YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

Hi, I'm Rebecca. I discovered the podcast last week actually and have been losing myself in listening to it when I desperately need a distraction from unwanted thoughts (which is pretty much all the time).

I have struggled with depression since I was 9, and started cutting when I was 14. I became addicted to cutting and burning, and throughout high school I did it every day and night, leaving no place unscarred. I still burn myself with cigarettes pretty frequently, and the only thing that keeps me from cutting is my boyfriend's threat of leaving me if I do it. (That just makes me resent him, and I want to do it more.)

My diagnonsense in high school was Borderline Personality Disorder. I have received that diagnosis from three or four different psychiatrists. I am still to this day resistent to this diagnosis; I think I may have some of the traits, but everything I read about BPD is just like one case study that encompasses all of those who have it. Like "we're" all exactly the same.

At eighteen, I slit my wrists and had to get 12 stitches. I was put on Effexor. I completely don't remember being on it; I do know however that it made me gain 40 lbs, get cystic acne, make terrible and very dramatic life changes... and then all the cuticles of my fingernails fell out, and that was it. I decided to quit the medication. The psychiatrist who prescribed it to me ARGUED with me and it wasn't the medication doing this to me, that I was making myself fat and I should take better care of my appearance, etc. He also didn't warn me of the horrendous withdrawl that had me sick on the couch for 2 weeks.

Part of my bad decision making was I met a man on Hot or Not.com and we were married within 5 months. I knew he was an alcoholic, and the fact that he threatened to kill himself if I wouldn't date him should have thrown up some major red flags. But long story short: I lost my virginity to him (which was a painful and shameful experience), I wasn't even in love with him but I thought marriage was my ticket into the adult world sans-college, and before the wedding we started having fights that would turn physical. Over the three years I actually resided with him, I was physically abused, and I was abusive to him. It was a terrible mix. Our marriage date was 7/1/05 and I finally got out in December of 2008.

This is getting too long.

Fast forward to this year.
This summer I chose to be homeless. It only lasted a short time. I was camping with a guy (who is now my boyfriend). I didn't tell my work, I just kept showing up as normal. I'd shower in this gym nearby. It sounds absolutely insane, but I felt like I had just gone from being blind to having sight. I was so happy. I was getting tons of sun and exercise and was busy all the time. I was meeting other homeless people, the good and the bad, and my boyfriend was doing all kinds of volunteer work in the community (no, it wasn't court ordered). We were both doing so well; we had a plan, by the end of July we were set to get an apartment and our involvement with the community was probably the most therapeutic thing I have ever had in my life.

You know the episode on the podcast where Paul is interviewing Kerri Kenney-Silver, and in her list of fears she includes "being arrested for a crime I did not commit", and she and Paul sort of laugh and make a joke about shoplifting?

Well, let me tell you, "being arrested for a crime I did not commit" happened to me. In mid-July, my entire world split in half. Nothing, NOTHING, will ever be the same. The situation was bizarre, and I don't even feel at this very moment like I have the strength or the trust to tell you my story yet. But we were both arrested while walking down Main street that day. It was like... the beauty of nature, freedom, excitement for life, new-found love, productivity, positivity, and then-- SLICE. The guillotine fell. Now it was shock, confusion, terror, shackles, cuffs, court, shocking allegations, media, mugshots, isolation unit in a maximum security prison, inmates whispering threats through the vents of my cell, being cut off of my medications and going through withdrawl in the cell and no one caring at all or helping me in any way...

It's now November. Most of the charges have been dropped as the allegations have been (slowly) investigated and there's no evidence of a crime being committed at all. Slowly, slowly, slowly, the truth is peeking out light a ray of sunshine behind the clouds... but I fear that the PTSD and extreme depression I am now experiencing are solidifying the "I'm never going to get over it" mentality... and I've almost completely lost the desire to live, to wait for that glorious day when the entire case is dropped (which could be as soon as December, or it could be dragged out for another year).

I have never known a depression this deep. I have never been so afraid of the world. My entire perspective has changed. I no longer believe anything or anyone is safe. I believe that everyone I see when I am in public knows who I am and wants to kill me. I see the faces of those who tried to prosecute me super-imposed over the faces of others while in public, too. Every where I go, I see something that triggers me. I depersonalize. My eyes stay open but I cannot hear or understand what people are saying to me. I can stand staring at a spot on the floor for an hour, motionless, just seeing the EVENT playing, re-playing, rewinding, fast-forwarding... sometimes I cry and scream and can reach out for someone to pull me out of it. Most times I just freeze and let it play out. Breathing through it? Well, what other choice do I have?

That's all for now; I'm starting to cry. It's too early in the day to succumb to tears.

Hello iamjunkshit, welcome to the forum.

I read your whole post and I honor your pain. You did not deserve the suffering you have undergone.

I am incompetent to offer any advice.

Please take care. We here are all cheering for your greatest today and tomorrow.

Hey iamtheshit (allow me to make a slight amendment to your name),

So it was this arrest that changed everything? Cos it sounds like you had a great thing going there with the community and all? And that is what has brought you down into this deep depression? I guess it was a combination of the awful arrest experience and losing the community life you were building.

It sounds like you need to deal with the demons that have been left with you since your traumatic experience. Once you have surpassed that, you might even be able to find yourself back in that sort of community life. You weren't guilty and now you're free, that's a bonus! I know, America is a fucked up place, and shit happens, but at least you got through it. And every day you're holding on to those grudges, that darkness, all the blame, that's another day you let that take over your life. It's a choice you have to make. "I can get through this!" I know, when you're deeply depressed and prone to such dark moods anyway, it seems hopeless, futile, pointless and waaay too much effort. But trust me, at one point in my life I was ordering heavy academic books about how to prevent oneself from committing suicide, and since then I've travelled the world twice and found my dream career. It will happen for you too! You just gotta hang in there. One day you'll be able to see what good came out of this, and believe it or you, you could possibly be grateful for all this shit, because it will one day lead to something beautiful. And that could be just around the corner, or a few months away, it doesn't matter -- what matters is that you can know inside you that things will get better, and then take it from there. Energy follows thought: YOU ALWAYS GET MORE OF WHAT YOU FOCUS ON. If you find yourself focusing too much on the negatives of your life, start challenging yourself in a playful way how you can turn that around. Or perhaps channel it into something productive? Whatever suits you.

And when it comes to dealing with the demons. The best advice I can give you is that you sit down by yourself, peace and quiet, and you say to yourself, "I am ready to face those demons, they don't scare me anymore". But then you say that, make sure you actually say it from a place of confidence and hope, as opposed to anger or fear. Then sit there for a long time by yourself and really allow yourself to feel whatever comes up. Just let that rage and sadness out (not by cutting though) -- scream, cry, hit the walls, throw some pillows around....and when you're all empty and tired, put on some funny youtube videos of slow loris getting tickled or something. When your consciousness is so mashed from all that letting go of rage, immediately fill it with something jolly, colourful and funny.

It could also help to know that those dicks that arrested you were probably just doing it on the order of some dumbass upstairs who had no clue, and if they were mean or abusive to you, it's probably because they, themselves, are lost souls who have seen to much bad shit in their lives. Compassion softens the soul.

Then start focusing on what you want out of life. It's really simple -- the only person stopping you is yourself.

Best of luck!
Tangerine xxx

Thank you, for your replies.

Tangerine, I like your idea about facing the demons in a safer sort of way.