Some war stories
Posted: February 26th, 2013, 3:38 pm
Hi all,
I've read enough of the other intro posts here to feel comfortable stepping up.
I've listened to the podcast on and off in different bouts since about the time the first episode with Dr. Jessica Zucker was first posted, probably almost a year ago.
I'm 28, female, a graduate student suffering from a knot of depression, low-self esteem, procrastination/perfectionism and anxiety. I have had counselling for it in short bursts at different times in my life, primarily through my universities - first during my undergrad, then a couple of years ago when it was starting to really impede my grad school work (that's right, I'm in year 4 of a supposedly 2-year program). Unfortunately that second bout of counselling didn't seem to go that well and it's been a year and a half that I've been trying to get through it, all the while not making progress on the final project that I need to complete in order to complete my Master's program. I've been unemployed since 2011 and feeling progressively more awful. It is punctuated with occasional swings of hope that I'll be able to get myself out, and slow declines back into habits of distraction and sadness.
In the past 8 weeks or so, I've been working through a workbook on depression. Yesterday, a book came in for me from the library called "Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the daughters of narcissistic mothers," as I've started more and more to realize that a lot of my perfectionism, negative self-talk and overall expectations about my emotional life are, in fact, coping mechanisms for some of the weird shit my mom has put me through. I have never felt particularly nurtured, supported or respected by her, and the book has helped me find some words to describe the nature of what I've always felt was lacking. Her relationship with me has been very materialistic and I've long held the belief, and been angered by, the fact that she has no interest in who I am and never really did (and still doesn't) acknowledge or have any interst inme as an emotional being.
Reviews of this particular book do take the author to task for having a "blaming everything on your mother" approach for the first few sections. That said, the third section, which I've yet to complete, talks more about what it means to work through the pain, accept the emotional limitations of our mothers as things we can't change but have to learn to live with, while finding new methods of getting our emotional needs met to become healthy human beings. I'm fortunate that I've already started on that process, although of course I'm constantly cycling back between moving on from the pain and being in the thick of it. There are times when I am in the middle of the pain and I feel trapped in it — there are a few of my friends that I actually talk to about it, but I don't always turn to them when I'm in the middle of painful moments and I worry that I'm asking too much of them and try to trust and have faith that they'll just tell me if that really is the case.
The book has also made me realize how broken my own mother is, but it is also reminding me that she is the only one who can do anything about her own issues. Since she has shown that she isn't interested in processing or working through it despite the fact that every single relationship she has with her family (me, my older brother, my father) is strained and feeling ill effects from her poor coping mechanisms and destructive methods of working through conflict, I gotta take that for what it is and save myself first, and not feel guilty for that, and start my life, gdi. My brother moved off the continent to deal with his own issues (some of which I would say definitely have some connection to the issues with our mother) but he's in a much better position with regards to it not affecting his work.
I find myself scared a lot about the effect of my depression on my professional life and work reputation. My work involves social media so my social circle is very active in using Facebook, Twitter, etc. Some people I know use the tools to talk about their mental health and mood struggles. I'm petrified in social situations that people are judging me as a loser, etc. because I haven't finished my degree, and that this is costing my job opportunities and that I'm acquiring a reputation as unreliable as a result. I've mostly withdrawn from it using my thesis as an excuse but it is something I know is on the horizon for me to face. The community of people working on the topics I specialize in in my city is very small. I'm trying to say to tell myself that I'll never be able to control what people think about me and trying to is fruitless; all I can do is tell my truth and people will act however they choose to. I can't fault people for deciding that they don't want to put their fate in the hands of someone who seems like they can't perform. I just feel like it seems to play into problems I've had for a really long time around being a perfectionist and focusing on my weaknesses instead of trying to play off my strengths. I'm terrified of having to move away to find work because I really love the life I have in the city I've grown up in. (In the end, I know this is all fear of change and that I'm hanging on to things because they are comfortable, and I know that overcoming my mental health challenges will almost undoubtedly mean making significant changes to my overall life, not just things inside my head. But, fear, still.)
Phewf, that's quite the wall of text. If nothing else, this will help remind me what I'm working on.
If you've made it all the way down here, thanks for listening, so to speak. I hope to be able to share some support and comfort with others facing down similar demons.
