YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

Hi gang. I've been listening to the podcast for a few months now. And each one resonates in some way. It has made me consider going to a support group which I started last week. We'll see how that goes.
I'm one of those crazy people who has no real reason for bring crazy -- and the guilt of that makes me feel even worse. I've been chronically depressed, probably since I was a little kid. But as an adult it's gotten way worse and harder to hide. I have trichotillomania which is the compulsion to pull out my hair. In my case I pull out my eyelashes & eyebrows. This also started in childhood but only for short periods and not very noticeable. In the last few years its become overwhelming and I basically have no eyelashes or eyebrows and look like an alien. Added to all that is my compulsive eating which might be the worst thing if all. I can't stop it. Everyday is like a race to fill every free second with food.
Everyday I think I can't get any lower, yet I do. I see myself doing these things to myself and I know it's wrong and bad. But I can't stop. Where is yhe rock bottom i have to hit before i can only go back up? Where is the epiphany that will inspire me to climb out of this hole I dug for myself?
I've thought about suicide passively (just wishing I wouldn't wake up) since I was a kid. But recent years I've started thinking more concretely about it. Like how I would do it. I'm not going to, so no worries. I can't bear to do that to my parents bc I know they'd blame themselves. They didn't do anything wrong by me, they don't deserve those kinds of thoughts invading their minds. I know what that feels like and I would never wish it upon anybody else.
Sorry I rambled. Didn't really know what else to say. Advice, wisdom, a joke, whatever you got, is appreciated. Thanks, ET

So many of the burdens that we have to carry in this life we don't deserve. Life can be hard because of environment, circumstance, and, as may be the case here, chemistry. Like Paul has said in the podcast, sometimes dealing with things alone is like "trying to fix a broken brain with a broken brain". so I hope your support group makes you feel a little less alone and can help you break through the barriers that keep you from feeling good about yourself. You deserve happiness. You deserve relief. Anyway, welcome to the community, and let us know how it goes!

ET101,

Welcome to the forum. I poke my head in every once in a while, and I randomly clicked on your intro. The first thing that struck me is how hard you are on yourself. You've lived with depression most of your life yet you say you have nothing to point to for your difficulty. I did the same thing for years. I didn't know how bad I felt inside until I started to feel good. My guess is if you dive into your support group and other forms of help, and getting to know others with similar difficulties, you will begin to find your feelings less overwhelming, and maybe find the strength to resist numbing them with pulling hair or overeating.

We're glad you're here! I'm glad you realized you don't have to suffer in silence alone anymore. There are SO many of us. So at least take comfort in knowing that!

Big Hug,

Paul

Yyou will hear in your group to keep coming back. I thought that was corny but you will find relief and help every time you go to your group. You do not need to know how you got sick because that will come in time. Just work on you a little bit each day. Be good to yourself, you will learn you do not have to be perfect or have all the answers. Just keep going to your group.

Thanks everyone for the kind words.
I did go back to the group again today and it was really interesting to sit back & listen to the back and forth of the people and to just get a feel for the dynamic of the group. Looking forward to next week and opening up myself a bit more.
And yeah, I've heard that one about being too hard on myself a few times before, haha. But I still counter that with not being hard enough on myself, as in I should be more disciplined. But that's just one of the many things I have to work on.

Thanks Paul for all you do! -ET