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Hello!

Posted: January 30th, 2013, 12:40 am
by PalmcorderYajna
I just signed up after listening to my first episode of The Mental Illness Happy Hour. The BPD episode was my first but I subscribed because I am a huge fan of standup comedy. I even wish I could be one someday, there aren't many opportunities to do it where I am.

I figure I should let you know a little bit about myself. I am a 22 year old female. I am an artist, a writer, and a musician. I record and write my own songs and play many different instruments. I am going to school for graphic design. I love learning new things. I love music, especially indie pop and folk. My favorites change all the time but I am really into The Mountain Goats, Andrew Bird, and Belle and Sebastian at the moment. I am also transgender. Though I don't see that as a label for who I am. I identify as female, though I was born into a male body. I used to feel a lot of shame but have done a lot of work in order to feel proud of my body and who I am. It can be difficult when you live in a society where you are either treated like a joke or a threat half of the time. I am full time and my previous "male identification" is really not a part of my life other then a distant memory.

I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder about a year ago, though after listening to the BPD episode I would like to look into that as it describes me much better. I have a ridiculous amount of rapid cycling which does not fall in line with criteria for rapid cycling for bipolar. I constantly feel empty. I feel as if people are going to abandon me at any moment. I just hit a depressive episode last night after being fairly hypo-manic for a couple of weeks. I found out I was going to lose the insurance I was on (trigger: abandonment). Last night I cut myself after not doing it for a month. I am getting better at not beating myself up over things like that. Basically, changing my mindset from "I can't believe I cut again, I'm worthless" to "I went a whole month without cutting, and today I can start not cutting again".

I have recently gotten better at remaining productive. I have dreams of making a living off of my art, but often times feel hopeless and lack the motivation. I am working on my first solo album, my graphic design degree, and trying to find employment. I want to live and it makes me so confused sometimes that my brain would tell me I want to die. There is so much I want to do. I have to keep swimming, even though I often times feel like I am drowning.

I grew up with unsupportive and emotionally absent parents. They often times were physically absent as well. This led to me being sexually abused by 3 separate people. 1 of those people went on to sexually assault me in high school when I was 16. I never told anyone. I was too afraid. I felt no support. I didn't feel safe at home. I still don't I live with my father and I feel trapped because I feel like I am never going to get better unless I escape. His emotional abuse is a constant trigger for my depressive episodes. I learned early on that he was always right, I was always wrong. I can't tell him about how the things he says make me feel. My mother is emotionally absent, and all in all, a very mean person. They divorced when I was 7. No one sees what I see, everyone sees my father as some loving old hippie. He isn't.

Speaking of hippies. In an attempt to stabilize my moods I have recently started giving up all substances. I have had 2 alcoholic drinks since june of last year, and I gave up weed 3 weeks ago. I realized it was triggering my depressive episodes.

Anyway, I've shared a lot. I hope this community is supportive as it seems.

Re: Hello!

Posted: January 30th, 2013, 12:54 am
by PalmcorderYajna
I didn't mean that last line in an untrusting way. I was more trying to illustrate a cautious optimism about this being a good place to talk about my mental illness. As I really don't know the community at all.

Re: Hello!

Posted: January 30th, 2013, 1:02 am
by PalmcorderYajna
I wonder if there is an edit button because I wanted to share this and I didn't want to keep making new replies. Last night before I decided to cut. I found a bottle of old anti depressants I was supposed to throw out but didn't (not for any deep reason, I am just forgetful and disorganized). Bupropion XL, if anyone is curious. I just keep getting closer and closer in testing out suicidal behaviors. I kept pouring all 90 pills into my hand. And then putting them back.

I am afraid that I am going to have a severe mood swing and someone isn't going to be there, or I will not be able to distract myself. And I will just kill myself, with no warning and no note or anything.

Re: Hello!

Posted: January 30th, 2013, 8:43 am
by ScottMentalPod
Just out of curiosity... do you feel more depressed in the Winter time?

Re: Hello!

Posted: January 30th, 2013, 9:33 am
by PalmcorderYajna
I'm always way worse in the winter time. I still have mood swings but they are not as severe. And I generally don't get suicidal in the summer, even at my worst. My brain basically likes to combine SAD with whatever else is going on up there. I had the good fortune of being born in rural vermont. Where the winters are so long and bad that sometimes you can't leave the house even if you wanted to.

Re: Hello!

Posted: January 30th, 2013, 9:57 am
by ScottMentalPod
Do me a favor... Go to Walmart or a hardware store & spend $15 on a light bulb that provides at least 2500 Lux (Lumen). Then sit next to it for the 2 days. Let us know if it helps. If it doesn't, it's 1 less bulb you need to buy.

It takes a lifetime to get a handle on your physiology (brain chemistry). If this tip helps at 22, you have a lifetime of less misery. My own person view: less lows means less highs which means less drama which means less stress which means less BiPolar.

Re: Hello!

Posted: January 30th, 2013, 10:19 am
by ColemanSilk
I don't know if this is possible in rural Vermont, but when you are in a "good" period you should research crisis centers and/or which hospitals in your area are best-equipped for mental health issues.

For example my primary care doc told me that my closest hospital sucks with mental health, but a hospital just a couple miles further away has a dedicated mental health emergency section. So if I get the suicidal urge I know where to go--this is not the kind of thing you want to research when you're already in crisis mode.

Re: Hello!

Posted: January 30th, 2013, 1:19 pm
by PalmcorderYajna
I'll give the bulb thing a shot. Do I need a special lamp. Thanks. I do have numbers down for local hospitals as well and I have a great (mental health care) relationship with my therapist. I also am lucky to be pretty self aware so I at least am able to recognize when I am having a mood swing.

Re: Hello!

Posted: January 30th, 2013, 1:47 pm
by ScottMentalPod
2500 lumens supposedly works which you get a basic LED bulb for $15 at a Walmart or your local hardware store. But ideally you want 10,000 lumens light which you get off Amazon for around $50. Also try deep breathing when you get that *sigh* feeling.

Prescriptions are definitely ideal but any non-prescription healthy habits you can figure out about yourself, the better. I'm 40+ and I'm still trying to improve. It took my entire 20s to finally get a handle on things. A low-stress-well-paying job and low-stress-wife definitely helped!