Crazy happy to be here

[Nevina]

Hello! I just discovered the podcast a week ago, I've heard five or six episodes, and I am in awe. And this was such a perfect time for me to find it. Every episode I've heard has had me identifying strongly with something or several somethings being said. I've slowly been filling out the surveys over the past few days. I worry than when I get to the "big" surveys, I will think of a dozen more things to say after I submit them. Or new things will come up later. I guess it's ok to submit more than once, yes? I sure hope so. I'm going by Nevina on the surveys as well.

I've always had anxiety problems, ALWAYS, but in the past few years I've been more non-functional due to it than any other time in my life. I can get up and go to work, but I have no spoons left to do anything else. Don't check my snail mail for weeks at a time. Sometimes I wonder if I'm going to reach a point that I am not able to work anymore. Sometimes I hope I do. I have a laundry list of other mental issues besides the anxiety, but those are for future posts.

But on the flip side, this has also been a period of intense healing and learning. I've found so much help in books, podcasts, therapy, meditation (severely need to do more of that). I love these times in my life when epiphanies come on fast and strong. Part of me wishes I had found this podcast when it started, and part of me is happy that I have so many to catch up on!

I had written what I think was a better intro while I was at work, but the break room computer logged me off when I tried to post it. So you get this one instead!

[Jules_rules]

Welcome Nevina,
I'm with you in that I wish I'd found the podcast a long time ago, but once I started catching up, I got through them quickly. Every episode has something that speaks to me. I'm now re-listening to many episodes.
I relate to managing to work but not having anything left at the end of the day. I feel like it takes so much energy to hold myself together all day, there's nothing left to manage my personal life.
Please share more about your meditation and how that's helped. I haven't tried it yet, but I feel like it's time to.

Take care, Jules

[bigeekgirl]

Hi Nevina! Nice to meet you.

I discovered MentalPod this time last year, but just joined the forum. I was listening to three and four episodes a day. One a week is not enough.

It reminds me of my worst moments to see you write about being able to go to work and that's about it. Work was the only thing that kept me on track when I was depressed and anxious. Something about the structure and the fact you "have to" is good for my anxiety brain.

[Nevina]

Thanks for the replies!

Jules, I wish I could impart great widom borne of experience in regards to meditation, but I am also very much a newie with regards to how much time I have actually spent. I did take a weekly mindfulness meditation class four years ago that helped so much. The most vital thing I learned was that the goal was not to clear my mind of all thoughts. I'd always felt that was the "correct" thing to strive toward. And i have so much chatter in my brain constantly, that it just made me feel like a failure. But no. The best way is to simply notice each thought. Acknowledge it. Maybe even name it. And then let it go and return the attention to your breath or sensation or mantra or whatever you're using as a focal point. I find that it is mhch easier to do in a class than alone. The teacher would start the session and immediately I felt present in the moment. Of course I had five million thought intrude and often wandered into a thought tangent for minutes at a time. Sometimes I fell asleep. You can't expect perfection or success, it isnt going to happen, and the journey is what will bring peace with regular practice. Every time you are able to notice, acknowledge, and let go to return to the breath, the brain gets better at being in the moment and feeling stillness. It causes real physical brain changes! Of course, despite knowing all this and much more i still don't meditate nearly as often as I want to. A class is great, and I can recommend some good books if you like.

Bigeekgirl, yeah, i think a lot of it is the "I HAVE TO" about work that helps me do it! If only i could convince my brain that things like checking my snailmail, doing laundry, cooking healthy food, and cleaning my house are also HAVE TO if I want to lesson my anxiety. Haven't made it there yet.

Please excuse any typos, I'm writing this on my phone because my laptop is being repaired.

[weary]

Nevina and bigeekgirl -

Welcome to the boards, both of yo!

I can relate to being driven to do certain things because I feel like I HAVE TO (i.e. there will be dire consequences if I don't) and having a hard time doing other things that I want to or that I think will make me feel better. One shift has come from trying to acknowledge that I do every single thing I do because I am choosing to do it. Nobody is holding a gun to my head. There is somewhere in my head that I am making a decision to do it, and that decision may or may not be based on reality - it may be based on real, logical motivations and consequences or just based on fear or desire. At any rate, the point is, I am trying to look at all possible behaviors on a level playing field - everything is a choice. That means that if you can find it in yourself to do certain things (like going to work), that means that somewhere inside you can find it in yourself to give yourself permission to do other things as well. I am far from being a master at it, but I am finding some of my anxiety and resentment lessening the more that I try to understand why I choose to do the things that I feel like I 'have' to do. Just some food for thought - it might not help you at all.

I hope you both find the boards helpful.

[Nevina]

Thanks, weary! I really identify with recognizing that every action is a choice. Not that I've articulated it that way in my head, but it seems that no matter what I'm doing (unless I'm at work and have a specific set of tasks to accomplish) I feel like I "should" be doing something else. And it isn't even that clear, just a general constant restlessness. I'm sure that I'm not "supposed" to spend most of my time doing stupid stuff online (not that everything online is stupid or useless - this forum is a good use of time, for instance). But there's a nagging restless part of me that feels like I'm not doing the right things if I'm cleaning house or paying bills or whatever daily tasks really ought to be getting done. And then I become so overwhelmed with the anxiety of not knowing what I "should" be doing that I just become paralyzed. The same thing happens to me at work if I'm in a job with a loose structure in which I have a set of very broad, open ended, non-deadline tasks. I just get overwhelmed with being unable to prioritize or decide what to do, so I spend too much time checking email and procrastinating. It also happened when I was in high school and college. It isn't that I don't have a strong work ethic, I just need structure. I'm glad my current job is very structured, and I am working with my therapist to try to put a structure on my home life for this very reason.

I often ponder other people's lives and how they chose to spend their time to try to rewire my brain into knowing there isn't one "right" course of action and I can choose for myself. I look at my violin teacher who spends virtually every waking moment playing or composing music. I look at people in a tiny village in Africa. At movie stars. At businessmen. At homeless people. I do this a LOT, because knowing intellectually that there are many valid ways to live a life isn't the same as knowing it instinctively.

[weary]

Not that I've articulated it that way in my head, but it seems that no matter what I'm doing (unless I'm at work and have a specific set of tasks to accomplish) I feel like I "should" be doing something else.

I can identify with that. For me, I've come to two conclusions about doing that:
1. I have some want or need that is not being met by any of the things that I am doing (and I need to figure out what that want or need is and what I can do about it!).
2. What I am doing at that moment is not meeting one of my wants or needs, or I am not in touch with how it is meeting it.

Doesn't mean you have to be selfish. You may have a want to be liked by people and you do something for another person because you think it will make them like you. If you can be honest to yourself that you are motivated to do it because you are meeting that need, that's a start.

For me at least, the restlessness is a clue to really try to focus on what is important and what is not important. Believe me, I can relate to the idea of making sure that I'm making the "right" choice about what to do because everything else is "wrong". You have good insight in that you recognize that structure helps you and you can acknowledge when you are making these statements to yourself that you kind of know aren't actually true. Be compassionate to yourself and recognize that this is a difficult process (I can describe it abstractly quite well but am not very good at implementing changes for myself yet), and recognize that you are worth it.

[bigeekgirl]

Yes! I can't even add anything, but concur with everything you guys said.

All the damn time, I feel I "ought" to be doing something else. If a friend told me they felt that way I would tell them it's ridiculous.

[Nevina]

Thanks again, weary. I hadn't even considered those questions or reasons.

[meh]

Nevina - I think you have the best signature ever....