YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

Hey,

I've just been listening to a podcast with paul on the nerdist and somethings he said rang true and I thought I'd come here as a good place to build up my courage to have some therapy, I'm currently trying to remain free from drugs, but finding it easy to make excuses to have a few drinks in the evening to help me sleep and don't want to swap one for the other...I feel like i'm a strong perosn who doesn't want to make a mountain out of a mole hill but I guess feeling are feelings and talking about stuff can only be good.I guess all I want is the relief of some empathy and fantasies about situation where I get that all the time, have done since being a young child. I'm sure therapy would be a good idea, but am worried that if a get someone who doesn't respond to me in the way I want it'll do more harm than good...

Then take it slow and tread lightly... It's a start!

Welcome, Vix. Pull up a chair and stay a while. Have you found support group meetings for your alcoholism in your area? You can PM me if you need specific information on living sober, I haven't had a drink since April of 1993.

Welcome to you...

I understand your fears with therapy. I had a difficult time before I went too. My fears were more about, oh I already know what I need to do and what's wrong I just need to do something about it. I found that I was paralyzed by the way my brain thinks and that I over analyze every situation regardless of weather or not I know the answers. I found that the therapist was able to ground me a little. Guide me and help me focus a little more on the task at hand. Then I started to come to realizations I had never really thought of before, then more doors opened, etc. It is a difficult road to start down, but once you get on the trail it gets easier. And sometimes the first therapist doesn't work out. I just started with a new one. This one seems like it will work out okay, it's hard but you have to keep trying and don't give up. It is worth it, YOU are worth it.

Thank you guys, it's really nice to be welcomed

Jenny, when I initially read your reply which mentioned alcholism I thought 'im don't have a problem with alcohol!' because ive always just thought I had to worry about my drug usage and that problem could be solved by distances myself from certian people, but I thinking about it i guess my realtionship with alcohol has pattern of attiction like using it to sleep, doing shots at 7am and in toilets and hidding drinking from friends, even though im not necessarilu drinking everyday.

Lark your words rig particulary true for me and I can't thank you enough for that, i have so many different theories running around in my head and because I am the ultimate idealist and believe the best in human kind I still connections with those who have cause me pain and I know the world is't black and white so I don't want to end up casting blame, but I think I need a way of getting my story off my chest, but it's how to do that in a way which maintains my ideals...but I'm sure that's something I can only figure out by bouncing it off another person rather than my own head care to tell me a bit more about your own story? thanks again

Me too. Last week I accidentally found the podcast and started listening. I was immediately blown away at the honesty and vulnerability and coolness of the folks who make up TMIHH. I've never joined an online community before. I don't even Facebook. But listening to Paul and his guests, and reading some of the forum posts was something else. Everyone is so courageous! So authentic! And totally into solutions, which I love. So I took the leap. Even threw in some cash, which is remarkable, for a cheapskate like me.

Gosh Vix, I am glad that you were able to relate and I am honored that you would want to know more about my story.

But would you believe it? Even though I am completely anonymous that it actually gives me anxiety to think about telling my story. For a couple of reasons and it comes down to "fears". I know logically I have nothing to be ashamed of or feel bad about, but I am sitting here right now minimizing what I deal with, thinking Oh, it's not that bad. So many others on this forum have really dealt with some serious stuff. In my head I know its wrong to do it and what's more I know this community of all people wouldn't judge me, yet I still do it. This was part of the reason I created my blog, to get my thoughts out and to try and be more open. And then I start feeling so narcissistic about the whole thing because just like Paul talks about on the show, I am always looking to see how many people visited and if people are responding and getting anything out of it. And I am really trying to remind my self (and I talk about it in the blog) that I am doing this for me, not other people. But at the same time I want to feel connected. Sorry for the ramble, onto your question...