I've read enough of the other intro posts here to feel comfortable stepping up.
I've listened to the podcast on and off in different bouts since about the time the first episode with Dr. Jessica Zucker was first posted, probably almost a year ago.
I'm 28, female, a graduate student suffering from a knot of depression, low-self esteem, procrastination/perfectionism and anxiety. I have had counselling for it in short bursts at different times in my life, primarily through my universities - first during my undergrad, then a couple of years ago when it was starting to really impede my grad school work (that's right, I'm in year 4 of a supposedly 2-year program). Unfortunately that second bout of counselling didn't seem to go that well and it's been a year and a half that I've been trying to get through it, all the while not making progress on the final project that I need to complete in order to complete my Master's program. I've been unemployed since 2011 and feeling progressively more awful. It is punctuated with occasional swings of hope that I'll be able to get myself out, and slow declines back into habits of distraction and sadness.
In the past 8 weeks or so, I've been working through a workbook on depression. Yesterday, a book came in for me from the library called "Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the daughters of narcissistic mothers," as I've started more and more to realize that a lot of my perfectionism, negative self-talk and overall expectations about my emotional life are, in fact, coping mechanisms for some of the weird shit my mom has put me through. I have never felt particularly nurtured, supported or respected by her, and the book has helped me find some words to describe the nature of what I've always felt was lacking. Her relationship with me has been very materialistic and I've long held the belief, and been angered by, the fact that she has no interest in who I am and never really did (and still doesn't) acknowledge or have any interst inme as an emotional being.
Reviews of this particular book do take the author to task for having a "blaming everything on your mother" approach for the first few sections. That said, the third section, which I've yet to complete, talks more about what it means to work through the pain, accept the emotional limitations of our mothers as things we can't change but have to learn to live with, while finding new methods of getting our emotional needs met to become healthy human beings. I'm fortunate that I've already started on that process, although of course I'm constantly cycling back between moving on from the pain and being in the thick of it. There are times when I am in the middle of the pain and I feel trapped in it — there are a few of my friends that I actually talk to about it, but I don't always turn to them when I'm in the middle of painful moments and I worry that I'm asking too much of them and try to trust and have faith that they'll just tell me if that really is the case.
The book has also made me realize how broken my own mother is, but it is also reminding me that she is the only one who can do anything about her own issues. Since she has shown that she isn't interested in processing or working through it despite the fact that every single relationship she has with her family (me, my older brother, my father) is strained and feeling ill effects from her poor coping mechanisms and destructive methods of working through conflict, I gotta take that for what it is and save myself first, and not feel guilty for that, and start my life, gdi. My brother moved off the continent to deal with his own issues (some of which I would say definitely have some connection to the issues with our mother) but he's in a much better position with regards to it not affecting his work.
I find myself scared a lot about the effect of my depression on my professional life and work reputation. My work involves social media so my social circle is very active in using Facebook, Twitter, etc. Some people I know use the tools to talk about their mental health and mood struggles. I'm petrified in social situations that people are judging me as a loser, etc. because I haven't finished my degree, and that this is costing my job opportunities and that I'm acquiring a reputation as unreliable as a result. I've mostly withdrawn from it using my thesis as an excuse but it is something I know is on the horizon for me to face. The community of people working on the topics I specialize in in my city is very small. I'm trying to say to tell myself that I'll never be able to control what people think about me and trying to is fruitless; all I can do is tell my truth and people will act however they choose to. I can't fault people for deciding that they don't want to put their fate in the hands of someone who seems like they can't perform. I just feel like it seems to play into problems I've had for a really long time around being a perfectionist and focusing on my weaknesses instead of trying to play off my strengths. I'm terrified of having to move away to find work because I really love the life I have in the city I've grown up in. (In the end, I know this is all fear of change and that I'm hanging on to things because they are comfortable, and I know that overcoming my mental health challenges will almost undoubtedly mean making significant changes to my overall life, not just things inside my head. But, fear, still.)
Phewf, that's quite the wall of text. If nothing else, this will help remind me what I'm working on.
If you've made it all the way down here, thanks for listening, so to speak. I hope to be able to share some support and comfort with others facing down similar demons.
