YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

Good day,

I'm in my thirties, married with two kids and living in suburbia.

It's always been dark in my head. I feel as if I'm constantly followed by a void. As long as I never look into it the void is not really there. As you can imagine I spend a lot of my time running from it. Like everyone though I trip and fall more often then I'd like. When I do I notice the void is there and it swallows me whole. Once it has me the depression starts and can last for weeks. Fantasies of crawling into bed and never waking up, negative self talk about how utterly worthless I am and thoughts about how the people around me would be better off if I wasn't here consume me. Eventually I crawl out of it. By that time the damage is done, the people around me have suffered through my mood and I'm just a little less of the person I was when it started.

I fight with anxiety and paranoia. I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I despise confrontation. I bury myself in video games and television to escape day to day life. When I go home I just want to sit down and stop moving and get frustrated when I can't. I struggle with anger and I'm critical of everything around me. I eat how I feel, I obsessively bite my fingernails and I pick at my little imperfections. I hate my career choice and look back on my choices with regret. My children drive me insane. Their illogical and needy little balls of emotion and I can see myself in each of theme. All of this and yet I manage to tell myself I'm blowing it out of proportion. I can't tell anyone what's in my head because it would be unfair to dump it all on someone else and if they saw the whole picture they would run away. Yet somehow, every morning I manage to drag myself out of bed and do it all over again.

Every now and then I hit a stretch where I decide I've had enough. I'm not blowing out of proportion. My thoughts and feelings are valid and I'm going to do something about it. In the past I've tried therapy, self help, meditation and opening up to the people I care about. So far I haven't succeeded.

In this current depression trench I stumbled on to Paul and The Happy Hour. I started listening to the back catalog completely out of order. Every pod cast reached in and grabbed my heart. Every podcast spoke to me. His compassion and courage simply pours through his podcast. I admire his bravery and honesty. Finally I hit the first podcast with Dr. Jessica Zucker. My soul wept. Paul laid himself bare on that show. With the close of that episode I decided I had to try out the forums. I had to try opening myself up to people who knew from whence I came. So here I am...anxious, exposed and hopeful.

I wish you all peace.

I often bemoan my situation of being a depressive who is alone, shut up in a tiny bubble over which I illude to myself that I can control. But I can't imagine how frightening and difficult this life is when you have a family and people who depend on you. I have so much respect for how much strength it must take to keep it all together, and the courage that you need going into everyday. Maybe it helps for you to know that there are people like me who look up to people like you.

I too was just listening to the first episode with Jessica Zucker. When Paul was reading the e-mail from the lady in Canada about her experience as a new mom I found myself both laughing and crying at times. I realized that what she had described is the kind of thing I'm terrified that I'll go through when me and my husband finally do have children. I had been diagnosed as having depression in the past and used to be on meds for it. There are some times that I honestly wonder if I shouldn't go and get back on meds. My moods seem to be fluctuating worse and I have more anxiety than I have in a long time. I know that we both want to have kids but I am seriously afraid that I will become that twacked out when I have my own kids.