This is very hard

[MarkS]

This is about my 6th attempt at this introduction over the past couple of weeks. It's very hard. I hate talking about myself and find it very difficult to put into words my depression or how I feel.

I'm 55, and have been under the yoke of major depression all my life. When I say "all my life" I mean pretty much that. I can vividly recall being 5 or 6 and deeply hating myself and wishing I had never been born and could die. And, that's pretty much been my daily life ever since. I honestly cannot recall a time in my life when I wasn't hating and beating myself up for being a loathsome, worthless piece of crap. Not a day has passed when I didn't want to die, either by my own hand or by some miraculously fatal event. I've never wanted to live. To say I've hated life is a gross understatement. I've wandered through my life, detached, lost and afraid.

About eight years ago, I was laid-off from my last soul-sucking job. ever since, I've been what I call "functionally unemployed". I scratch-out a very meager income freelancing, but my hear isn't in it. I've worked my entire life as a graphic designer and, after the last lay-off, I came to the realization that I never really liked doing the work. Frankly, I no longer see any up-side to being creative anymore. I can't tell you last time I simply sat and drew. I used to draw for hours at a time. Now, though...I just don't care. Art used to be the true love of my life. Now...I see it as almost as worthless as me. I just don't care anymore. I see no future for myself, so why should I care?

My history with therapy isn't stellar. It just never worked for me. It all seemed so silly. All the little "homework assignments" and whatnot. Utter bullshit. Meds were ok. The only med that seemed to do anything for me was an ultra-high dosage of Wellbutrin. But, even that only served to make the lows only a bit less low. But, once the generics hit the market, my insurance wouldn't pay for the brand anymore and I had some very bad experiences with the generics. So, I stopped taking meds. I internalized my depression even more, putting a bigger, tighter cork on the building pressure of anger, hate and frustration. Every once in awhile, something tiny would happen and I'd explode, releasing the pent-up fury. Then, the cork would go back on and the pressure would build again.

I've tried doing Paul's suggestion of Googling low-cost therapy for my town. It's pretty fruitless. It's a small, failing midwest town and there's very little here. Anythign that comes up in Googling is universally entries for sliding-scale payments. Unfortunately, you have to be seriously destitute to qualify, which we aren't. We have insurance (self-insured, and it's financially breaking us) but our insurer (Anthem) recently changed the way they pay for therapy. It used to be a simple co-pay. Now, it's a co-pay for the office visit, plus you pay out-of-pocket for the actual therapy session. They're treating the therapy as a separate service rendered, just like if you got an x-ray at your doctor. It's insane, since therapy is a weekly, ongoing thing, and takes therapy out of my ability to afford. It just isn't going to happen.

The past year or two have been extremely hard. I seem to be heading down a darker path now. I had serious back surgery two years ago and, as a result, can no longer do much in the way of exercise. I used to run semi-regularly and loved it. But, that's a big no-no now. Walking is ok, but not the same. Being alone at home throughout the day (I work from home) is definitely taking its toll. I scream at myself a lot, and I've taken to physically beating myself in the head with my fists hard enough to see stars and become dizzy. I ask out loud (to no one in particular) "Why can't I just die?" I manage to pull myself together before my family starts arriving back home. I don't think anyone knows what's going on in my life. Honestly, I'm not sure they want to know. My wife knows I'm depressed, but I don't think she knows just how deep it goes. The few times I've dared express even a sliver of how I feel about myself to her, she's told me "Please, don't." So, I've learned to keep it to myself. At night, in bed, I mouth a silent "I'm so sorry." in her direction, apologizing for being such a failed husband and father. Then, I roll over and silently pray that tonight will be the night I finally die in my sleep. Then, when I awake the next morning, I'm pissed that it didn't happen. And, so, I start another day in Loserville.

I'm sorry this has rambled on like this. I didn't mean to spill myself out like this. I don't know how much of a participant I'm going to be here. I'm not sure what I can bring to the discussion. But, I like Paul's podcast, so I thought I'd see what the community was like.

[Fredbo]

Welcome MarkS,
I have many similar feelings... And since I haven't found anything that helps I can offer no advice other than to say this is a good place to vent because at least most people on here know what things depression, anxiety, blah, blah, blah are like. I hope this place is a starting place for "getting better" like it is for me. I guess we'll see!

