma that is pretty dark that I am revealing to my therapist. It is a slow process, because, it is hard for me to talk about my family in a negative manner. I am grateful for all of the good things my family has done for me, but the love my family gives me is conditional, instead of unconditional.
I am stuck in a graveyard position and have been for 7 years. Before I took my leave of absence, I tried to convince my boss that I was worth moving to a day position. I feel like with 7 years of service I have earned it. Not to mention, I hear time and time again, that I am one of the best workers on the graveyard crew.
My boss kept telling me that there were no positions available during the day. However, I applied internally for a couple day positions that had been posted. I was not interviewed for them. This crushed me. I thought for sure I would be given interviews, because the company policy is to interview current employees first. However, both these positions were filled from people off the street. This broke my heart. I toughed it out all these years to get to my current pay and experience, in the hopes that in the future, I would find a better position.
For my employer it is hard to find good graveyard employees. I have seen so many come and go over the years. The turn over is huge. But, the shift has become too difficult for me. Its not easy to have a life. It is also hard for me to sleep during the day. I could do it for the first couple of years on the shift, but over the years, my body is starting to react to it.
I made it very clear to my boss ( in very respectful and professional manner) that I wasn't feeling well and I needed to work during the day. I could feel all of the awful symptoms of my mental illness slowly come back, and with a vengeance! People with depression know, it is like a dark cloud that follows you everywhere.
My suicidal ideation was going on for about 3 months. So, it started in the summer and continued through September. It was very real and I felt like I was being traumatized all over again.
Who knows, I could have been feeling suicidal for a number of reasons...not just family and work...but they were two contributors.
I am not suicidal anymore because the meds have kicked in and I am finding support. Things are looking up.
It still hurts because I feel like I have earned the right to be able to work during the day! And, I want my family to understand me, but I know this is unrealistic.
By no means am I trying to make people feel bad here. I am very lucky to have employment. I am very happy that I have a wonderful supportive husband. It is still hard to find the right solutions.
I just have to work a little harder at making connections with people, because there are not a lot of people out there, who are on the same sleep-wake cycle. It is a very small pool.
My life has improved since I have been on my leave of absence...I am preparing to go back to work. I am scared I'm going to lose it again...but I have a great doctor and therapist to help me out.
I really like my support group, but it is once a week, and I just started going. I was told to take baby steps by the moderator, and I guess this could apply to people. I am grateful for employment and that I have medical insurance when many don't. I know that my problems are solvable. I also want to be able to sleep at night ! I guess beggars can't be choosers...Right?
I am finding it hard to be alone lately and it is hard to keep my thoughts positive when I am by myself. My mood gets better when my husband is home from work. I feel like I am relying on him too much to lift my spirits, however, he is extremely supportive. I am thankful for this. He has stuck with me since my diagnosis and I am confident he will still stick with me through the bad times.
Through the summer and just recently I was a basket case, couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, couldn't work. I am currently on a leave of absence from work to get healthy again. I have read a lot of posts here, and I see how many are unemployed. It must be hard for folks to have to worry about this. I am very empathetic , and feel for each and every one here in this community board.
A lot of my identity has been devoted to work. I am trying to fix this and am working on finding new friends. I feel like I am eager to make personal connections. I would go to my family for support, but, my brother and mom are pretty heavy drinkers and extremely narcissistic. My father is not all there emotionally. He is very funny guy, life of the party type, and does not like conflict.
I realize that I am extremely critical of people, and this may contribute to my anxiety around people. I am working on changing my view of the world, and am trying to find compassion for myself. Some days are hard, but the good news is, I am being as proactive as I can to help myself.
I work for a company right now that is run by a very large corporation. I am in a labor union that has solidified my seniority, and that gives me job security. I feel bad for bitching about my job to others. My gut is telling me that I am being selfish and rubbing it in. But, my job prevents me from being around the waking world, so I feel like a lot of my personal problems have been the result of my job.
I also have some childhood trauma that is pretty dark that I am revealing to my therapist. It is a slow process, because, it is hard for me to talk about my family in a negative manner. I am grateful for all of the good things my family has done for me, but the love my family gives me is conditional, instead of unconditional.
I am stuck in a graveyard position and have been for 7 years. Before I took my leave of absence, I tried to convince my boss that I was worth moving to a day position. I feel like with 7 years of service I have earned it. Not to mention, I hear time and time again, that I am one of the best workers on the graveyard crew.
My boss kept telling me that there were no positions available during the day. However, I applied internally for a couple day positions that had been posted. I was not interviewed for them. This crushed me. I thought for sure I would be given interviews, because the company policy is to interview current employees first. However, both these positions were filled from people off the street. This broke my heart. I toughed it out all these years to get to my current pay and experience, in the hopes that in the future, I would find a better position.
For my employer it is hard to find good graveyard employees. I have seen so many come and go over the years. The turn over is huge. But, the shift has become too difficult for me. Its not easy to have a life. It is also hard for me to sleep during the day. I could do it for the first couple of years on the shift, but over the years, my body is starting to react to it.
I made it very clear to my boss ( in very respectful and professional manner) that I wasn't feeling well and I needed to work during the day. I could feel all of the awful symptoms of my mental illness slowly come back, and with a vengeance! People with depression know, it is like a dark cloud that follows you everywhere.
My suicidal ideation was going on for about 3 months. So, it started in the summer and continued through September. It was very real and I felt like I was being traumatized all over again.
Who knows, I could have been feeling suicidal for a number of reasons...not just family and work...but they were two contributors.
I am not suicidal anymore because the meds have kicked in and I am finding support. Things are looking up.
It still hurts because I feel like I have earned the right to be able to work during the day! And, I want my family to understand me, but I know this is unrealistic.
By no means am I trying to make people feel bad here. I am very lucky to have employment. I am very happy that I have a wonderful supportive husband. It is still hard to find the right solutions.
I just have to work a little harder at making connections with people, because there are not a lot of people out there, who are on the same sleep-wake cycle. It is a very small pool.
My life has improved since I have been on my leave of absence...I am preparing to go back to work. I am scared I'm going to lose it again...but I have a great doctor and therapist to help me out.
I really like my support group, but it is once a week, and I just started going. I was told to take baby steps by the moderator, and I guess this could apply to people. I am grateful for employment and that I have medical insurance when many don't. I know that my problems are solvable. I also want to be able to sleep at night ! I guess beggars can't be choosers...Right?