It's really hard to give a quick overview of my story. Because still there are no events that I can really point to and say, "this is where it all started". I can say I grew up in a "blue collar" (I think that's what they would have called it) home, but a very loving environment. I had two fantastic parents that I still think the world of to this day. This is where I get a little confused as to what happened and why I am the way I am. Looking back, I realized at a very early age that I thought differently than most. That I over analyzed everything and thought way too much about things. So much to the point that it would start to affect my emotions. It wasn't until recently that I really realized this. This deep thought has put me into depressions more times than I thought too, some were lingering ones that lasted for years, showing no real outside signs that I was aware of. I know, it's all kind of vague. But some of the things that I think contributed to where I am at now are the fact that I lost both of my parents within 5 years of each other losing the last one, my Mom, around 2001. This contributed to a period in my life where I was completely shut off emotionally. I was sexual at way too early of an age, I am talking around 4-5. Not abusive or anything, just kids exploring kids and being introduced to porn due to another child's parents being irresponsible. Which I think has messed with me for a long time, making me in some ways sexualize every woman I see, meet, read about or even hear. These aren't things I act on, just feelings and thoughts I have. I am actually quite respectful and careful, overly too a point, because I don't want to be the person that I see myself as when I have those thoughts. I was in a marriage for nearly 20 years to a woman who suffered from Bi-polar, depression and anxiety along with some other diagnoses that they were still concluding. I loved her and I still do, but it was an extremely dysfunctional marriage that should have ended a long time ago because neither of us were truly happy. We stuck it out for love of one another and for our daughter, but finally ended it a year ago when she decided to walk away. In less than two months she was with another guy (I actually think even earlier, but I would rather not know), this of course fucked with me but I moved on. Since then I started dating again, feelings started coming back and this whole whirlwind of emotion smacked me right in the face when I fell in love for the first time in years and then it didn't work out which sent me spiraling back down so fast that I have had an extremely difficult time just pulling myself out of the crater that was created from hitting bottom. Whoa! It's crazy how I do that sometimes. I really didn't have an expectation that I would or rather even be able to say what I just said there, but when I start writing it tends to flow. Yet my brain is moving a 100 times faster than this, if only I could get it all out, but that novel would be hard to follow. I guess that's the overview, obviously there is so much more, probably stuff that hasn't even come to mind yet but this is me. I probably should have saved all this for my blog or even the about me post that I started, but oh well... You asked Careful what you wish for, right?

I can't believe I am actually going to post this... Fuck it!

Another one of my issues is that I second guess myself all the time. Thinking did I explain myself correctly, did I miss something, etc. Hence the reason I am making another post on the same topic

The reason I came back was because I never really said my diagnosis, but I guess that is because I don't really have one. My last therapist said that is "sounded" like I was dealing with depression, but never flat out said this is what it is (and I should mention, it's not like we had a handful of visits. I went to her at least 10 times). I have, in most ways, kind of diagnosed myself at this point because I don't know what else to call it. I have signs of it like being irritable, not being able to shake the sadness, feeling fine one minute and then the next not; and I don't even having anything I can point to that made me feel that way. So, I don't really know. Somehow I feel it goes deeper than depression, but I am no expert. I do have hope though, I haven't felt this way always, the only thing I truly fear about getting to a place where I feel better is that I don't EVER want to be shut off from my emotions again. It seems strange to say when suffering through depression I know, but in some ways it is just as miserable. In seeing this new therapist, I truly hope to get to some better conclusions.

And on a funnier note, as I finish this, I am thinking, I know there was something else I wanted to say. I am going to come up with it as soon as I post this.
But no more... I am done, thanks for listening

Thank you so much for that Lark I really appreciate how hard that must have been to post with the whole second guessing yourself thing and I'm really glad you did! Im also glad you mentioned the whole blog thing and checking for replies, I too started a blog and am very conscious that I see it as an online diary so what I write is to remind me of a great thought or of a new path rather than trying to impress others (though secretly I hope that I'll somehow make a massive mark on the world, say in the form of a revolution and then historians will use my blog to track the ideas of what led to such a great moment in history...I wish this was a joke but it true)

I don't think you need a diagnosis to except you need help handling intense emotions and I understand your confusion over why, because like me I think, yep some bad things happend but other people got far worse so can I justify these feelings? So would you say having a therapist is helping things?

Stimpy...you're entirely right people are amazing on here and I'm glad you posted came and posted on this thread as it's good to know that you had the same feelings but are finding it helpful.

Yes, yes, yes... You get it Vix! I read through your response and just kept saying "yes". Especially the secret part, I don't have the same thought, but I do think that maybe I am saying something truly important that people need to hear. And it scares me to thing that because I don't ever want to be seen as full of ego (however it would be nice to have comfortable confidence).

As far as the therapist helping... I am on my second one and I have only had one visit with her. I think that I did come to some realizations with the last one in just talking about things, but I am second guessing some of my thoughts on that because of some of the feelings I had about how much she was actually helping. I went to the new one because I didn't feel like I was getting anywhere with the first. I felt she didn't focus me, I was scattered all over the place and never really felt like I was getting any resolution when I would leave a visit. I would often leave there feeling worse than when I got there. She was nice and mostly easy to talk to, but with that and the fact that there were lots of distractions and too many what I felt were inappropriate complements and a few unprofessional comments (at least in my mind), I just couldn't do it any more. But the one I just started seeing, well I have a good feeling about her. We went over a lot on my first visit and although I felt a little heavy when I left, I felt a little relief too, like I had really started something. I hope I am not fooling myself, but I refuse to give up.

Thanks to you Vix, I truly appreciate your thoughts and your honesty.