On my way

[sandy,like the beach]

Well, I'm a 43 yr old woman who has PTSD. I self medicate because I've been put on Ativan, Prozac, Zoloft, Lithium and others I've long forgotten, to no end. And by that list, you can tell that the doctors had NO IDEA on how or what they were treating. I decided I'd be better off on my own, they wanted to treat symptoms - not look at what was causing them.
What I realized over the next two decades is that I didn't need any of those meds, I needed truth.
The stress and anxiety that they put me on Ativan for was because I didn't understand why I couldn't physically hold/ love my infant son.
The depression they tried Prozac and Zoloft for was because I was legitimately overwhelmed.
The Lithium they put me on was for the mood swings and because they felt my dad was symptomatic. WHAT?!?!
After much work, I know why the symptoms were there and how they became issues. I finally was able to remember what had happened in my childhood. I remembered that at 4 yrs old, I had, out loud, said to myself,"I can't deal with this right now, it'll have to wait." I had no idea what that meant or what it would entail, I just couldn't wrap my head around what had happened. And because it kept happening, I started the compartmentalization. It saved me when I was very young but made it tricky to put it all back together again.
I am thankful to the Universe for my intuition and fortitude. I am grateful beyond measure for my sons, without whom, I don't know if I would have found the strength to work through it all. I am also deathly afraid of them not being able to forgive me (for working through it while also trying to and learning how to parent) when they get old enough to realize how much I have damaged their psyches. My husband, while not knowing the full scope of my experiences, deals with the ramifications on a daily basis (whether for the good or the bad.) He has done everything he can to let me get though it in my own way, and for that, I will wipe his ass when he gets old.
I have used and abused different substances over my life. I don't beat myself up over that, it was a necessary evil - and by the Grace of God, no harm done.
Abusing Ritalin was what released a small memory; the light in the room was enveloped by a black spiral, leaving only a pinpoint of light and uncontrollable shaking. From that moment on, I've got dribbles, flashes of images that my now adult brain had to make sense of - cope with and come to terms with. It has been a journey that is my life's story. I am saddened by that.
I don't think it is a coincidence that I stumbled upon Paul's podcast at exactly the time I was supposed to.
What I know now, that I didn't know when I had my sons, is that I had every reason to panic when I couldn't soothe a colicky baby. That I had just cause to be overwhelmed. That my moods were manifestations of the chasm between what was and what I thought it should be.
My drug of choice is weed. It allowed me the space to think before I reacted. Instinct told me that I COULD NOT just repeat the patterns handed down by my parents, all of the pharmaceuticals did nothing to slow that instant reaction, in fact some of them just clouded things up - that wasn't going to help. I still smoke to relax at night -enough that my mind will quiet and I can sleep. I don't drink. Due to some ongoing tendon issues and migraines, I take 2 vicodin a day, 8 hours apart (which is light years from the 30 a day I used to take!)
I considered myself an addictive type for the majority of my life, but am now rethinking it. I weaned myself down from 30+ vicodin a day to 2. After smoking for 25 years, I quit. I am prone to sugary treats, which I believe is my last battle - my fear is that diabetes will be what makes me finally have to quit sugar.
I'm here because, even after 20 years of figuring out the details, I am left with nothing to show for it...I'm hoping that listening to and reading others' stories, may lend a perspective on how to move forward from the broken to the fixed and if I can, help others with what I've learned and learn from what others have experienced.
Is it an ongoing process? Are we ever well?

[Stina]

Hi Sandy,

After reading your post and seeing this at the end:

I'm here because, even after 20 years of figuring out the details, I am left with nothing to show for it...

I have to say you have EVERYTHING to show for it. Your life, your sons, your understanding of yourself... Kudos to you.