YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

...for me to get on this forum and say hello.

I'm a Swedish-gone-Londoner, 27 years of age, and I discovered the Mental Pod this summer when I was doing a particularly painful secretary gig at some media law firm in one of the poshest parts of London. I'd down at least three episodes a day, on the train to work, in the shredding room when I was unclipping and destroying endless piles of pointless paperwork, and on my lunch breaks that I would spend down by the Thames chucking bread at the ducks but eventually getting sick of the seagull bullies who got all the goodies with their violent ways. Poor ducks. And I'd feel super awkward around all the rich folks hanging about.

So, I grew up in the Swedish countryside, faaar away from the world, number 4 of 8 kids. My family was pretty messed up, but I'm not that fucked up, I guess. (Heh, I like how that's almost a shameful thing here, not being fucked up enough.) (I would be had I stayed in Sweden though, for sure!) I've been through some crap and learnt some shit and now I'm pretty OK. Very up and down though. And one thing I'm finding hard to come to terms with is the fact that I intend to work as an energy healer, and it's going pretty well, I've just been certified and my website is up and I'm seeing lots of (so far non-paying) clients... but then at night when the healing work is done, I can just flip and I never know what's coming. I could go for an emergency run down the petrol station to get beers/wine/vodka/reduced bakery items in a sudden bout of needing something, anything, or I can curl up into a restless little ball and cry and wonder why, or I can get a sudden burst of nostalgia for my younger days when I was always out and about, meeting friends, drinking and laughing, and I'll dress up and fluff up my hair and desperately wish I had some friends in the area (London can be a very lonely place), and then go for a walk hoping to run into something fun and magical, like how it used to be, only to realise things aren't the same and I'll settle for a reduced doughnut and a bottle of red in front of the telly. And I think to myself, my healing is going well, but I feel like kind of a phoney. But I'm mostly an optimist at heart and so I choose to see that all that weird shit I do and go through is entirely normal and helps me grow.

Other than that there are of course family issues, mild OCD and general borderline crap, but nothing serious It's funny innit, life, really.

So yeah, that's me. Now I'm just gonna browse the forum and have a good time.

Love to all and a pleasure to meet you,
Tangerine x

Welcome the the boards Tangerine, nice to meet you! I'm pretty new too, and I really relate to your description of restless wandering and buying random little crap because I feel like things should be more interesting or something. My college years may have been partly filled with depression and terrible life skills, but at least I always had something to do with friends and other interesting people.
We'll get through it, and find something else to fill that gap in our lives.

AC

Hi Tangerine! I can relate to being a foreigner in the UK (American). I'm up in Milton Keynes, though. How long have you been over here? I just hit 3 years back in October. (The first 6 months were probably the worst ever.)

Seriously, the reduced price baked goods here are an evil thing. Kind of thankful I no longer live right next to a Co-op anymore or else I would just be a giant maple pecan plait. Also being optimistic... it's a weird thing being depressed and optimistic, isn't it? I always used to say I was a short term pessimist but a long term optimist... kind of like "everything is horrible and going wrong and miserable but it all works out okay in the end I guess but right now is awful" etc.

Hey nice to meet you both.

@Driftwood: I guess that's we're all doing, right, just filling the gaps of our lives? I mean, where the hell are we, and what's the point, and what are we meant to do??? That's the frustraring and interesting bit. So we find careers, stock shares, families, pharmaceuticals and illegal substances, politicals campaign passions, mindless sex............ Who knows what it is we're all looking for? I think we're searching for the action of searching. Without curiosity, drive and action, everything comes to a halt...

My own humble opinion is that we're here to learn, grow, and have a whole bunch of fun!

@stephoodle - why Milton Keynes? Must have been a career thing, huh? I've been here 8 years minus a while of travelling, so I'm fairly settled but the city keeps changing and so do I, it's hard to keep up. Just hoping I can make some new interesting friends soon cos my old crew has been drifting for years now. I imagine Milton Keynes is terribly lonely for an outsider! But yeah, longterm optimism ftw, I think it could actually be called just optimism. It's a great gift to be able to see things that way. We shouldn't stop allowing ourselves to feel what we are feeling at the time, but knowing it's gonna get better is probably what will stop us from leaping off that bridge or swallowing those pills.

I'll settle for a reduced doughnut and a bottle of red in front of the telly. And I think to myself, my healing is going well, but I feel like kind of a phoney.

So being a student of Acupuncture and Chinese medicine, I'm surrouded by VERY health conscious students and I have the same guilty feelings like I'm doing something wrong because I still eat hamburgers and french fries. I dont eat those every day of course (they are more of a stress triggered, comfort food), but the idea is the same. I am supposed to be advising patient's in the future on what to do to improve their health and I cant even get MY health right. But of course I have to remember the wisdom of my acupuncturist and not judge myself as I am slowly finding my way, but to trust that I will find the proper balance of food for my own self. it all comes back to comparing myself to others: dwelling on the negative things I do and ignoring the big positive changes I have already accomplished. (ex. after midterm and final exams I used to go to mcdonalds and get a 20 peice chicken nuggets, a large fry and a large orange Hi-C to drink... now after exams I get the chicken nugget happy meal = 4 nuggets, about 10 french fries, 6 apple slices and a very tiny cup of orange Hi-C)

@Tangerine Got married, actually. Was easier for me to move here than for him to move to the States. MK's not fantastic, but we've got friends here and the train station is literally down the road. Wish there was more to it, though.

And yeah, I can thank my ingrained optimism (and my huge fear of death) for the fact that I know that no matter how hard it gets I'll never go down the suicide path. Something to be thankful for, as it's Thanksgiving and all.

@Plumeria: yeah it's true, keep focusing on the steps we take forward and not the ones we slide back. Anyway, I'll never become a true, even-spirited, centred vegan lady swathed in purple and crystals, that's just not my thing. My healing is much more down to earth. And for every down-day I have, there's an up-day to come (and a lesson to be learnt). .......it's just when we're having those down-days (like today!) wow... it can be discouraging.


@steph: well, I've never been to MK, maybe it's better than I think. And you having friends there is the main point! I live in the capital of Europe and I hardly have any friends. Around here people are just too busy to actually live. It's sad. Maybe I'll move to MK Is it on water? I have a vague feeling it's on water somehow? Which would be very redeeming.

@tangerine there's a few lakes, but we're not on water. We DO have the most roundabouts in the UK though. Haha.

Well that's a bonus!!