YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

So I stumbled on this podcast and though...well maybe I can join the forum and get some crap off my chest about how I hate my life...

then I realized (as I always do when I say something out loud) is that I'm totally wrong...

and THAT is my problem...

My life is actually pretty good.. but in my head..its all a set up for HUGE disappointment...

My relationship with my boyfriend is great.. except when I get in the way... in my head there is NO WAY he loves me as much as he says he does... he probably just stays with me because he feel sorry for me.. like an ugly lost puppy...he's probably cheating on me..even though we have been attached at the hip for 6 months..I'm def not good enough for him or anyone.. I constantly accuse him of cheating and obsessively think about how he is messing with my head... I'm going to be the reason he leaves.. I am creating a self fulfilling prophecy..I'm fully aware of this and the FACTS..but cant help what my head says to me constantly.

Everything is ALWAYS the worst case scenario.. I can see horrible situations...whether they have happened to me or not, in my head like a movie.. I feel the emotions and get lost in the WHAT IFs ....

Even though people constantly tell me I'm beautiful and I should be a model.. I don't believe them... They all feel sorry for me... They all are overcompensating for the fact that I'm fat and ugly...and unlovable...

I have an unhealthy relationship with food, myself and my friends... I procrastinate and set goals I never go for... I make my life a living hell.


AND ALTHOUGH all this goes on in my head.. there is a little voice, telling me how untrue all the above is.. and to just STOP IT...But its a liar...maybe...this is my hell...

Im a 36 year old girl..good job and a messed up childhood... not a 10 on the spectrum of dysfunction..but def up there around a 7 or 8...

Im complaining too much now.... I should go....Thanks for listening.. and please don't feel bad for me.. a lot of people have things a lot worse than me....

Hun.. without being too imposing.. I really just feel like hugging you.

It feels like I just read something I would have written down a few years back.
I know EXACTLY how you feel.

You're going to get through this. By all means, if you want to talk to someone outside of the forum, I offer myself up.

The biggest catch I see with people in our position, or anyone suffering from any sort of mental illness is that they set their goals too far ahead.
You're so excited for it to be all gone and cleaned up that you don't see the steps you've taken so far.

My suggestion, take it or leave it.

Talk to your boyfriend about this. If you're going to be making this journey into getting better, you shouldn't do it alone. And if he's going to be there, and be supportive, you stand a MUCH better chance.

Cut ties. Anyone holding you down. It doesn't have to be a permanent thing. Sometimes you just need a break from people who put their expectations onto you. Right now, more than ever you need to focus on what YOU need. Keep that in mind.

"Everyday, in every way, I get better and better" Say it. It feels weird. But sometimes it's the only thing that's saved my life, day, mood... etc

Talk to a professional. And if the first person, two people, three people don't feel like their helping... keep looking!! It took me nearly 4 years to find the right person (don't let that discourage you at all!) Persistence is KEY!

And most importantly... love yourself. Please. Look back into your childhood. You mentioned it was messed up... look into it and find something you need. Sit down, color, dress like a princess, buy a skip-it.. Doesn't matter. take time for yourself to be that kid you may have had trouble being when you were younger. If not... well... do your nails. Fix your hair.. Mud mask? Whatever it is you need. TAKE THE TIME AND LOVE YOURSELF <3

I hope that helps you. I know I could tell you you probably are a beautiful and smart woman... but the thing is that YOU need to see it for yourself.
So let yourself see it

Sounds like you'd benefit from speaking with a therapist.