-Fredbo

[SubstancelessBlue]

I am only 18, but like you, I have been depressed even since I can remember, 5 or 6 as you said. My meds aren't helping and therapy seems like a joke to me, too. On Monday my counselor told me that since my depression is a chemical imbalance, I will deal with it my entire life. I kind of lost it after that, couldn't go to school, snorted my meds, fell down the stairs, i don't know all the knives were too dull and I don't like cutting--I don't want to feel the sting, I just want to die. But I was too disoriented after I snorted my meds to cut myself anyway, and I'm glad because I was afraid I was going to kill myself. I tried to tell someone but I'm so ashamed and I feel so selfish. I need to get a job, but I'm so terrified because of my social anxiety and I'm too terrified to sleep and my dreams are disturbing when I do finally fall asleep... I'm constantly scared and I'm just searching for some relief. Reading this is just what I see my life as turning out to be, only I can't imagine that anyone would want to marry me. My family regards me as the problem child, my little sister always asking me smugly if I took my pills today. I just don't want to be this person anymore. I have great friends but I feel like I'm that girl with depression and I can't do this anymore. Feeling like this, I don't know how you made it so long. I guess by becoming numb? maybe that's what I need to do, just buck up and do what I need to do. I'm hoping things will get better when I start college this year. I hope you find relief, though... let us know if anything helps because it could help me too, and others who I'm sure feel the same way.

[SmartCookie]

Both your stories, SubstancelessBlue and MarkS, break my heart to read. It's heart rending to think how early (and therefore seemingly instinctual) these thoughts take root and work themselves into the makeup of our lives. Mine was not depression but body image - I have a distinct memory of looking down at my thighs at 4 years old and telling myself, "I'm so fat. I should go on a diet," because my own mother had said the first part to me recently enough for the idea to become habit.

I relate to the job troubles too, MarkS, although I haven't been steadily employed in a single profession for an extended period of time. I also have not worked and am barely afloat.

I think the part that made me ache was reading about your wife. My best friend had someone in her life (someone I've known casually since early childhood, actually) say much the same to her, to the effect of, "can't you talk to one of your other friends about this?" when she tried to make mention of the challenges she'd faced. That rejection and lack of sheer ability to apply one's imagination for reasons of empathy and compassion... It's deeply disappointing. It's like, how can they NOT understand how that is the most painful thing to say ever and feel like OK human beings after kicking down a hurting being like that? Is that what they would do to a wounded animal? The only thing worse might be someone who tried to help and thought they had the answers who was actually leading you in the wrong direction. It's the sheer opposite of grace. I'd be so much more pissed off at such foolish people if anger didn't consume a ton of energy that I just want and need for myself, damnit!

I know it took me a long time to really glom onto the idea of therapy. It took a while but I realized that there are multiple schools of thought on the thing - some people benefit from and really yearn to understand the roots of the problematic behaviours and thoughts, and that involves questions about the past. But there are also methods that do away with dealing with the causes and simply focus on training one's self to counter negative thinking with other behaviours. A book I read, Positive Psychology for Overcoming Depression is much like the latter.

I do think a lot of our thinking that it's stupid is actually us holding on to the idea from society that thinking about ourselves is selfish or silly, or can come from a longstanding pattern of just not questioning what I've been taught or the orthodoxy among my family or friends to "get along". I try to remind myself that society has a vested interest in me not taking an interest in how I work or working towards better functioning - it's harder to sell me on things that way. And then I tell it to go fuck itself and do my homework, the same way I push myself to go to the gym or doctor for physical checkups.

I can't afford therapy now anymore either, but I was the bub who went and didn't do what I was supposed to, so the above consists of what I've done to help myself as much as I can in the absence of formal counselling. I really feel for you and hope some wins are in the cards for you.

SC

[Cheldoll]

Hey Mark,

My boyfriend is from Indiana like you so I love Hoosiers Here's a big hug for you.
I can commiserate with you regarding talking about myself -- I put off writing my own introduction for weeks.

I'm sorry to hear about your difficulties with therapy and meds. It's a nightmare to get treatment in this country. I wish I could give you some advice, but I'm struggling in that area too. The situation with your wife breaks my heart. You definitely need an outlet for your feelings -- maybe this forum can help you with that?

You don't need to apologize for rambling on. Your introduction was fascinating and I can relate in many ways.

Oh, and I'd love to see some of your art if you're willing to share with us.

[Jenny Jump]

Where are you from in Indiana? I could probably find you some resources.

Fellow Hoosiers Unite!

[MarkS]

Thank you, all, for the kind replies.
I feel I need to speak-up for my wife, though. You see, she's the one everyone in the family leans on and depends on. She's everyone's rock, and this, as you can imagine, is pretty stressful for her. I try to be her rock, of course, but I'm not always able to hold it together well enough. I suppose it's pretty hard for her to see me breaking down, and her response was more exhaustion and fear than any sort of expression of not caring.

Jenny Jump...Right now, I'm living in Muncie.

[Jenny Jump]

Have you tried to see if there's a student counseling program at Ball State University? You could get your sessions for free while you help a student earn his/her hours towards getting their license. Is there a Centerstone in your area? That's the mega-center for all t hings mental health in Bloomington, and I know they have branches elsewhere throughout the state. Gimme some time, and I'll find you a connection, okay?

Don't give up.