Hello!
Posted: January 30th, 2013, 12:40 am
I just signed up after listening to my first episode of The Mental Illness Happy Hour. The BPD episode was my first but I subscribed because I am a huge fan of standup comedy. I even wish I could be one someday, there aren't many opportunities to do it where I am.
I figure I should let you know a little bit about myself. I am a 22 year old female. I am an artist, a writer, and a musician. I record and write my own songs and play many different instruments. I am going to school for graphic design. I love learning new things. I love music, especially indie pop and folk. My favorites change all the time but I am really into The Mountain Goats, Andrew Bird, and Belle and Sebastian at the moment. I am also transgender. Though I don't see that as a label for who I am. I identify as female, though I was born into a male body. I used to feel a lot of shame but have done a lot of work in order to feel proud of my body and who I am. It can be difficult when you live in a society where you are either treated like a joke or a threat half of the time. I am full time and my previous "male identification" is really not a part of my life other then a distant memory.
I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder about a year ago, though after listening to the BPD episode I would like to look into that as it describes me much better. I have a ridiculous amount of rapid cycling which does not fall in line with criteria for rapid cycling for bipolar. I constantly feel empty. I feel as if people are going to abandon me at any moment. I just hit a depressive episode last night after being fairly hypo-manic for a couple of weeks. I found out I was going to lose the insurance I was on (trigger: abandonment). Last night I cut myself after not doing it for a month. I am getting better at not beating myself up over things like that. Basically, changing my mindset from "I can't believe I cut again, I'm worthless" to "I went a whole month without cutting, and today I can start not cutting again".
I have recently gotten better at remaining productive. I have dreams of making a living off of my art, but often times feel hopeless and lack the motivation. I am working on my first solo album, my graphic design degree, and trying to find employment. I want to live and it makes me so confused sometimes that my brain would tell me I want to die. There is so much I want to do. I have to keep swimming, even though I often times feel like I am drowning.
I grew up with unsupportive and emotionally absent parents. They often times were physically absent as well. This led to me being sexually abused by 3 separate people. 1 of those people went on to sexually assault me in high school when I was 16. I never told anyone. I was too afraid. I felt no support. I didn't feel safe at home. I still don't I live with my father and I feel trapped because I feel like I am never going to get better unless I escape. His emotional abuse is a constant trigger for my depressive episodes. I learned early on that he was always right, I was always wrong. I can't tell him about how the things he says make me feel. My mother is emotionally absent, and all in all, a very mean person. They divorced when I was 7. No one sees what I see, everyone sees my father as some loving old hippie. He isn't.
Speaking of hippies. In an attempt to stabilize my moods I have recently started giving up all substances. I have had 2 alcoholic drinks since june of last year, and I gave up weed 3 weeks ago. I realized it was triggering my depressive episodes.
Anyway, I've shared a lot. I hope this community is supportive as it seems.
I figure I should let you know a little bit about myself. I am a 22 year old female. I am an artist, a writer, and a musician. I record and write my own songs and play many different instruments. I am going to school for graphic design. I love learning new things. I love music, especially indie pop and folk. My favorites change all the time but I am really into The Mountain Goats, Andrew Bird, and Belle and Sebastian at the moment. I am also transgender. Though I don't see that as a label for who I am. I identify as female, though I was born into a male body. I used to feel a lot of shame but have done a lot of work in order to feel proud of my body and who I am. It can be difficult when you live in a society where you are either treated like a joke or a threat half of the time. I am full time and my previous "male identification" is really not a part of my life other then a distant memory.
I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder about a year ago, though after listening to the BPD episode I would like to look into that as it describes me much better. I have a ridiculous amount of rapid cycling which does not fall in line with criteria for rapid cycling for bipolar. I constantly feel empty. I feel as if people are going to abandon me at any moment. I just hit a depressive episode last night after being fairly hypo-manic for a couple of weeks. I found out I was going to lose the insurance I was on (trigger: abandonment). Last night I cut myself after not doing it for a month. I am getting better at not beating myself up over things like that. Basically, changing my mindset from "I can't believe I cut again, I'm worthless" to "I went a whole month without cutting, and today I can start not cutting again".
I have recently gotten better at remaining productive. I have dreams of making a living off of my art, but often times feel hopeless and lack the motivation. I am working on my first solo album, my graphic design degree, and trying to find employment. I want to live and it makes me so confused sometimes that my brain would tell me I want to die. There is so much I want to do. I have to keep swimming, even though I often times feel like I am drowning.
I grew up with unsupportive and emotionally absent parents. They often times were physically absent as well. This led to me being sexually abused by 3 separate people. 1 of those people went on to sexually assault me in high school when I was 16. I never told anyone. I was too afraid. I felt no support. I didn't feel safe at home. I still don't I live with my father and I feel trapped because I feel like I am never going to get better unless I escape. His emotional abuse is a constant trigger for my depressive episodes. I learned early on that he was always right, I was always wrong. I can't tell him about how the things he says make me feel. My mother is emotionally absent, and all in all, a very mean person. They divorced when I was 7. No one sees what I see, everyone sees my father as some loving old hippie. He isn't.
Speaking of hippies. In an attempt to stabilize my moods I have recently started giving up all substances. I have had 2 alcoholic drinks since june of last year, and I gave up weed 3 weeks ago. I realized it was triggering my depressive episodes.
Anyway, I've shared a lot. I hope this community is supportive as it seems.