Day-dream addict on the verge of success.
Posted: January 10th, 2013, 3:44 am
..at least it feels I'm on the verge. I've become quite addicted to daydreaming; so much that I can't distinguish "goals" from "dreams" from "wasting time".
I'm about to turn 30. I've worked at an embarrassingly dead-end job for five years.
What's really nagging me is that my artwork has really gotten the attention I've always wanted; from successful artist who I've admired for years.
I've had opportunities offered to me from amazing talents, many of which I was more than eager for. But for some sick reason, I fear success more than anything. I'm afraid that once I have a spotlight on me, that everything terrible about me will be exposed.
My living situation is also quite embarrassing. I live with both of my out of touch parents, but as of March I'll be moving out of state to a more art-driven community.
What got me on this page was listening to the MOTHER GUY podcast.
His story about his mom was so similar to what I've been so afraid to admit lately, it's a bit disturbing.
My mother is clearly mentally ill. An opiate addict, depressed , narcissistic.
I was never encouraged for my talents, but shamed. I was told it was sending me to hell, that I was warped, etc.
I've only recently come to terms with all of this; even though I knew how bad my own mental state has probably been in the past five years.
I've never been to a therapist; that was something my mother discouraged. I feel now that she would have envied someone else getting attention for a mental condition.
The past few weeks have been amazingly poignant. I've been leaving my irresponsible party behavior further and further behind me, yet I feel a shadow of guilt and fear with me everywhere, like a smelly old relative that just won't leave.
But I'm here, hoping to meet others who know exactly what the hell I'm going through.
I'm about to turn 30. I've worked at an embarrassingly dead-end job for five years.
What's really nagging me is that my artwork has really gotten the attention I've always wanted; from successful artist who I've admired for years.
I've had opportunities offered to me from amazing talents, many of which I was more than eager for. But for some sick reason, I fear success more than anything. I'm afraid that once I have a spotlight on me, that everything terrible about me will be exposed.
My living situation is also quite embarrassing. I live with both of my out of touch parents, but as of March I'll be moving out of state to a more art-driven community.
What got me on this page was listening to the MOTHER GUY podcast.
His story about his mom was so similar to what I've been so afraid to admit lately, it's a bit disturbing.
My mother is clearly mentally ill. An opiate addict, depressed , narcissistic.
I was never encouraged for my talents, but shamed. I was told it was sending me to hell, that I was warped, etc.
I've only recently come to terms with all of this; even though I knew how bad my own mental state has probably been in the past five years.
I've never been to a therapist; that was something my mother discouraged. I feel now that she would have envied someone else getting attention for a mental condition.
The past few weeks have been amazingly poignant. I've been leaving my irresponsible party behavior further and further behind me, yet I feel a shadow of guilt and fear with me everywhere, like a smelly old relative that just won't leave.
But I'm here, hoping to meet others who know exactly what the hell I'm going through.
