Hi there, folks.
Posted: January 13th, 2013, 10:24 pm
I'm having a good day today, and that's why I decided to introduce myself. If I can be honest about my illness on a good day, it gives me the perspective to understand that my bad days won't last forever.
About me: I'm a mid-30s guy from rural North Carolina. I like to fashion myself as a freelance writer even though those checks haven't hit the mailbox in a while now. My last "real", steady job was as a retail manager, and I was really good at it until I started to have emotional breakdowns and just couldn't stand being in the public eye anymore. Because of this, I haven't had health insurance in years and thusly have never been able to see anyone to help me with my illness in a professional setting. I'm sure that there are low-cost options for mental health in my area, but I haven't found them yet.
My depression is a cyclical animal that lays me out every three weeks, almost without fail. The typical month starts out fine, if a little gray. I will feel functional but a little muted, like every emotion is a little fuzzy. The second week is when I usually feel pretty great. I wouldn't consider it a mania because life goes on as usual, but my moods is great and I love life. The third week is a downward slide from there, and I wind up feeling irritable and ornery with those feelings getting worse as the days go by. The fourth week is when the depression roars. I slouch and the muscled in my back tense as if I am carrying a literal weight. That's when I know to separate from everyone and be alone for a few days. During this time I am hopeless, get very emotional at the drop of a hat, and everything good in my life feels made out of ash. In a few days these feelings start to fade and there is always a moment when I know I am on the other side, like opening a window in a musty room. Things clear, I start to feel better, and the cycle starts again.
Mental illness and suicide run in both sides of my family, and I think about suicide virtually every day, but in a philosophical way more than a practical one. I haven't had real suicidal urges since I was a teenager and I was struggling with my sexuality (and the relation of my homosexuality to my extreme religious upbringing). I think making it through all of that gave me the strength to make it through the bad times now. I have no real issues now with my gayness or my rejection of conventional organized religion, because if there is something in my like that is hurting me, I carve it out and replace it with something new. Too bad I can't do that with my broken clock of a head.
Anyway, that's my crazy in a nutshell. I love myself until I don't, and then I try to love myself again. I feel good until I feel bad, but I can look forward to feeling good again.
I'm extremely lucky in that even though I know for certain I will soon feel like shit, I also know that I will feel good again.
I'm also looking forward to joining this community and helipng others feel stronger in their weaknesses.
About me: I'm a mid-30s guy from rural North Carolina. I like to fashion myself as a freelance writer even though those checks haven't hit the mailbox in a while now. My last "real", steady job was as a retail manager, and I was really good at it until I started to have emotional breakdowns and just couldn't stand being in the public eye anymore. Because of this, I haven't had health insurance in years and thusly have never been able to see anyone to help me with my illness in a professional setting. I'm sure that there are low-cost options for mental health in my area, but I haven't found them yet.
My depression is a cyclical animal that lays me out every three weeks, almost without fail. The typical month starts out fine, if a little gray. I will feel functional but a little muted, like every emotion is a little fuzzy. The second week is when I usually feel pretty great. I wouldn't consider it a mania because life goes on as usual, but my moods is great and I love life. The third week is a downward slide from there, and I wind up feeling irritable and ornery with those feelings getting worse as the days go by. The fourth week is when the depression roars. I slouch and the muscled in my back tense as if I am carrying a literal weight. That's when I know to separate from everyone and be alone for a few days. During this time I am hopeless, get very emotional at the drop of a hat, and everything good in my life feels made out of ash. In a few days these feelings start to fade and there is always a moment when I know I am on the other side, like opening a window in a musty room. Things clear, I start to feel better, and the cycle starts again.
Mental illness and suicide run in both sides of my family, and I think about suicide virtually every day, but in a philosophical way more than a practical one. I haven't had real suicidal urges since I was a teenager and I was struggling with my sexuality (and the relation of my homosexuality to my extreme religious upbringing). I think making it through all of that gave me the strength to make it through the bad times now. I have no real issues now with my gayness or my rejection of conventional organized religion, because if there is something in my like that is hurting me, I carve it out and replace it with something new. Too bad I can't do that with my broken clock of a head.
Anyway, that's my crazy in a nutshell. I love myself until I don't, and then I try to love myself again. I feel good until I feel bad, but I can look forward to feeling good again.
I'm extremely lucky in that even though I know for certain I will soon feel like shit, I also know that I will feel good again.
I'm also looking forward to joining this community and helipng others feel stronger in their weaknesses.